Does anyone else sometimes feel trapped?

[Saz22]

Hi all, I know how this might sound but sometimes I really struggle being a Mom when things aren't going smoothly.

I separeted from DD'S (8yo) father earlier in the year after spending many unhappy years with him. I finally found the courage and posting on here helped too. I moved to a lovely new home with my DD and co-parent with her Dad. She sees him most evenings and a good chunk of the weekend. She enjoys this and on the ocassions where she's not up for seeing him I don't push it.

However, I've recently found myself getting closer to someone I've known through social activities and we see each other a few times a week whilst doing those activities and there's something building. It's been building for a while and I'm not trying to rush anything as I feel it will be better to take it slow. However, I really struggle badly if something gets in the way of the opportunity to see him and feel so terribly trapped, like if DD is poorly or doesn't want to go anywhere that evening (obviously she takes priority).

It's not really about this guy but more my freedom I think. I felt such relief when I left ex that I was so excited by the prospect of rebuilding my life again and getting out there and doing things having lived very repressed for so many years, but then something happens and I can't help feel really trapped, that my life will always be dictated by other responsibilities, whatever I want to do.

I don't have a major support network and feel very alone sometimes. Just feels like my life will always be conditional on other circumstances. Hope I'm making sense and don't just sound selfish, but sometimes I wonder if that's what it is.. just me being selfish and wanting a life of my own too. I love my DD and we home educate and so do lots of things in the day time together, groups, activities, social meetups. She won't often go and stay with anyone else like grandparents and has never had a night away from me although I've been trying to encourage it. I'm torn about her staying at her Dad's if and when that arises as he doesn't look after himself too well health/food wise. When she's poorly, like she is currently, she doesn't want to see anyone else not even her Dad until she is fully better, she only wants me and of course I want to be looking after her, but it also feeds this terrible feeling of me being trapped and feeling hopeless. It may only happen once in a blue moon but hits me like a tonne of bricks.

Anyone else know what I'm talking about and can offer words of support? i'm struggling today but next week everything could be back to being hunky dory again.

Thanks if you made it this far.

Sending a hug. I’m sure others will soon be along with good ideas and advice.

Yes of course. Being a parent means you effectively give up your freedom and being first in your own life until they are grown up. Sometimes even after.
It can be very hard to accept and lots of people rail against it. It can be a lot harder outside of a relationship as to make a new one does require a certain level of freedom.
I don't have a solution because really it boils down to having to reach an acceptance of it. But hopefully it helps to know your feelings are normal.

Thank you <3

I suppose practically the only thing I could suggest is that you consider having set non negotiable times when DD is with her dad. As a co parent he should be equipped to look after her even if she is poorly. And while she might prefer to not go at times, you might want to consider how far you let her be in control of that. If you're confident her dad is looking after her, there is no harm in telling her she needs to go.

I feel I probably have been very soft with her, so conscious of not upsetting or hurting her feelings or putting her in a position that she doesn't want to be in. Fine to a degree but think I've neglected to draw a boundary too, and I feel so bad if she gets upset and also judged by family. Of course as her Mom I want to be there for her as well. I just wish I could rely on others in these situations too. It all gets on top sometimes.

You're confident in his care of her, that he is her equal loving parent? Then, upset she may be, but she has nothing really to be upset about, other than that her preferred option for the evening isn't available. They are so changeable at the age anyway, what starts of as an adamant 'don't want to' frequently ends up being a lovely time.
We mums almost always see ourselves as parent number 1, but as a co parent he is your equal and DD needs to see that too. So its not mum time now, its dad time.
As for the judgment, you'll get that anyway. Its all part and parcel of the unfair expectations on us just because we're women. Ignore it.

I struggle with his lack of cleanliness and lack of self control when it comes to eating junk. I try to keep DD's diet clean and healthy with the odd treat here and there, but on ocassions she comes back from his flat hyperactive as she's had so much junk when there and it's every day nearly. He's constantly buying new toys for her which don't get appreciated as she so used to just having new things all the time from him. I rarely treat her myself as I feel I'm just adding to the overload of sugar and material things if I do so try and wait for special ocassions. I do mention these things to him and he just politely smiles and nods and nothing changes. Hence feeling torn about her having stay overs with him and hence feeling like I'm alone in the parenting sometimes. Don't get me wrong, he would be there to have her in the drop of a hat, it's just the quality of that time I worry about.

I think you need to pick your battles. Unless he lives like a pig in a stye then a lower standard of cleanliness won't hurt. The same with the toys, if he wants to spoil her that way, there's not much you can do. The food is the battle I'd pick as it's you who has to deal with the aftermath so I think I'd drop the things that matter less and be really clear about what she should eat. Even if it doesn't work, in the context of an otherwise clean diet, one overnight a week, say, to give you some free time, isn't going to do any real damage.

