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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mental and physical load

14 replies

BlueMumma2018 · 13/12/2022 21:04

Does anyone carry the entire weight of their family and all of their lives?

I am the do’er of everything in our household. We could be broke and no bills paid for months and my husband wouldn’t notice. Basic things like asking him to drop off a card to his mums house (when he is going there) is totally impossible, he’d just leave it in the car. I have to set reminders to remind him about things, it’s draining the life out of me. I even put everything in my name because he is bound to forget paying something or receiving an email. We’ve got arrears before and I, of course, have to worm us out of it and clean it up. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately (miscarriage) and I can’t take the extra strain. I think the fact I am entirely responsible for Christmas for our children and everyone else is making me notice it more.
has anyone had a very forgetful and in turn unreliable partner? What did you do to make them start being more accountable? 🤯😅

OP posts:
TheCurseOfBoris · 13/12/2022 21:11

Sorry OP but this is who they are, you can't change them. You'll waste years of your life hoping for something better. Get your ducks in a row otherwise he'll drag you under, to a place you can't get out of easily. You'll start to not recognize yourself. You and your kids deserve better.
Alternative, stop doing it all and see what happens. Let the shit show begin.

Fidgety31 · 13/12/2022 21:49

You can’t change how he is . He may show slight improvement for a while after an argument but he will always default back to his factory settings

Did you get married quickly before finding out what he was really like?

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/12/2022 21:52

Does he manage to keep his shit together at work? If not, has he considered looking into ADHD?

Although a diagnosis will only be helpful if he gives enough of a shit about you to actually seek support and learn coping strategies.

ShirleyValentin3 · 13/12/2022 21:56

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/12/2022 21:52

Does he manage to keep his shit together at work? If not, has he considered looking into ADHD?

Although a diagnosis will only be helpful if he gives enough of a shit about you to actually seek support and learn coping strategies.

I came to say this.

I could've written this entire post. My DH has (finally!!) been diagnosed with ADHD. The weight it lifted off all of our shoulders was incredible.

Has it changed anything practically? No.

You're right, it's totally exhausting. I feel for you 💐

EarthSight · 13/12/2022 22:12

What was he like before he met you? Does he ever express distress at forgetting these things or losing items? He's kind of extreme in that way to the point where you're setting reminders for him. It must be a real weight on your shoulders, and big burden.

You have your own things to remember, nevermind his. This why it's pet peeve of mine when people say in a workplace 'remind me' - they want to share the burden and responsibility of delivering with you....and if it isn't, it will be as much your fault because after all, you 'didn't remind them'.

I would wonder if he has a serious memory issues or ADHD.

BlueMumma2018 · 14/12/2022 09:10

Hey all thanks for posting. The person I am I can’t justify divorce over this 😖
I’m pleased that some people have asked about adhd. I have said this to him a lot over the years. He holds down a job and puts all of his concentration into this but it is a physical job, all the mental load of it falls on his manager. He has agreed to see the GP to seek diagnosis but guess what, he forgets!! I draw the line on calling the doctor for him.

@ShirleyValentin3 how did it lift a weight off you?

Yes he was like this when we met (at 22) I suppose we had little responsibilities then and at times I thought it was typical of his age. But now we’re in our thirties I see how hard he finds things.. doesn’t help that his parents just say. Ahh he was just a child that had a lot of energy to burn off, no way adhd 😩

OP posts:
whattodo1975 · 14/12/2022 09:13

ShirleyValentin3 · 13/12/2022 21:56

I came to say this.

I could've written this entire post. My DH has (finally!!) been diagnosed with ADHD. The weight it lifted off all of our shoulders was incredible.

Has it changed anything practically? No.

You're right, it's totally exhausting. I feel for you 💐

How was the weight lifted ? Did you no longer have to do all the stuff you doing after he got diagnosed ? Did he start to do more after he was diagnosed ?

frozendaisy · 14/12/2022 09:25

I just didn't do stuff that was totally his responsibility, Christmas cards and presents to his family were his problem. If his family was disappointed, not my problem.

