I feel like I'm losing my grip on reality

[clementyne]

I don't really know what I want from this thread, but I have no-one in real life I can talk to.

Me and my DP have a 3 year old and have been together for 10 years. We just can't agree on anything, we don't like the same things anymore, we irritate each other. I had resigned myself to an unhappy relationship for the sake of not having to split custody of our child. But lately the balance has tipped from not getting along to him being nasty to me on a regular basis. Calls me names, shouts, swears at me, goes mad over very normal things I say, constantly making out that I'm really weird, tells me I'm insane, I'm vacant and absent, I say strange things, I'm nasty and cold and manipulative. When I disagree with him about anything he accuses me of gaslighting him. Worse, he tells me that I've become insane because I work from home and don't see anyone all day, and we recently moved away from my family and friends. Whenever I do something he doesn't like - mild things like cook something he doesn't like, or have a different opinion on what to buy child for chirstmas - he yells that I've done it on purpose to get at him because I'm evil and manipulative.

Anyway, I have reached a point where I feel that my entire sense of reality is being eroded and I can't tell if what he is saying is true anymore. I am absent and distant from him, but that's the coping mechanism I've developed to handle living with someone who will scream at me that I'm a "narcisstic evil cunt" when I do things like ask him not to drink my coffee. He regularly starts fights over nothing and then stoms off claiming that it's just too much to be in the same room as me, for example he can't eat with me because I'm just too unbearable. I feel that I am actually going insane now, I can't trust my own judgement. I probably do act weird, because in my head I am always scanning what I say to avoid him going off on one. I am starting to lose any sense of who I am as a person - I honestly cannot tell if I am the person that he says that I am - selfish, nasty, manipulative, cold, unfeeling, self obsessed, deeply strange - or if I am the person I think I am, a bit odd perhaps but kind and loving, and essentially very unlucky in who I chose to be the father of my children.

This all sounds pathetic written down. Before I was a normal person with good relationships with family, a wide circle of friends, doing well in a competitive career. He turned on me almost the day that our child was born, and has been getting worse ever since, and now three years on I just feel like a shell of a person, I've given up my career and alienated my friends and family. I can't leave because I can see he's already working away on his "crazy manipulative ex" story, and I simply cannot face only seeing my child for half the week, and having their head filled with the poison against me from him. As horrible a partner as he makes, I think he would make a far more horrible ex.

you poor thing, you are being abused by him, what he is saying to you is shocking, you need to contact Women's Aid and reach out to family and friends. you do need to leave him, otherwise your little one will hear the abuse anyway. you can't stay in this environment. There is nothing wrong with you, he's an abusive awful person, who has probably isolated you deliberately. I'm sorry, but I think you know you and your son can't live like this (and what about when all that anger and nastiness comes out near or to his own child?)

As for not leaving your son with him half the week, my guess is he wouldn't actually want to parent half the week, these kind of men never do, but get legal and Women's Aid advice on this going forward.

Do what the youngsters do and get your phone out every time to video. Send vids to trusted relatives

Also, plan where you could go and how you will manage. That level of nastiness rarely gets better just because you want it to

You cannot stay, you are not helping your son by staying - this nasty piece of work who is your partner is trying to force you apart from reality and then claim that any results of that are your fault. Let other people anchor you and take the wise advice of people here about speaking to the organisations that are here to help. You are not pathetic, you have recognised that something is wrong and it takes a lot of strength to do that.

Come on OP. Read back what you have written, and then think about what you would advise someone else in the same situation. No one deserves to be treated that way. He will be a far better ex than he is partner as he will lose his power over you, and you can get your support network back. I would guess that your friends and family have a good idea what is going on, and would be delighted to support you once you have left. Don't stay and teach your DC that being spoken to that was is normal.

You can't have your son growing upnseeing you treated this way. 3 is a crucial point in development. Personality disorders are commonly formed around this time. Get away from this horrible man ASAP. You don't want your boy growing up thinking its OK to treat others like this. Or be treated this way himself.

