DH’s confusing

[EternalCountrygirl]

I don’t know what to do. Doing nothing means we just continue as we are, which I can do but it makes me feel awful sometimes. Doing something opens cans of worms which may be best left! Also I feel this might not be easily explained, like I’m complaining about nothing very much, but then I suppose that’s the point of AIBU.
My husband rarely gives a straight answer to a straight question. It’s like a combination of all the following situations -he (a) isn’t listening to me, (b) can’t be bothered to think, just says whatever’s easiest and takes less time to say, (c) is always annoyed that I’d bother him with a question and punishes me by not answering appropriately, or (d) is a nasty ba..t..rd which I don’t want to contemplate. The main reason I can’t contemplate this is because in many other ways he’s the loveliest man, best dad, DB, DS and SIL. He really, truly is. He’s kind to everyone and has many work and outside work responsibilities and he looks after everyone with care and time. Yet at home he’s not always. He is a good man and husband, but when this happens, mostly every day, it feels awful, like we’re on different planets, or that perhaps I’m unaware of myself and how I sound. I have considered that it’s stress, and he is stressed, but when I have tried to talk to him about it he won’t accept it, and says that either I’m saying he is nasty, or that I’m paranoid, which I’m very sure I’m not! My daughters confirm this and see what I see, but he won’t accept it. Does anyone else have this with their DHs?!

Can you give a typical example of the question and the answer?

Could be about anything tbh. And not always in a q and a context. For example, I might say that so and so has bought an item, and DH would say no they haven’t because ….. .When it turns out they did. At times I’ve been wrong in conversations with others because of what my DH led me to believe by not answering in a normal straight answer way. Another example is Earlier today my DH and Dd went out to buy a bigger Christmas tree stand as our old one was too small. On their return I asked “did you buy another tree stand?” and he said “No! I bought a stand that fits our tree!” annoyed as apparently he thought I’d asked him if he’d bought , actually I don’t know what he thought, I can’t make sense of it at all. If it was once or twice I’d think nothing if it, but it’s often.

I’d like to confirm that I never bring my DDs into this, they are older now and independently give their opinions when they are present.

My STBXH has done a) to d) to me for many many years. But I couldn’t reconcile it because he’s a great guy and everyone loves him. But I was so so unhappy.

I went to see a therapist. Long story short, he’s an entitled bully with narcissistic traits. He does not see me as his equal and this wasn’t an equal marriage. He treats me often like I’m the recalcitrant teenager who won’t clean her room, or the junior employee in an office who doesn’t actually work for the boss (my H), I should bloody well do so.

He spent so much energy making sure everybody else thinks he’s great, he’s forgotten that he should be nice to me as well. I learnt about ‘connection bids’. Those times you reach out to your partner. It might be a touch on the arm, a comment about the weather. Ideally the partner returns the bid with one of his own, and so a nice moment happens.

Any information/bids from me were often ignored, or a huffed at. I was disturbing him, whatever I was doing, his needs were more important. He didn’t listen properly, but would say I hadn’t told him. He would give me any bullshit answer if he thought he could get away with it.

I also get the, you asked the question wrong so I will give you a smart arse answer which proves my superiority.

My H is devasted (mostly because of finances), but he killed my love by a thousand snubs, put downs, huffs, smirks and sneers.

Perhaps the next time, see if his behaviour fits with the idea that he thinks you are his junior partner who should let him be in charge.

Hope this doesn’t sound too harsh but he cannot be the ‘loveliest man’ or a ‘good man and husband’ when he makes you ‘feel awful’ and this happens ‘mostly every day’!
You need to sit down and have a serious talk with him, telling him how you feel, that he bites back at you every day - so what it going on?
I think it is worrying that you are reluctant to ‘open cans of worms’ - what exactly are you afraid of here?

Maybe he's overstretched, and when relaxing at home, is in relax mode and can't be arsed. Not nice for you but if he has a lot on his plate, something has to give.

More honest communication is the way forward. Explain how you feel and be forgiving and work together on a solution x

It is obvious to us reading this that the answer is (d).

He is not the loveliest man, he truly isn't. He isn't the best dad, because the best dads do not abuse their children's mother. And that is what he is doing to you. Lots of abusers are lovely to everyone else, and everybody thinks they are so nice and kind. Behind closed doors - different story.

It's not you - it's him, and your dd's have already noticed, haven't they?

Hm, I've experienced similar, from ExH. Could not give me a straight Yes or No, if his life depended on it. Deliberate misunderstanding, leaving long long gaps before giving any answer and then it would be ......hmm.........long gap......hmmm......some obtuse unhelpful non answer to the simple question I had asked.

In general treated me like a malfunctioning staff member, it's a control thing.