Once you start handing over bits and bobs they realise that there is other stuff you won't do and start stepping up.

But I did this early.

Just stop doing stuff that benefits only him.

BlueMumma2018 · 14/12/2022 09:36

@frozendaisy do you have kids?

i have done this but things, so, his relationship with his family is distant. Things like managing finances between us etc is a nightmare. Do you have separate finances? Thanks for reply

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 15/12/2022 20:42

We do have kids.
But we thrashed out our separate responsibilities before they were born.
He does earn much more money and I do much more domestic stuff but he doesn't shirk being a dad.
He pays all bills, mortgage, does investments and pensions.

I do insurance quotes, food household, most cooking, most school stuff, clothes, school uniform, general medical appointments.

He takes them to football (playing not spectating), explains homework, haircuts, some school runs, does the father-son chats, builds stuff, parents evening, helps with homework, loves and listens to their stories, gets involved in present buying, days out arrangements, holidays, has taken one to a&e if one needed to stay with other, read many bedtime stories, makes sure they never take their mum for granted, mends bikes, footballs. Asks about their school days, guides them, is a great male roll model, teaches them by example on how to behave driving, with service in shops, with medical staff.

Not so much now but when smaller bounced, ran, danced, swam, carried, brought car fulls of sticks home, carried precious pebbles, built sandcastles. Still does most barber trips. Teaches them how to tell jokes. Introduces them to new literature, discusses current affairs. Oddly he decorates the Christmas tree. Has been known to teach them the odd recipe baking is a step too far.

He puts them first and foremost is almost everything he does. So I really don't mind washing his socks and making his dinner.

frozendaisy · 15/12/2022 20:47

I would try telling him, nicely, that your children deserve the best dad he can be.

That includes showing love and appreciation towards their mum for everything she does for the family. How you act teaches the children some part of how to behave towards others.

frozendaisy · 15/12/2022 20:49

And also point out the he isn't special, normal everyday life is hard and boring sometimes for most. Working together to your individual strengths allows the most fun and leisure time for all.

Tell him he can sleep when he's dead!

ShirleyValentin3 · 15/12/2022 23:16

So the weight lifted because we both thought he was just a bit of a lazy pain in the arse tbh! He has spent years on and off suffering depression and not really understanding himself. It was exhausting for us all.

The diagnosis enabled him/us to research ADHD and understand the reasons why he can't finish a book, loses his keys, he forgets about the loads of wet washing in the machine, etc.

I guess for his whole life he felt like he didn't quite get things right, but never knew why. It was like a light coming on into his life.

For me, I sometimes felt like he wasn't interested in me. I must be boring, or nag a lot. He struggles to maintain conversations sometimes and it undoubtedly had an effect on our relationship and my confidence.

But knowing about the diagnosis, allowed me to support him better. I'm more considerate when I ask him to help me out - EG, he cannot multitask, so cooking is out of the question - instead he supports me to cook by preparing the vegetables or emptying the dishwasher. That kind of thing. I know he's never going to take the initiative and think suddenly 'oh, I'll put a load of washing in!', but that's not who he is or how his brain works.

Initially it was difficult, because it occurred to me that my life wasn't ever going to change if we were to stay married. I was always going to have to spin all of the plates on my own forever. But things are certainly easier now.

We/I make adjustments and I have different expectations. He doesn't feel like he's getting things wrong/letting us all down constantly and it's improved our relationship - largely due to better communication and understanding.

Naunet · 16/12/2022 09:51

What does he add to your life OP? How does he make things easier, how does he enhance things for you? I would assume financially, but is there anything else?

You need to stop thinking about cards for his mum etc, leave that to him. If she was that fussed about getting a card from him, she would have raised her son to consider other people. Not your problem to solve, and you’re just adding to your own workload.

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