Unhappy/living a lie but scared to leave

[Poppchipps]

I've been married for 20 years and have two young children.
We got married in our early 20s.

Like most people, I've changed massively in those years and I don't really recognise the girl I used to be.
Unfortunately that means that I've also drifted apart from my husband.
We are very very different people, which was bearable when we were in our 20s and out drinking and clubbing every week - he always tagged along with whatever I wanted to do and was the more mature one. I hate to say it, but the boring one. Often sitting looking miserable.

Now that we have children and are in our 40s there is no hiding our differences. We are complete opposites and rarely have any fun together. He seems obsessed by food shopping (it's spoken about constantly) and doing mundane tasks (folding laundry rather than playing with the kids etc).
He very rarely plays with the kids, preferring to sit around.

I am quite 'out there ' and a bit wild and really enjoy going out and having fun.
I feel that if the kids and I have been out and had a great day, when I come home to DH the mood goes downhill because he's so low energy.

I'd never be attracted to him if I met him now. We really have nothing in common. I'm not in love with him anymore and we don't have a sex life.

But I am so scared to put my children through us splitting up.

Not sure what I expect from this thread, but it's a relief to finally be honest.

If there really is no way back you know what the answer is.

You deserve to be happy and your children should be shown healthy relationship models. Yes it will be difficult at first, but you will all recover. Good luck x

I feel sorry for him based on your post.

You sound as though you're desperately clinging to teenage girl status, all zany and out there as you say whilst he is dealing with the realities of family life such as food shopping and cooking.

FWIW I would find someone whose idea of fun to be getting drunk really boring so horses for courses. Sounds as though you have mismatched personalities.

Op, i think you have grown apart from your DH. You are a different person 20 yrs on, as is he. You are still young . Your children will be fine and you can leave, if that is what you want for yourself. Be happy Op, life is short. You and your children's father can still be great co parents.

Or, you can wait until you are in your 50's & 60's, your dc's are grown and the passage of time has taken it's toll and those years for you cannot be recaptured. I left a marriage in my mid 40's, wish i had left in my very early 40's. And by the way, both my children are fine. They were 11 and 15 at the time. I am very personally happy now , as are our children. You can still be a brilliant loving mum, while being a independent woman , free to pursue relationships privately.

I can promise you this, you will never regret ending your marriage, you will bitterly regret it if you don't. Your marriage is already over.

Thank you so much for your replies. And I do know what I have to do.

Waiting for another 20 years and then looking back and being filled with regret terrifies me.
My DH is a good person, we have just grown apart so I feel very very guilty.

I need to find the courage to be completely honest with him about how I feel.

So you've made up your mind in that you want to break up?
I would think about what sort of life you are imagining how it will be better without him from all angles. I would think of housing, finances, childcare and how you envisage the separation to go and then sit him down when the children aren't there and tell him how you feel with kindness and what plans you have practically for the split.

Your children will prefer a happy, thriving mother who enjoys life rather than two parents together who are unhappy.

You've got another 60 years of life left....You don't have to curl up and die a slow death just because he is.

Have you watched I am Maria (with Lesley Manville) on ch 4? You should - it's just one episode. Only to see that you are not alone in outgrowing a partner and wanting more of life as you get older.