Need to get over heartbreak from emotionally unavailable man, fast

[Motheroftwofeline]

As the title suggests. I’ve been in a relationship with someone for a year and without going into all the detail, they are not emotionally available as I don’t believe they’ve truly left their prior relationship. He is exceptionally hot and cold towards me and it is an emotional rollercoaster. I can’t live life this way but the pain is absolutely destroying me to the point I can’t get out of bed.

I have ADHD, unmedicated, so I am also aware of my tendencies to obsess, feel rejection super deeply, and have low (no) self esteem.

Please, can someone help with coping strategies?

OP, I don't have any strategies but I would say if you can't get out of bed it's time to call your GP because you need more significant help.

@Triffid1 thanks for replying. I guess I just don’t know where to start with the GP. They are not relationship counsellors, I wouldn’t know what to say? I haven’t really moved from bed or eaten properly in 5 days. Just feel so unbearably sad and useless

I don't think a GP is going to offer you counselling. What you need is medication.

my father would say, "just get out of bed and go for a shower" and see where you get to from there. And that might be good advice too. Baby steps I guess?

But if you are literally unable to move or eat, you should be seeking medical attention.

Do you have a Kindle account? Get Responsibility Rebellion by Kain Ramsay.

www.amazon.co.uk/Responsibility-Rebellion-Unconventional-Approach-Empowerment/dp/154450912X

I will try and get up and have a shower. I’ve managed to do that a couple of times but it hasn’t kick started my day like I’ve wanted it to.

just got this incredible heartache I can’t shift

have also sent emotional outbursts to the (presume) ex which he’s ignored, so of course now filled with even more self loathing

I don’t have a kindle unfortunately and can’t really afford the book but I can see there is an audiobook, so I’ll look into it, thanks for the recommendation

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/

You'll be fine. The main character in your life isn't him.

Take control of this, he isn't offering you what you need, instead of being mad at him, just end it for your own closure and do not expect an answer from him.
There isn't anything you can do to change him but you can change how you deal with it.

Thanks for the good advice. Would just love this feeling of complete misery and rejection and being entirely influenced by how hot or cold he is towards me to be gone

That podcast series looks good, will check that out.

Definitely check out baggage reclaim

the powerful thing is realising it’s not him
its the types you are drawn too

and I’d imagine 1.5 years of this has worn you down

you are NOT alone in this
but agree to get up
have a shower
and then have a look at the website

they are very firm on no contact

if it’s really over and it’s causing you this much pain
You are meant to be very brave and delete in totality xx

So, are you still technically with this bloke @Motheroftwofeline or....? Obviously you need to officially split with him if you haven't already, as he's not good for you. Block him on anything, you'll feel better for asserting to yourself that how he's treated you isn't ok, and no longer accepting it in your life.

I haven’t really moved from bed or eaten properly in 5 days. Just feel so unbearably sad and useless

I will try and get up and have a shower. I’ve managed to do that a couple of times but it hasn’t kick started my day like I’ve wanted it to.
just got this incredible heartache I can’t shift

How were you before the last five days, and how long for?

If you get things like this going on for over a fortnight (or it's extremely intense) that can be clinical depression.

All you need to tell your GP is the bits I've quoted above. They will go through a screening questionnaire asking how your sleep has been for instance, and all the things you've said above. They may recommend medication for depression and/or counselling.

Did you not get on with ADHD medication? (I have bipolar and it sent me high as a kite.)

I think they'll mainly look into treatment for your mood right now, but you could work towards getting treatment for your ADHD in general if you like.

@OldFan im really not sure. It’s such a dysfunctional relationship. Very limited contact over last week.

I have work to do today that I’ve been putting off all week so trying distraction.

I know I should send that ending it message (we are long distance and I’m not driving at the moment so won’t be seeing eachother until next week at the earliest) but I just can’t deal with the drama that will kick off. I just want to get on with my run up to Xmas with so much to do and not have my every waking thought be about him.

Just to say you don’t need a kindle to read kindle books - you can read them on your smartphone with the kindle app which is free to use. Since ebooks are often cheaper (although increasingly not always) this could be helpful.

Your OP asks for coping strategies. I suggest journalling - it's free or low cost - get a notebook and pen or open a private blog or diary onloine. Write down in great detail and fantasy exactly how you would like to be treated by a future partner (not this man). How you will interact with each other, how he makes you feel, how your chat flows etc. How you spend your days, from mundane quite days to stand out celebration days, what you laugh about, what you talk about deepy etc etc. The more you focus on a really healthy loving future relationship, the less desirable he will be in your mind. You will judge him against the kind of person you are on the look out for, and find him wanting.

The other (obvious) coping strategy is self compassion and self care. When you feel low the essential thing is to just do it, whether you want to or not. Have that bath or shower, wash your hair, mositurise, clean your teeth, launder your clothes, change your bed, do yoga and meditation and HIIT online, cook with fresh ingredients, watch reruns of your favourite comedies, tidy a little corner of your hoke so it looks inviting and cosy. Give yourself a lot of the love you need or seek from others. Even if you don't want to. Evemn if it feels false or has no effect on your mood. Just do it anyway. Long term, it really helps.

I think this could be one of those rare moments where ghosting him could be the best solution. Just disappear from his life. Block him on everything, he will get the message without explanation. Then go no contact - it's the quickest way to get over someone.
Next distraction, divert the hyperfocus on him you are doing. You won't be able to help him coming to mind, but I think it helps to think of the areas where he was a shit BF, all the stuff where he let you down. You are worth more than the crumbs he offered at his convenience.

Feelings don’t really work like that unfortunately! They just “are”.

Can you try to take the pressure off yourself? It’s often our response and our resistance to our feelings that causes the discomfort, not the feelings themselves. This might be where the exhaustion is coming from - the constant battle against what is. (Is it exhaustion keeping you in bed?)

It’s okay to feel miserable and rejected. These feelings might feel huge, but again that’s okay. Feelings don’t need to dictate your actions.

You asked for coping strategies. There’s a little video from Headspace that really illustrates how we can create perspective on our feelings which leads to more ease and space in the mind. It takes practice - it’s not an instant fix. A few minutes of mindfulness practice can help you develop that skill though. You don’t need an app - just set a timer for 5 minutes to begin with and focus on your breath or a calming word. Every time you notice your mind wandering, note it and come back to the breath/your word. Each time you bring your mind back to focus, that’s when you build that important observation skill and create some ease. It really works over time to make for a calmer internal experience.

Motheroftwofeline

i agree that a quiet ghosting is the way here
delete number , defriend and delete delete delete

it saves the distress of sending a message and waiting for an answer

and the feelings , better out than in I say

you are going to have to throw some energy at this
all the podcasts and reading are helpful and you are not alone

xx

I’ve downloaded Calm and going to get started.

ghosting entirely sadly not possible as we work together (not directly and in fact we kept it very private) but I still have to have several interactions with him a month. Which helps the situation be manipulative as even if he’s been a total self centred toss pot in our relationship he can legitimately ask something of me in a work sense (he’s marginally more senior) and there’s nothing I can do but respond. Maybe it’s even time for a new job because I’m not feeling fulfilled by that either.

I’ve done a little better today at just getting on with life but the sadness hasn’t abated. Have been cancelling plans with friends but I will get back out there as being alone really hasn’t helped me and I live alone