His lovely kindness is all for appearances. It's not genuine, he tells you you are nasty and paranoid, which is why you feel so weirded out.

every day, it feels awful, like we’re on different planets

This is not how the wife of a truly lovely, kind good husband and dad feels. It's not. He has spent a long time crafting his image of lovely kind good person, and you believe him, but his behaviour with you tells you otherwise.

I think if you have a little ponder and do some research into emotional abuse, you might have some revelatory moments which help you realise there's more in this can of worms than you might have initially realised.

Thank you for your responses. I tried to talk to him last night and explain my perspective, I tried to be careful with my words but he got upset and hasn’t spoken to me since. I’m putting it down to stress for now, but have taken what you’ve said on board

Silent treatment is form of emotional abuse. This is not how respectful grown ups behave.

Have you heard of cognitive dissonance @EternalCountrygirl ?

He's being horrible to you, but you can't just think 'He's being horrible to me' because he's so nice at other times. So you have 2 conflicting truths going on at the same time; he is both horrible, and not horrible.

This is a classic symptom of abusive relationships. As is the other thing you're doing, which is trying to give him an excuse or reason for his poor behaviour (he's stressed/he's tired) It doesn't matter why he's making you feel bad. What matters is that he is consistently making you feel bad, and he dismisses your feelings. That's abusive, whether he's stressed or not.

If he's a nice man with difficulty communicating at home, for some bizarre reason, then gently clarifying what he says as opposed to challenging it might help.

DH struggles. Inside his head he thinks it's clear, but what I hear isn't.

Now I'll say
Can you clarify?
is that a yes or a no?
Did you mean you will be late tomorrow?
I thought I asked are you warm enough- did you mean to say yes?

It's pushed him into being clearer, and when it's unclear I generally get clarification.

He's the same talking to his parents, and sometimes I act as interpreter.

He's better in more formal situations, because he pays more attention and says less.

He's using you as an emotional punching bag 🤷‍♀️

He doesn't do it to other people because he thinks his wife is his emotional "dustbin" where he can put all his vile nasty behaviours into and never treat like a human being.

Your only option is to massively withdraw (stop talking to him), and call him out everytime he speaks to you rudely. "Don't talk to me like that, it's rude." Do not get into an argument!

You might be able to train him to treat you with respect, but you might not.

Or he's just not nice and likes blaming it on you.

Only you can tell.

Some people do think if you love them, you can mind read.

He's gone quiet on you because he doesn't like you standing up for yourself.

Always giving an answer you won't like - always picking you up on things - misunderstanding things that are perfectly understandable... These individual 'pin-prick's lead to you living as if on egg-shells.

This is behaviour shown to someone a person is irritated/angry with.
The silent treatment is from the same book.

It is disguised aggression - he feels that he can't be 'done' for it and can show you wide-eyed innocence or outraged anger when you pick him up on it ... but he knows he is doing it. There is something wrong between you.

Your only option is to massively withdraw (stop talking to him)=

So, to do exactly what he's doing to OP now, and we're telling her is unhealthy behaviour?

This isn't your only option at all, OP.

The walking on eggshells around his moods and his silent treatment, him being on another planet, plus the other things that will be going on that you haven't quite pinned yet that make you feel awful and like something is wrong, are all down to control.

You're currently being punished with his silence for challenging him. When he decides enough is enough, he will start talking to you again, and you'll be so grateful the silent treatment is over you'll go along with it. He might even crack a few jokes or clean the kitchen for you becaue he's such a nice guy. Back and forth you'll go, blaming his moods on your wrongdoing, his stress, tiredness, the moon, whatever, as long as it's not him.

I wish you lots of strength, whatever the future brings for you. You're certainly not alone.

The great thing is that you and your daughters see him in his true light. It sounds as though they have left home or will leave shortly.

If I were you I'd be making plans to leave, too.

He is gaslighting the life out of you. You'll find a lot of people don't believe you - they don't have to. They're not the ones living with him. If I were you I'd be very vague about a break up and say, "Oh, long story..." or something like that and not give any reasons at all. If he presents one face to the public and another to you, the public won't accept what you have to say.

”he’s the loveliest man, best dad, DB, DS and SIL. He really, truly is. He’s kind to everyone and has many work and outside work responsibilities and he looks after everyone with care and time.”
He is not lovely, because he treats you, his wife, very badly. A lovely man doesn’t do that.

My father used to do something similar. At work he was Mr Nice. To the neighbours and extended family he was Mr Nice. Everyone thought he was a saint. He was constantly putting himself out to help people (often giving other people priority over his wife and kids). At home he was a spiteful bully. He put on an act for other people, then when he came home, could no longer hold in the resentment and frustrations he didn’t dare to show openly at work, and all the negativity burst out. He took everything out on his wife and kids. It was a miserable life. My mother eventually divorced him after putting up with it for far too long.

Don’t let him convince you that you’re the problem, and don’t believe that he’s “upset”. He’s angry with you because you stood up for yourself.