Feel silly - low self esteem and pressure on myself

[yellowfairylight]

I feel silly even writing this!

I’ve been with my boyfriend officially for about 3 months now, so all still quite new and exciting.
Yesterday I was struck with the flu and it’s honestly the worst I’ve ever felt. I had aches, chills, a migraine, 40 temperature and could barely function, talk or think straight.

My boyfriend was at mine because I’d just moved into a new flat. I was napping and without me asking he’d helped unpack my things, generally tidy my room, made me soup, went out early in the morning to get me covid tests for work, and he has been an absolute angel. Doing everything he could to help me. He then went off to work this morning.

Now I’m someone who has quite low self esteem and I’ve also had some nasty ex’s in the past. I’ve been very anxious though as I was so excited to spend time with him this weekend and instead I’ve been in bed napping, or we’ve been eating and I’ve been silent because I feel so ill and have barely spoken to him.

I just always want to be fun around him, and I’ve felt like I’ve bored him to death and I’m not showing my best self. I feel so anxious about it and I said he could go home if he wanted, but he told me not to be silly and that he wants to look after me, and to focus on getting better.

I know he’s right but I put so much pressure on myself to please him and make myself look fun and exciting. I also had an ex who called me boring when I had covid last year because I was bed bound lol.

I don’t know if I’m making sense but how do I stop putting so much pressure on myself? I don’t want to ruin a good thing.

Bump

His actions should show you that he actually cares and wants to look after you. There are many men in far more established relationships who would not have been so thoughtful.

i know its hard when youre anxious, but try and recognise that this is actually a great indication that he likes you for you. Which is a great sign at this stage.

He sounds like a lovely chap to look after you so well when you are poorly. Have you contacted him to tell him how much you appreciate what he did?

If he is as decent as he appears, he will certainly not expect you to be the life and soul of the party 24/7 and will accept that when ill, you will want to rest and not be your usual self.

I used to have low self-esteem and lack confidence, and I still get that way from time to time. But I am much better at snapping myself out of it by focusing on my good qualities and all that I have achieved in life. If you can't love/like yourself, how can you expect others to?

Have you thought of working on your low self-esteem? I did Cognitive behaviour therapy, and it really is effective for changing your thought process to stop those negative thoughts from taking over your life. Low self-esteem is often caused by how we process situations, and CBT will teach you how to change that pattern of negative thoughts and emotions.

What would you do if he were unwell? Would you do what he's doing for you now?

If yes, Congratulations- you have a relationship with someone who values you as much as you value him.

Where does it come from? What was your childhood like? Were you encouraged to talk about your feelings? Taken care of lovingly when you were upset? Nurtured and respected?

Or were you told to 'be quiet' when you cried, or did you some second in priority to a sibling/an ill or addicted parent/parental fallings out etc?

Were your parents loving and respectful of each other when they were under the weather? And generally?

Yeah to be fair my upbringing was variable in terms of the attention I got from my parents. I have older siblings who took the limelight a lot and I’ve definitely got poor self esteem

OK, well, then it sounds like you've done what anybody would do as a result of that, and developed an anxious attachment style. It was really useful to me to recognise this in myself; perhaps it will help you too:

www.attachmentproject.com/blog/anxious-attachment/#:~:text=Adults%20with%20an%20anxious%20attachment,for%20their%20strong%20emotional%20needs.

For me it made me insecure and quite volatile, and when I sorted it out, it all happened in the blink of an eye. It's about realising something, rather than trying to change yourself or your behaviours/feelings, so it doesn't have to take long. I came to a new understanding whilst out walking my dog one day, and my life improved immediately!

Your boyfriend sounds lovely.

He sounds so lovely! This is definitely about you and your confidence rather than him (unless you're spotting love bombing red flags?)

Feel better soon, so many many germs around!