those who have difficult inl's, do you still feel sad that you'll never get along

[bigboydiditandranaway]

maybe it's just pregnancy hormones, but have just had conversation with my mum about my cousins girlfriend. Basically my aunty thinks she great, cousins girlfriend has made my aunty a birthday cake, buys her things etc.

I just feel a bit sad that i will never have a nice relationship with my inl's as they are difficult and controlling. I am civil and polite to them but it has never been an easy relationship they are very overbearing.

I excepted the way they were some time ago but it still makes me feel sad occasionally that i don't like them and can only tolerate them. I know you have to look at the positives but dh & i haven't told them i'm pregnant yet and i'm already anticipating their stupid comments. Just feel a bit down about the situation.

I know it's horrible. I hate mine - i know that's a strong word but I have had a particularly bad week with them. And it's all of them mum dad and sister.. It is sad but i have given up st least i don't be round them a lot due to the fact i think the feeling is mutal (SP?)

I think it's very difficult comparing.
I know my MIL has a much better relationship with my SIL than she does with me. Even though my MIL is not, and hasn't been for the 24 years I've known her, 'my sort of person', it still sometimes stings that she and SIL have a much closer relationship. Sometimes I think that as SIL came onto the scene 10 years ago, MIL had learnt some lessons from me so it was easier for them to establish a close relationship/friendship. I may be flattering myself there...
However, I don't underestimate that she thinks the world of her son and her grandchildren, therefore I do continue to make the effort.

Thanks for your messages, i know it's not personal as they would be the same with anyone who married their precious oldest son

Dh also tolerates them and thinks they can be a real PITA, he is more assertive with them now than he was when we first started going out together. i think that's why pil dislike me so much, their two sons always used to go along with them for an easy life, BIL is now married and they suffer the same as sil & bil want to do things their own way. They also don't like the fact that their dil's are so close to their own mum's & dad's and their sons get on so well with them aswell.

I feel sad that I never had parents and now I have ILs that can't be what I need them to be.

I don't like my ils (that the whole lot - FIL/MIL/SIL and the relatives).

They are very needy and kind of needy people who come along and create havoc, expect you to apologise, sort out the mess for them (usually involving lots of cash) and then thank them. Also lacking in any kind of respect for my culture.

My marriage hasn't recovered from MILs last visit when ds was born. I'm also flying out to get her and bring her back here (dh wants her to help look after him when he has his huge gum operation - 30 mins with a local anasthetic) - so that's probably the end of marriage.

No, I don't like them and I don't wish things could be better - no point - they think they are fabulous and I'm lucky to be associated with them.

Rant over.

You can't really change your inlaws - you just have to ensure that dh is able to pave the way for the best possible relations for all possible.

I'm certainly not alone am i, i agree with u huggymummy that your dh has to pave the way for the best poss relations for all. He sometimes complains that it's awful being stuck in the middle when i'm having a rant about them, but if he was more assertive with them prior to us getting together than i'm sure things would of been easier.

I'm so sorry Nab3wishes that you never had parents and your inls aren't what u need ((((((hugs)))))i hope you have a great dh & lovely kids that fill your days with great happiness. X

My IL's won't even acknowledge me! At our wedding they never spoke a word to me and wouldn't even stand near me when we were having photo's taken.

MIL's sister is just as bad and once referred to me and dc's in a card as "etc".

We don't have anything to do with them now but I do feel sad for dh and it would've been nice to have got on with them as I'm not very close to my own parents. They're missing out on so much especially as dh is an only child.

bigboydiditandranaway I could have written all of your posts and it also makes me feel sad that like you I only tolerate my inlaws and don't and probably never will like them. I am pregnant with my third and I told my mum within a couple of days of finding out so probably only just 4 weeks, we didn't tell dp's parents until 14 weeks despite the fact we saw them a few times.

Do I feel sad we'll never get along? Definitely not! What I feel is anger that I wasted 12 out of the 14 years DH and I have been together, putting up with the ILs tantrums, sweeping everything under the carpet afterwards in the name of faaaaamily, being ignored whether it was at our house (the last visit from them a few weeks ago, the ILs managed a "hello" and "goodbye" and that was it in the 4 hours they were at our house) or at their house- my last few visits to their house 3 1/2 years ago, I spent hours by myself staring at their lounge wall while they chatted to DH in another room.
They've made it clear that despite giving them the only grandchildren they've got, they hate me because I "stole" their Son, and their tantrums have meant that DH doesn't want to anger them so he won't stand up to them. Well, now they've got what they wanted and DH visits by himself. And because I now don't visit, neither do DDs (they choose not to visit either because I don't go).
The ILs bad treatment of me over the years means they are reaping what they've sown as far as I'm concerned. Nope, no sadness at all that we don't get along. It's DH's family, DH's problem, I'm well out of it!

Yes but I recognise it's because of my MIL bhaviour and actually feel sorry for her and her husband.

I do feel a bit sad for my DH, that I don't get on with his parents but I have tried so many times for it all to be thrown back in my face. They have no interest in our DCs which is what really angers me. They figure that since I have my own mother to help out they should focus more on their other children (DH has two sisters who are both single parents) as they need more support. So we're basically penalised by them emotionally and financially for not being drug takers, living on the dole or splitting up.

I can count on two hands the number of times they have met our DCs, (eldest is 5), even though it was only an hour drive away. I actually thought that having a child with DH would have brought the family closer together having witnessed how they dote on the other grandchildren, but they have never shown any interest. I don't think they even know I'm expecting DC5 next month.

I am so thankful that we have my mother to help us out but often wonder how DH must really be feeling about it.

I also can't help but compare to Exp's family who had we had children, would absolutely dote on the DCs and would do anything and everything to be involved in their lives.

my inl's do pay ds attention, or should i say they want to be the centre of ds's attention, they can be totally overwhelming & pushy, they then call ds a mummy's boy when ds wants to come to me for a cuddle
they think they're really easygoing & understanding yet they are the complete opposite.

Sometimes i hope for the day they konk out isn't that an awful thing to think

I'm the same too, feel really sad that I don't like mine. too much water has gone under the bridge now though.