Was married to a controlling man, left him and it’s still bad 😞

[Tegax83]

I really don’t know where to start. I am mentally drained. I didn’t know I was in a coercive controlled relationship until family reached out to me and since I left him, I can see how wrong he was. We were together 18 years and married for 10 years. We have 3 children. We still are married.

I left him last April and went ahead with divorce proceedings but he’s controlling all of that too. He isn’t happy with what I’ve requested. He lives in the family home still as he wouldn’t leave so me and the children moved with nothing to my sister and nieces 2 bedroom house. We live there for three months until I found us a rented house. Me and the kids would be homeless if it wasn’t for universal credit as I was a stay at home mum. My husband met someone straight away and moved her and her kids into our home last Christmas which I had no say about because he can do that. This was all planned while I was in icu with covid. My kids and family wondering if I would survive as they were told to be prepared for the worst. I haven’t met or spoke to this woman as he won’t let me. I reached out to her on Facebook and she blocked me. She’s a disgrace of a woman and a mother to do this to me and the kids when it’s our home. I’m on the mortgage still. He kicked my kids out of their rooms and put her kids in them so when the kids stay they have to share with her kids. Also, he pays £100 a month for his kids when he lives in a £300,000 house, drives a Range Rover and wears designer clothes etc. He has his own business but classed as self employed so he’s lied to CMS and got his accountant to change his wage as he told them he earns £168 a week. He does cash jobs constantly and fiddling the books. He is so cocky and tells me he is doing everything by the book. He forgets I’ve seen what he’s done for years. I’m so unhappy with how he gets away with everything. He doesn’t care who he hurts.

Honestly, I can go on and on. There’s too much to tell but he does whatever he wants and gets away with it. I don’t believe in the law either. It’s a load of rubbish about the law taking coercive control seriously. I went to the police and they said it’s my word against his and it’s a tricky one.

I wish I could get what I want for once 😞

I wish I could get what I want for once 😞

What is it that you want?

Hi. How awful for you all. Surely if he 'earns' 160 pounds a week, questions can be added how you could have afforded a 300k house and him drive a Land Rover ? As for the other woman despite the fact that she knows he is still married,that is the only truth you can be certain of. He may have spun her a web of lies about you,making himself to be the victim. Don't give her any head space. I hope the courts look favourably on you. Take care.

How awful. Stay strong. How can this be right? Surely they can look into how he is managing to run a Range Rover. This is fraud! Can they look at his registered business?

Have you put in a variation of income form with CMS? Won’t help with the cash work but it will mean that dividends and assets can be considered.

If it’s a limited company then look it up at companies house and screenshot the accounts, send that with your form.

Why haven’t you started the divorce proceedings and put the house for sale?

Errr.....her house maybe? Or at least her share? Probably a job so she can try to be financially dependent would be good too.

Tell hmrc they could do a full investigation if they think his lifestyle doesn't match his declared income. 'Living without visible means of support'. It's how they tax prostitutes, according to their lifestyle.

Is there a way you can push the divorce on?

He will get his comeuppance, they do eventually. X

Make sure you have a very good solicitor

Get the divorce through and force him to sell the house.

There is more than one reason why he's stayed in it - yes, to annoy and inconvenience you; but also as with the lies he is telling about his pay, he won't be able to get a mortgage!

Once you have your part of the house (which should very likely be more than half) then you can get somewhere new for you and dc and move on.
Would that be what you want?

You need details of his business, bank accounts, pension etc. too
Make this your mission!

Hi @Tegax83 I really feel for you because I have been in a very similar position.

I was wondering about starting a support thread for people whose controlling exes are still controlling them.

It makes me feel very angry because people tend to fire up on leave the bastard, but the problems do not go away if the bastard in question is a total psycho.

Firstly looking at the positives- that is so great that your family staged an intervention to really help you out.

But massive sympathies to everything else.

The one thing that is also a positive is that he actually has someone else. Soon he will end up focusing on making her life a misery (which is a massive shame for her) but he'll lose interest in you.

For context my ex managed to stay living in our home for 7 years - despite 3 court orders against him.

I fought him non stop for 12 years through the courts and the upshot is he has 50/50 custody of the children and does everything he can to ruin my life on a daily basis.

The law is an absolute nightmare. He absolutely loved the whole process and thrived in every hearing. I basically lived off my parents and sister and spent well over £50,000 on our countless hearings.

He's had 3 non molestation orders to not come near me - yet still the judge massively praised him and granted him 50/50 custody of our children.

I am massively bitter about justice. I am trying to survive day to day and get on with my life, but he still derails me every single day.

I don't want to bring you down, but I would honestly say the money side of things is so minor and the fact that your ex is moving on with someone else is brilliant. That is my dream but I do not think it will happen for me.

On the bright side I actually met my soulmate and love of my life completely unexpectedly. That has been so wonderful which is why I want to be able to get on with the rest of my life now.

If you wanted to annoy your ex you could investigate forcing a sale of the house now. But probably your best bet is to fast forward the divorce through a lawyer and don't keep waiting for his useless promises. My regret is that I didn't do the children part of the divorce along with the finances. It would have been much more in my favour if I'd done that at the same time.

Good luck and keep posting for support

Have you got a shit hot lawyer?

A solicitor that has a reputation for good outcomes for people in your situation? Are they pushing ahead with divorce and taking him to court to fill in the forms etc?

Is your name on the deeds of the house? Have you set up an alert on the property register so you get an alert if someone tries to transfer names on the deeds?