What is this ?

[anu22]

For background have been with DH 20 years and married 13. Have a good life with lots of privilege but also have sometimes stressful jobs.

In the last few months he's often been upset with me saying he doesn't like the tone I speak to him in / that I'm snappy and rude etc. I genuinely haven't really seen this in myself but also have enough emotional insight to think maybe I'm unconsciously doing this and will try and fix it etc.
I also have times when I think he's hard on the kids and nags at them etc but he doesn't take feedback well at all: so often bite my tongue:

There's been times that he's been mad at me that I genuinely have no idea what I have done until he tells me I said this that and the other in some kind of tone:

Over the last year I've had to travel for work a few times and I very time I come back we have an argument- which is always apparently my fault because I come back tired and snappy. I genuinely again don't see this in myself but feel like I have to believe it and can only try and rectify or be aware.

Recently went away for 2 weeks which is the longest I've done - he was being off with me and eventually I cracked and asked what I could have possibly done in the 36 hours if been home - he said it was cos I had come home and ranted about the mess and washing and hadn't told him well done for coping without me tor 2 weeks!! Kind of funny but also wtf ?!

More background is that I work for him and only have to travel as I do this job so it's not like I'm on a jolly
Further background is when the kids were small he was away 2 weeks every month and I managed just fine and never got told well done. The kids are 10 and 13 so not that much work anyway

So anyway since this recent trip I've been very conscious of our interactions so I can try and see what it is I might be saying and doing and honestly starting to think hes just being really mean and picking at stuff

Today a couple of comments have felt like I literally can't say anything without him using it like a weapon - even what I would consider normal married info sharing he calls me on the tone I'm using and yet he replies to me in such a weird way sometimes and I can't even understand what's going on right now. I'm asking myself all the time if I really said something in the way it was taken. I feel like I'm being gaslighted but maybe I am being like this

I feel like he doesn't even like me anymore and every interaction is loaded and I'm walking on eggshells cos he blows up at stuff I don't even realize I've done or said wrong.

I really have no idea how to fix it.

Have you said "look your every interaction with me recently has got me walking on eggshells about your reaction to anything randomly I say or do and I am just not prepared to live like this. So shall we talk about this or not. Just be aware that from now on I will just be me. If that pisses you off that's your problem I don't want to hear these unreasonable reactions anymore. But if I do firstly I will honestly just totally dismiss them. If you don't actually see them believe I am rolling my eyes in my head. It's boring now"

Blooming heck, how tiring,disappointing a d mind messing for you. It's a shame there isn't an outsider who could shed light on this to see which one of you is behaving in an unreasonable manner. Does he resent you going away? As for wanting a 'well done you', sadly I think even the best of men might tbink it is their due in these circumstances. 😫

Further background is when the kids were small he was away 2 weeks every month and I managed just fine and never got told well done.

But how would you have felt if every time he came home he criticised the state of the house or told you off for not having done certain things? Did you actually rant about the mess and washing when you got home after your trip?

It's hard to know what is really going on. It sounds like he has tried to talk to you before about the way you speak to him, but then you continued on (because you either aren't aware of it or you don't agree there is anything wrong with how you speak to him?) and now he's just really hyperaware of everything and blowing some things out of proportion out of frustration.

It is a bit disrespectful to talk to your partner as if they are a member of staff needing disciplined or an emotional punching bag to take your bad mood out on.

Look up Patricia Evans, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship." Maybe this kind of dynamic is going on? If you are able to reflect on your own behavior and apologize when need be, but he does not take criticism well you may have an unequal relationship in terms of communication. Another resource is Torna Pitman's model of controlling conversation, she does a presentation on you tube. if you can't find the links just ask. It can be really hard to see this kind of dynamic when you are in it.

If you're genuinely not walking back in and complaining about the state of the house or being critical or sharp with him, then I'd be thinking there's a reason he's creating conflict and a narrative of you being awful to him.

Which would usually be an affair.

Or he is unhappy in the relationship and is getting to the point of monstrifying you in order to break up.

What do you friends and family say about your recent mood/outlook?

he said it was cos I had come home and ranted about the mess and washing and hadn't told him well done for coping without me tor 2 weeks!!

Two things struck me from this.