Put it this way, even if you aren't sure it's abuse from him (it is, btw) - you are miserable in this relationship and feel like you're going nuts. Get out of it and away from this 'man' as soon as you can.

Relationships are supposed to make our lives happier. This guy is literally doing the opposite!
Time to go. Children should not be raised in unhappy (and abusive) homes.

Ps, remember this - You have every right to be hurt when someone is cruel to you. You deserve to feel loved, safe, heard and happy. You matter and what you want matters. Your.feelings.are.valid.

Thanks all. I think I needed to hear this. Especially the point about the effects on my son - he has started calling me names and swearing at me in front of him, and it would break my heart to think that we are raising him to be the type of man who speaks to women like this. I think I wasn't registering it as abuse because it's not physical and because he potrays it as being equally both of our fault, mine for pushing him to react like this. I actually deliberately never retaliate because I know it's what he wants.

He will almost certainly want my son for half the week. He's always been very cotnrolling over the minute details concerning him, what he eats, how we speak to him, who can look after him. Obviously while leaving all the grunt work to me! And if he didn't want him half the week I have no idea how I will support us until he goes to school, it's not for another year and a half. I was going to try and stick it out at least until then, but now I'm worried I'm exposing him to damage.

Thank you so much for this - your last paragraph has reduced me to tears. If I didn't have a child I absolutely would have walked away years ago, but I have always felt like I owed it to everyone to keep the family together. I thought that he needed him to hit me or cheat on me before I could have a real reason, and I knew he would never do either. I have been coping by telling myself that this treatment is what I deserve, and think I needed to hear someone tell me otherwise.

I wouldn't recommend trying to film him it could really enrage him.

The clarity you write with is incredibly admirable given the extent to which he is undermining your sense of reality.

Just shows how strong and resilient you are.
It won't get better this is classic emotional abuse.

You need to get away from him. Tell your family or someone else you trust and make plans to leave.

I was in a similar situation by the way - after threatening to 'fight me for custody' and intimidating me when we were splitting up he never actually ended up wanting much contact with the kids at all !

You don't have to stick it out. You aren't his prisoner. There are many threads about women in dreadfully toxic relationships. Some have no job, no self esteem and have left to enter a refuge and start again (other posters have mentioned Women's Aid). It may have taken years for them to be Independent again but they all say that they never looked back. All that pain and upheaval was worth it just to get away from their abusers. Your children and you deserve a good life, free from abuse. Like you said you don't want your son to be exposed to DP's abuse. You don't have to live this way.

If he has your DC 50/50 i'll eat my hat - though he may threaten you with it. Can you return to your family/friends/career? Don't waste your time discussing things with him and trying to reason with him. Quietly make your plans to keep you and DC safe and happy.

Dh remembered his childhood for all the rows between his parents. He had no happy memories with them at all. Their still married, over 60 years.

Any of us can leave a relationship for any reason. You dont have to work your notice.

What everyone else is saying.

But what jumps out at me is that you say it has got worse and much more aggressive recently, and further on you say that you have recently moved away from your family and friends. Isolation is a classic abuser's tactic.
I also see signs of DARVO, (Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim and Offender) when he is accusing you of gaslighting and manipulation.

You do have several real reasons to leave him. You are unhappy. That's all.
Don't wait for him to become violent or to contaminate your child.

OP that is an awful situation to be in and I would want out of it a.s.a.p. If you want to do that, it would be important for you to get hold of any important documents to you - birth certificate, educational certificates, passport, child's birth certificate/passport etc and keep them somewhere secure and known to you.

If you have access to online banking, make sure you have an account where mail doesn't come through the letterbox and only you have access. If possible, squirrel away some money.

Quietly get in touch with any support network, even if it's some distance away, and start thinking about essentials for you and DS that are quickly and easily packed.

If it feels urgent to you (and it sounds as if it does), the run-up to Christmas isn't a bad time to seek support from family and friends, as more people tend to be around over the Christmas holidays. Don't give in to any emotional manipulation about how bad you are to go at that time. If he wants to see DS he can come to wherever you are surrounded by other people. Don't let any show of remorse or charm tempt you back - trust your understanding of what's been happening to you.

