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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it me or them?

2 replies

Isthismeorthem · 12/12/2022 15:36

Hi, here are the highlights. I’m feeling a bit upset that my family continues to ostracise me.
Parents divorced when I was a teen. Dad disappeared when he had a new girlfriend and only showed up when he got bored and lonely. I saw this, but accepted the scraps of this relationship.
Mum got a new relationship and asked me to leave home a he wanted to move in and felt uncomfortable living with a teenage girl. So I felt had little choice. Fast forward to when I have kids, my mother spends all her time undermining me and telling me I’m a terrible mother. Eventually, after years of this, my husband confronts her about her behaviour to me. She refuses to see me, after this. After a few years she’s decided she forgives me (?) but I decided to remain no contact.
Dad has remained in and out of the picture. I find out he’s a functioning alcoholic and becomes violent to his current wife. When he’s out on a binge I encourage her to contact the police. He was arrested for drink driving and consequently lost his job.

He blames me for his arrest.

The problem is not only have I lost my parents, my aunts, uncles and Grandparents also have cut contact with me.

I have my own family, I have my husband’s family. I can see my family are not particularly great. However, especially at this time of year, I feel a bit sad about it.

I send Christmas cards to my extended family. I get nothing back. I recently found out my Grandma had died but nobody told me.

I can’t help but wonder- is it me?

OP posts:
Hoplesscynic · 12/12/2022 15:46

From what I'm reading I'd say No, it isn't you. Sounds like most of your family are pretty sh*t and not interested in anyone but themselves. Your dad is an abusive alcoholic, would you even want him in your life? You may be able to have a LC relationship with your mum, but I'd keep it really low if she continues undermining and critising you.
Don't bother with any more cards, calls or pleasantries. Leave them all to it and concentrate on your own little family. Blood relationships are overrated anyway.

imjustaguy · 12/12/2022 21:02

I just wanted to say sorry that your family are the way the are.. it’s not you it’s them and don’t let their horrible behaviour make you doubt yourself. I was struck reading this because it’s a similar situation my daughter is going through with my exW and her side of the family all because she confronted her Mum for truly selfish horrible behaviour (although I’m not an alcoholic and she has my support) and it makes me sad so I can’t imagine how it makes her and you feel about being easily dropped by a whole side if the family.

Stay strong and stick to your boundaries to keep yourself sane and a surround yourself with healthy people that enjoy your company, including your DH family and your DH.

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