I understand your feeling completely. I don't think that it is normal to accept having no life until your children are adults. This just another stick to hit women and mothers with in my view. My exH and I had no family support during DD's childhood. I effectively lost an entire decade, living somewhere very isolated with no support, not even from DH (hence ex). DD was my priority but when she was 10 a chink opened and the chance to have my career and life back appeared. I decided it was time everyone else stepped up. I felt the two of them had become dependent on me even for their internal lives. My DD always wanted me to do everything, but I felt she was becoming very entitled and spoiled. So what if she doesn't like to see her dad (my DD hated spending time with him). He's her dad and she has to. I separated from my ex gradually, spending more and more time away. All hell broke loose, especially during Covid. But I stood firm. Cut a long story short, my DD now has two functioning homes, I am not responsible for everything, have the luxury of not carrying all the mental load. Of course I have had to overlook shortcomings in my ex, but to be honest, he has bucked up his ideas. Their relationship is their business -- whether it's good or bad it doesn't remove his responsibility. The key to freedom, for me, is giving up total control, and the need to be your child's favourite. I would like a new relationship (none of this has been about another man) but I realise that all my years of enslavement to other people's needs has left me not knowing who I am, and this is my task now. Good luck OP. My main point from this is that feeling trapped is real. You only have one life. No prizes for martyrdom. You can live up to responsibilities without giving up your existence. You have nothing real to offer your child in the long run if you are unhappy. Being a good mother does not have to mean being a cleaner, cook and punchbag.

You have to let go of how your ex parents - as long as she's safe and loved, it's up to him when she's with him. Don't try to push your standards/preferences on him, it'll just lead to frustration and conflict.

Perhaps stop homeschooling? It must be quite draining.

I'd have set days/nights that she goes to her dad, so you all have a bit more routine and therefore ability to make plans.

Hasn’t he asked for overnights? That’s a massive part of having a recent parent/child relationship. And him seeing her most nights (at yours?) means you’re constantly interrupted but don’t get a break.

You’d all benefit from a proper routine, start having her stay overnight there, unclench about food and toys - he is her equal parent whether or not that’s easy to accept. You don’t agree with all his parenting decisions, he probably doesn’t agree with all of yours.

Homeschooling presumably means you’re not working and inevitably you and DD spend all your time together. That’s going to feel restrictive and isolating at times. Your new relationship isn’t the only outlet for you time. Try not to pin too much on that. But if you had some free evenings when DD is with her dad you’ll be more able to pursue it.

Thank you for this. Makes perfect sense and gave me hope. I need to know that I can have a life and that that's okay because the thought of not is hard to bear. Thanks for putting it so clearly!

Thank you for this. Yes I've definitely had to let go of a lot of things, icluding how he parents too.. just certain things I can't let slip like the food issue which I've now addressed. DD goes to her Dad's most evenings for a few hours and then most of Saturday or Sunday, so I do get time to myself. Think I just feel like the rug is pulled from under me sometimes and that freedom I do have can be taken away at any point. I struggle with that.

He asked for overnights initially but hasn't mentioned for quite a while. I keep bringing it up with him, he says he wants it but is not doing anything about it. He just keeps saying, when she's ready. At the moment, she'll ever be ready as the idea has turned sour for her. Nothing untoward, she just likes familiarity so wo't do many things willingly.

No, the visits happen at his flat, not my house. My space, I want to keep it that way although have to make exceptions sometimes depending on circumstances.

I do work from home mostly in the evenings but lucky enough to be able jig things round if needed.

Thank you, good sound advice. Appreciate it

Think I just feel like the rug is pulled from under me sometimes and that freedom I do have can be taken away at any point. I struggle with that.

That's kind of why you need to have a more formal arrangement, so you know that unless there's an emergency/agreed change, you have that time.

Surely he should be having her on overnights, perhaps EOW and so on, at this point? A few hours here & there and no routine must be pretty unsettling.

I have felt like this for years, and unfortunately don't have as much freedom as you. I understand the fear, hopelessness and dispair the feeling of being trapped brings. Like feeling owned, tethered and unble to develop and grow.

It suits society to get mothers to devote themselves way beyond what nature intended. With no village, we can get permanently stuck here fairly easily.

We have to make things happen, grieve for what is lost and go about the hard task of rebuilding ourselves.

I have found reading about motherhood helps. I'm OK, You're a Brat by Susan Jeffers is excellent. It has a section on how to rebuild your life and yourself.

I'm a solo mother by choice and had my son using a sperm donor. I'm 100% responsible for everything and your course it is tough!

But, my way of creating balance in life is making sure I have a lot of adult time (friends, family, and now dating).

No, it's not "dating" quite as I remember it, but I squeeze dates in my lunch breaks and annual leave as I have no childcare on the weekends or evenings. My next aim is to find a good, local reliable babysitter. Even just a few hours on the weekend to have time for others without the child in tow, and to do things that I want is important.

I have met so many women who feel dissatisfied with "motherhood" but you need to decide how you want it to be! My boy is loved and cared for, and I parent better when we're not attached to each other 24/7 so he attends nursery full time and gets to socialise with other children and adults, building rapport and secure attachments with them.

I want a rich, fulfilling life which includes other people and time for my own interests. There's nothing wrong for wanting these things I feel, but you need boundaries and create a space for yourself too.

Oh how nice. 🙂

Sorry I didn't respond sooner but thank you very much for the hug <3