However difficult the situation if you leave and need to find work (but there are resources and your local Women's Aid should be able to help you access them), it won't be as shit as living the way you're living.

What an evil man he is. You must make plans to leave. Will he really want 50-50 I’d be really surprised. I suspect a threat to keep you at home. So sorry you’re going through this - you dont deserve it- and you must remember that. Neither does your child

They get the custody then just neglect them, that's the issue.

I was in your shoes 3 years back, it was identical. He micromanaged every aspect of the kids lives and within a month of us leaving he was just not turning up for visits and instead turning up when it suited him. This is the man who was telling me he would go for full custody because I couldn't be trusted with caring for them on account of what a selfish delusional cunt I was. I was with him 16 years.

They haven't seen him in two years and he doesn't even bother with happy birthday phone calls let alone presents, I had to chase maintenance with the CSA/CMS and he tried to worm his way out of that until they started taking it directly out of his wages.

It took me a few years after having the realisation you've had to actually leave because he'd fucked my self esteem and perception of reality so much that I kept convincing myself we needed to keep him sweet or I wouldn't cope.

You WILL benefit from support from anywhere but womens aid are brilliant, I also relied heavily on mumsnet for pep talks and encouragement when I was doubting myself and minimising what was happening. An outside perspective is really useful and you will need it reinforced as the mind fuckery these men inflict goes deeper than you realise when you're in it..

If anything its more important to leave for the kids sake. You don't want them growing up thinking this is normal for relationships.

And it's better to give them one entirely safe space away from the nasty parent that they can retreat to, rather than always having to be around him. Because you cannot shelter the children 24/7. They will always feel like they are walking on eggshells around him, just as you do. Plus, they'd have to witness their mother being abused.

But you can be a role model who shows them that we do not remain with abusive people. And when they're in their teens, if he starts that shit with them, hopefully they'll take a leaf out of your book and tell him to jog on.

Give your wee lad a safe space, away from this jerk. Raise him to respect you and all women.

Op you really need to get out of there before you lose your mind.
Even if your partner wanted your son half the week it's not going to be any worse than it is now regarding him poisoning your sons mind. He's doing that anyway in the house.
When men behave like this sometimes it's learned behaviour, what are his own parents like? I mention his parents because your son is going to learn that behaviour and take it out on women when he's older. Your son is going to be damaged living it that environment you have to get out, if not for your sake do it for him.
Let your ds grow up in a peaceful home, he will make his own mind up as soon as he's old enough to understand what his df is and he'll have so much respect for you getting him away.

PS
Record his abuse if you can do it without him finding out.

This is very bad OP and you must look to get out of the relationship, can you start keeping a secret log of all incidents, people on here have lots of knowledge & relevant experience to guide you

It makes me really angry that 50:50 is considered when one parent is abusive.

As horrible a partner as he makes, I think he would make a far more horrible ex.

He would likely run out of steam, you would also be more able to deal with it because you wouldn't be living in his rage fuelled bullshit 24/7.
I'm NOT being flippant, this was exactly the kind of fear I had that kept me there and I won't lie the first 18 months after I left were horrific. It takes a while to gather your strength and start believing you have a right to enforcing boundaries, you absolutely do have the right to feel at peace in your own home.

I had to call the police a couple of times and he even broke a window to get into my house. It was all about control and there is help out there, but if you'd told me that at the time I wouldn't have believed you. I was honestly prepared to stay forever because the fear of the aftermath of leaving was so strong.

My ex did the same. I went to the doctor and declared myself mad. The doctor was very much of the opinion that i was not but that i was stressed due to domestic violence and helped me to leave him. It took a while and the doctor even threatened childrens services involvement if i didn't do something about the situation for the kids. It was the right thing to do and i left and still recieve help and counselling from them.
He continues to be awful and i wont lie the post separation abuse has been horrific. But when im in my own home without him just me and the kids i can breathe and sleep and dont jump out of my skin every 2 minutes. My physical health has improved.. my periods were mess and i had chronic fatigue. You cant live like this and you dont deserve to.