Ended a toxic friendship but feel guilty

[Happydays1987]

I had a friend for around 13 years, lets call her Jane. The earlier days of our friendship were fun and I couldn’t of imagined my life without her back then(I was 22 at the time now in my 30’s). Over the years I have seen more of her nasty, jealous and manipulative side. When I got together with my first serious boyfriend she tried to turn 2 of our mutual friends against me, told them things I had said in confidence and generally stirred the pot. So much so one friend did stop talking to me for 6 months and then manipulatively Jane tried to look like the mediator and ‘bring us back together’ Anyway she made me feel all of that was my fault rather than her being insanely jealous and causing it, but I accepted it was my fault and had been a lousy friend. We had continued to be friends over the years and I may sound like a mug but couldn’t help but feel guilty not to be a good friend to her. She had a bit of a poo unbringing and I always wanted to see the good in her. I was her bridesmaid, I arranged her hen night, spoiled her rotten on her 30th birthday etc. Over the years she has made many a spiteful remark towards me and when I had my first baby was rather absent in my life which hurt me very much. Never asked after him, didn’t visit only saw him when I drove to her. I got married when my son was one and didn’t invite her but at that point didn’t feel she deserved a space at my table. She is someone who is very much all about herself and would probably have made some remark towards me on my special day. On top of all this her husband is very rude. A comment she gave me when I was pregnant and not married “well me and husband talked about conceiving before our wedding but to be honest we didn’t want a bastard child” this comment was aimed at me but I didn’t rise to it. She was livid I got married and didn’t invite her. We ended up talking due to a mutual friend of ours passing away. Anyway we have exchanged a few polite text messages since then but I feel the friendship is done but can’t help feeling really bad about it? I think because we have a lot of history and I have always kept her around but now it’s done. Looking for opinions of others who have been im the same boat! Xxx

It’s done, for sure - she’s clearly not a good person, nor a real friend.

You’d be better off investing your time and energy asking yourself why you have put up with her crap for so many years - what have you learned about yourself from this situation and have you improved your boundaries from this experience.

I think I had a skewed idea of what friendship actually is! On top of always looking to see the good in people

Hey. You shouldn't feel guilty because you know best how you feel.
I have a similar girlfriend.
We lived together, we supported each other, but at the moment we are not on good terms.
Such people want to blame others and never look at themselves.
However, it is difficult for empathic people to move on with their lives without caring

I still miss my former best friend (cousin) and been nc for 6 years now. I see her in my dreams sometimes and all the good times we had but my life now is so much better without her. I have had up and down moments in my marriage and honestly it's a blessing that she's not part of my life to witness these preventing her from gaining access in materials that she can't use against me to make me feel deflated. Looking back she was no real friend (cousin), she was literally like a frenemy. Who needs these types of people in their life when someone who is cheering in the inside when you're sad and someone who gets jealous of you and can't be happy for your causing grief when you are at your best. Think of all the cons in the relationship and you won't feel guilty that you have ended it. People don't change so don't go down the route to reconcile.

She’s sounds horrible OP.
I had a similar friend, the barbed comments that meant I thought I was the problem. I eventually had enough . You will feel guilty and I’ll be honest in my case I found it really difficult to stop communicating with them. If you feel the friendship is done, block or delete her number and don’t look back.

Don't feel bad about protecting yourself from this kind of negativity. It doesn't sound as though she's actually brought anything beneficial and positive to your life for a very long time. I think it's easy to forget sometimes that friendship is a two way street.
I've cut off from two people within the last year. Neither were as long term as the friendship you describe. With the first I realised that she had become very demanding of my time and head space but it was all on her terms. Everything had become a competition and, like you, I realised I was at the receiving end of lots of barbed comments and often downright rudeness. I distanced myself initially, keeping things polite, but that seemed to ramp up her behaviour as if she was lashing out and in the end it was easier just to cut all contact. I haven't regretted it at all.
With the second person, I realised that I was being used as a measure against which they could compare themselves and they were keen to show me how they were doing better. There was a particularly callous and insensitive comment made recently and I haven't been able to come back from that. I haven't outright cut contact with this person yet but I only engage if they have made an effort to contact me and its on superficial levels. I guess with both of them I realised I was giving up far too much of my time and attention when it really was never returned and they probably didn't care about me in the same way at all. It made me question why I seemed to attract people like that and has made me appreciate my real friendships far more.

My thoughts are you stayed in this friendship too long - I've also stayed in friendships too long, several times!

My theory is that people from emotionally healthy families have the skills to see the red flags, listen to their emotions and move on from these toxic friendships at a much earlier age. Definitely just based on my own experiences and journey though - could be complete bollocks!

Now, at 50, I won't have a close friend who makes PA or levelling remarks amongst other things - I've also got the confidence to ask clarifying questions - if they haven't done the work by this age then I don't think there is much hope.

why be friends with a horrible person? No need to feel guilty at all.

Hi OP I have a very similar situation. As one poster said you need to look at why you had this friend in your life treating you this way. For me it was all down to me, my low self worth and a traumatic childhood where my parents treated me like shite too. You gravitate to people and situations that are familiar ti you NOT what is good for you. Well done making the hardest step deciding your worth more than this friendship. Just trust yourself trust your gut as hard as that may seem at first. Once you start to trust yourself and value your worth you will never look back.

I agree with the earlier poster mentioning where people who come from families with healthy relationships would recognise red flags immediately. I too unfortunately come from a family that had a unhealthy relationship and overtime I've failed to recognise the red flags in both my friendships and personal relationships where I hanged on too tightly scared of letting it go for longer than it was needed. When you are in a household where your mother is treated like crap and children are not a priority then you grow up to seek that validation from people to feel better and can't let go easily and you feel tamed in that relationship despite it being toxic. Don't feel guilty at all and well done for recognising it. It's taking me years to recognise how unhealthy some friendships I've had how soul crushing and energy consuming it was until now when I look back and think what a waste it was.

I appreciate all of your comments! I have always found it difficult to cut people out because I always internalise it and convince myself I should do better and I am the problem/should be a better friend. I think unfortunately because of that I have accepted way to much bullshit and allowed people to belittle me/be rude etc. This particular friend has been jealous of me our entire friendship. I didn’t see it at first although numerous people told me so. At times she has acted caring towards me but I just feel there is always an undercurrent of jealousy and gloating on her part. And her jealousy got the better of her when I got engaged and had my son. But in my eyes your ‘best’ friends should be there for you. Because I know and I would and have always done the same without question x

I remember when I was pregnant going for a meal with her and a mutual friend who also can be so rude. Whilst we were eating Jane said in conversation “I can’t stand it on Facebook when people put full time mummy as their job, er that isn’t a full time job (said to me) if you did that I’d bitch slap you” I wish I had said f**k you and left!