DM's favouritism and scapegoating my 3yo DD

[Sadaboutth]

I have a 5yo son, 3.5yo daughter and 12mo baby.

My 5yo has autism and is most definitely my DM's favourite. He was her first grandchild, she has watched him struggle and then flourish and they have a really close bond.

The problem is how, in my eyes, she treats my 3.5yo DD.

DD was an early talker, breezed through her milestones and quickly overtook her older brother. I noticed over time that my DM holds her to a much higher standard than DS dispite being younger.

If DS and DD are messing around doing the same thing it's DD who gets the blame. If DS does something naughty DM will find a way of blaming it on DD, for example "it's DD, she started it"

If DD is being a bit cheeky or pushing boundaries a little, as all pre-schoolers do, she is much less forgiving and seems to hold it against her.

She has much less patience with DD and is alot less warm towards her.

DD's only delay was getting out of nappies and DM used to say to her she needs to hurry up and get out of them otherwise kids at school would laugh at her when she started.

It goes without saying I have addressed it as and when it's happening and made clear I feel she picks on DD but she's adamant that she doesn't.

There is another layer of complexity to this, my DM isn't your average adult. She has some learning needs, no idea about any diagnosis but she went to a special school, for all intents and purposes is much more mentally child-like than she is an adult.

My DD is a great kid, kind and affectionate, inquisitive, clever but yes strong willed. She happens to be the spitting image of me and this is why I suspect DM is so intolerant of her. I think DD reminds her of me.

I was quite a naughty child, as an adult I can look back and easily attribute that to the parenting I had or lack thereof, it was shit and as a result of DM's shortcomings which ok she couldn't help.. I was inadvertedly neglected. DM would always tell me I was a "problem child" and the reason for her problems and not the other way around.

We get on for the most part now I'm an adult but that's because I don't depend on her and she isn't responsible for me.

Dispite me pulling her up on how she is towards DD it doesn't change. It seems like she's incapable of hiding her dislike. She's nice and kind to her but as soon as DD is anything but perfectly behaved the mask slips.

People will be wondering why I bother with her at all but the truth is she's a much better grandparent to DS than she ever was to me a mother. DS adores her, truly adores her, probably more than he does me or his dad. Cutting her off would be catastrophic for DS. I just couldn't do it to him.

How can I remedy this situation and protect my DD? Only allow her access to DS?

"Much better" doesn't actually mean good though, does it? By your own words your mum scapegoats your daughter, and you feel she treats her this way because she reminds her of you. And you can't stop it because it would upset your son. That's really heartbreaking, OP. For you and for your daughter. Even if you challenge your mum at the time these things are said, it still happens again and the words are said, heard, and internalised by your daughter. And by your son too. How often does your mum see your kids? You didn't have a choice in how your mum treated you. You have a choice in how you let your mum treat your daughter. This is your responsibility. To BOTH of your kids.

They see her atleast once a week and she's due to stay here for Christmas.

It's heartbreaking because DD loves her, but it won't be long until she starts to see the comments for what they are and it will affect her self esteem, trust etc.

I hoped that me pulling her up on it when it happens would send a message that its not going to be accepted but it goes in one ear and out of the other as the next time she sees her it's the same.

I know the right thing to do is cut contact completely but it feels so hard to do 😔

DD is 3. She loves whoever you tell her is a safe person. The danger here is that she grows up thinking this is normal and internalised it. After all, granny says it and granny loves her.....and mummy was right there when she said it, so it must be okay. This is such a sad post to read, honestly. I really feel for the child you were and the adult you are, but I also can't help but see a little girl who is being treated nastily in the here and now where it can prevented. And I hate to say it OP, but your original post read a bit like you were torn over whether to put a stop to this nasty treatment because it might upset your son. I am sure it's not as black and white as that, but it's there none the less. Are you in therapy? If not I would seriously consider it as it sounds like you have a lot to unpack. You know the right thing to do, but I know exactly how you feel and it is very hard. It feels impossible, like it could never be done. The secret though, is that you have all the power here. Your mum cannot make you do anything you don't want to do anymore. You're no longer the child. The sky will not fall if you tell her no, and the world won't end if you tell her she cannot come over. I know because I thought it would and was shocked to find it did not.

What do you fear will happen if you say no to your mother?