Firstly, did you walk in and the first thing out of your mouth was criticism for the state of the house?

Secondly, if you did, did it warrant it?

Thirdly, if someone came home and said well done to me for coping without them, I'd feel hugely patronised. He's not a child. He should be able to keep a house for a fortnight without expecting praise for it!

I don't think anything would warrant "the state of the house!" as an opening gambit after being away for a fortnight.

Apart from this.

Could be a bit of gaslighting going on here. Could you record or take conversation notes and then compare with what he says? And, as an exercise, make sure you keep your arguing expression/tone totally neutral a few times and see does he still say you are snappy/rude. Why he is gaslighting is another problem though....

Sounds to me like he's unhappy or resentful about something, and it's colouring every interaction you have. Do you think you could have a conversation, without anger or blame, about how he's feeling in general? Can you explain how his behaviour is making you feel, without it turning into an argument?

My DH and I have had this kind of dynamic before, and it was due to both of us being generally unhappy/exhausted by life and some resentment/things left unsaid on my part. A few difficult but fair, respectful conversations really helped things.

Might not be what's happening for you, but those feelings of walking on eggshells and not understanding the other person's reactions and questioning whether you are being unkind or unreasonable - that all sounds so familiar.

It's a difficult one without actually hearing what, or how you're saying things. My exdh used to talk down to me, he'd be snappy and speak to me like shit sometimes. I'd call him out on it all the time and he genuinely didn't realise he was doing it. It was one of the reasons we split up.

Also, if I'd been. Looking after the dc for two weeks whilst he's been away, and he'd come home and moaned about the state of the house, I'd have likely shoved the Hoover up his arse. As for the well done, I'm with you on that one op.

That said, it also sounds like he could be picking fights with you as soon as you get home. Does he resent you going away? Walking on egg shells is no good for any relationship, you need to thrash this out with him, maybe suggest couples therapy?

Yep, I was going to suggest this.

I did it a while ago. Had a listen later, I was calm and didn’t raise my voice, just tried to talk. He was loosing his temper and being pretty nasty. I took it to him and asked him to listen, he did, couldn’t see there was a problem ffs!!

I didn’t rant about the mess or tell him off / I just got on with folding two weeks of washing and putting it away and tidying up - I’m sure this was seen as a criticism. I feel I’m not aware of speaking to him a certain way / certainly not that I’ve suddenly changed the way I speak to him so that’s why I feel really conscious about it all the time / of course I want to stop doing it if I’m unconsciously snapping at him but there are definitely times I wonder what the heck he’s on about when I’ve apparently done it.

Thanks for all the helpful comments. I’m genuinely trying to take on board his recent comments about my tone etc and that’s why I have been more conscious when it feels like he’s reacted to nothing at all. I did start taking some notes yesterday.
there is definitely something going on / hopefully it is what PP said that we’re both thinly spread and tired and not very happy I’m general and need to hash it out .

Have you read the other thread that's going which is basically this situation reversed? www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4697094-are-my-reactions-to-dh-normal?reply=122244783

I think it’s quite telling that he is being off with you for days about this bullshit. Most people would say something at the time along the lines of, you’re being quite rude.

It sounds like he’s keeping score. And marding around looking sad until you ask him what’s wrong and he sadly tells you you’ve been picking on him again..It sounds also like he’s lying about you ranting and it’s likely he is repeating these lies to others. He sounds really manipulative.

Something is definitely going on. He is playing the victim and is casting you in the role of bad guy. It is emotionally easier to shit on a villain, to lie or cheat on them. Be extremely concerned when someone views you as the enemy like this.

My advice is to do a quick sweep of your finances and to verify he is not planning to leave, hiding money or having an affair because this sounds like the start of the script.

Secondly stop indulging him. Stop asking him what’s wrong and patiently listening to his petty complaints because you are doing the communicating for him and you’re inviting these complaints. Do not listen to a whiny manipulative victim who is gaslighting you into thinking you are so nasty you talk to people like shit when you know it isn’t true.

Shut him down like you would a child. Tell him firmly, no, I didn’t rant, stop lying. Stop being manipulative. Stop gaslighting, I’m not discussing it. Don’t talk to him much so he can’t make things up.

Something obviously changed a few months ago. Ask him directly if he wants to separate.