Should I tell DP about possible intimate pictures of me online?

[ReadersWife]

I'm divorced and on splitting up with my exH I found out an awful lot of unpleasant things about him. One of them was his addiction to porn. One time in particular I remember finding his laptop open with a Readers Wives amateur porn site that he'd been looking at (he had fallen asleep and left his laptop open so I could see the screen). After we broke up we had some pretty frank conversations, largely because he didn't need to be nice to me anymore so didn't give a shit about hurting me. He told me that when I was asleep he would take photos of me naked. Intimate photos. I have a very strong instinct that he uploaded photos of me to the website he was looking at.

I've been with DP for just over 4 years. We're good together and happy, but recently I've been opening up to him about some of the shit I went through with exH. He's been great about it. I haven't told him about the photos or the website but it's really preying on my mind now. It's always been there but with opening up to him it's like the box has been opened. And I don't know whether to tell him my suspicions or not. I don't want him to judge me (I don't think he will) but I'm also really scared that if I tell him I will have to accept that there may be intimate photos of me out there.
I don't know what to do. These thoughts aren't going away.

I wouldnt worry. You dont know if he has. You've got a new life now dont let his disgusting behaviour cause issues.

I doubt any photos are anywhere prominent. If there are any, someone would have to trawl through thousands of pages to find them, and it's unlikely someone who happened across them would happen to know you. Your DP presumably isn't going to happen across them. So I wouldn't worry about it.

You could tell him as part of the process you're going through with telling him about your ex and what happened if you like. If he judged you that'd be unjust as it's not your fault.

But it is possible to overwhelm a partner. Maybe seek counselling to go over your experiences more, if you feel the need?

Your ex may have been saying that to upset you, it may be a bluff, unless you have the solid evidence there are naked pictures of you on the internet I would let sleeping dogs lie. If you happen to find those pictures.... oh well... that's called "revenge porn" which is a serious crime, so go to the police because you're ex is in deep trouble.

I guess even if there were photos they wouldn't be identifiable. I feel so vulnerable, thank you for your replies. Maybe it's not so much about telling DP as about getting closure for myself.

I think the PP advice is good, chat it through with a therapist first just to get the worry off your chest and then see how you feel about sharing it with DP, even if such photos exist and you are recognisable, the chances of someone who knows you stumbling upon them are very slim, and even if they did you would be asleep in them! So clearly the victim here and completely not at fault. It’s really none of your DPS business and is not something you have to “confess” to him. I think talking your feelings through with a professional is a sensible first step, then see how you feel.

I have the same fear OP and sometimes it keeps me up at night. What is a comforting thought is that these days women who fall victim to revenge porn aren’t judged as much as they were in the past. The focus is now more on the perpetrators and less on slut shaming. Also as others have said it’s a crime now & finally, it’s taken seriously by the police and the media. Also as @OldFan rightfully pointed out, there are unfortunately soooo many photos of naked women all over the internet that you would have to search for a needle in a haystack. IF they are alone and someone confronts you with it you can tell them they’re disgusting for looking for photos of victims of revenge porn, looking at intimate pictures that were taken without consent. That makes them the awful person, trusting someone like you didn’t doesn’t. Sending you a hug xxx

It sounds like your DP is supportive of you, I think if you feel you want to tell him you should. Trouble shared & all that. If some bloke thinks worse if you for it, his opinion isn't one you should care about! You were the victim here.

I know it’s unnerving, but stop letting your ex have a hold over you. If he did it, then he’s a criminal. It’s nothing to do with you or your worth. You maybe a victim of his crime but you’re not a victim, you had no say in it all, and don’t let yourself feel bad. Nobody ever could think you’re to blame. Shut that book, get on with your life, that’s the best revenge you can ever have - being happy.

I think you'd be better discussing all this with a therapist or counsellor, at least in the first instance.

It's a lot to unload on your partner, who isn't qualified for this and may not have helpful responses, however well intentioned.