How do I move on from his affair and our divorce?

[Energetictriangle123]

Some of you may remember previous posts where I questioned whether I should save our marriage after my husband's 10-month affair (long story that got even more complex!). Well... the divorce application is in.

I absolutely know I've made the right decision but am faced with immense frustration and bitterness around how he can just move on (i.e., friends/ family standing by him, lovely house etc) despite his complete lack of remorse. I'm just feel so down, hopeless and lonely, and I don't want to be a bitter victim in all this.

This post is providing me a space to vent but, also, how do you move past this and move on with life? It just doesn't feel like this will ever go away!

The truth is hard: that moving on is going to be a long and difficult road.

Today, try to feel good about doing the brave thing - taking action to move on. Your job now is to follow through on that bravery by letting go emotionally. What he does now, and how his family respond, is something you have to try and disconnect from.

You’ll get there OP

Allow yourself your feelings OP.

its early days. It’s a tough tough thing to come to terms with.

therapy, good supportive friends.

focusing on doing positive things FOR YOU. Even small things.

and do some stuff he’d hate. Because you can now.

Some research has shown that people who have affairs are very often bringing less to the marriage in any case. Perhaps you'll find that to be the case.

I feel the same. And I feel I'll never trust another soul again. There were other affairs early on and we stayed together. I never fully got over those. And then again recently so we are now completely over but he's off having the time of his life after moving straight in with the latest while I'm left to pick up the pieces, prepare the house for sale, etc... Can't see an end of the destruction of our lives and family for me.

Sorry you're going through this too OP.

A friend of mine is in this position. He is living not with his affair partner but another woman. He has re-established without a flicker, is professionally more successful than ever, hasn't lost one friend.

But... what reflection or personal growth has he put in? What will stop him making this cyclical, and vanishing whenever the going gets hard? To the people who used to care about him, it feels like the sheer getting away with itness has made him harder, less feeling and selfish.

My friend is on her own and not rushing things, but giving herself strong emotional foundations and the time to understand what a fulfilled and happy life means to her. I think it's admirable.

Oh and after years of joint decisions, she is pleasing herself. Travel, study she always wanted to do, eating nothing but Korean food for a month...

You do what you need to to feel glad and enjoy the freedom. Some things have to be on hold during separation including long term financial planning. It's important to be kind to yourself now.

Not much more to say other than I get that feeling of frustration. I find it helps to just remind myself what a tw*t he could be (still is) but sending you all best wishes

That sounds so difficult and must feel so unfair. For what it’s worth though, the men I’ve always known who’ve divorced after affairs all seemed to move on quickly, however years later they were raked with guilt and wanted their old lives back.

Look after yourself OP

Really sorry to hear you’re struggling 💐

The fact you’re able to articulate how you feel (lonely, helpless, sad) is a really good start. Have you considered a therapist? This will help you go back and work on yourself internally.

That loneliness feeling is akin to grief. The one person that you put your trust in is gone, and then so are their family and some mutual friends and you’re left on your own. But you do have to fill those gaps with good friendships and hobbies.

There’s a few of us on this thread in very similar circumstances. You may find some comfort over there.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4648535-anyone-finding-their-feet-after-marriage-ended?page=2&reply=122213134

Time and therapy will both help. Eventually you will feel nothing for him and sorry for the woman he is with.

Thank you so much for your kindness and understanding. I'm so sorry that you, or the people you know, are going through a similar experience.

You're absolutely right in terms of it being a long road and still being in the early days, but it's so reassuring to hear that there's light at the end of the tunnel and new found freedom. I'm hoping that it'll bite him in the bum one day - as long as he doesn't hurt other women along the way (he ghosted the OW long before I found it - She is absolutely lovely, but has been deeply affected by his actions).