Can you have a good relationship without spark

[giffyp]

I’m so confused I was in a relationship with someone for almost 4 years we had amazing chemistry but he was weak, he treated me badly wouldn’t commit and had MH issues so it ended and after feeling broken i began to feel better. I bumped into a guy I knew when we were in our teens we are both 47 now been married to other people and divorced he asked me on a date and I went we had a nice time and I seen depth, strength, compassion, kindness he really is an amazing man (ps I know his family all lovely people) we have since been on a few dates he listens to everything I say and is just so considerate he met my children 13 and 20 and they thought he was really lovely, I can tell that if I wanted the relationship to grow he’d worship me and share his world with us…. A total gentleman totally different to the last one…… the issue is although I love his company I’m not feeling that urge to tear his clothes off like the last one…. I really don’t know if that is a deal breaker or not? Do things outweigh others? Can that grow?

Yes I think it can grow and yes I think it’s worth giving it a chance to do so

Maybe you’re just in shock at finding a nice one lol.

I’m in such a bad place the ex that wouldn’t commit has come back begging me to move in, or go and get engaged tomorrow I don’t know if I’m coming or going anymore 😭😭

Sorry to be blunt but if it turns out they are great in the sack that desire to rip their clothes off will totally appear. If not they will just remain “meh”. Test drive?

Do you fancy him? Does he turn you on? Do you enjoy sex with him?


You don’t need to want to rip his clothes off every time you see him, which isn’t sustainable, but a couple of months in (well, any length of time in!) there does need to be some level of sexual attraction and chemistry. “Depth, strength, compassion, kindness… an amazing man” is great - but it’s also how I’d describe my brother; and I’d be pretty hurt and disappointed if those were the only descriptive terms a new boyfriend could find for me.

How would you feel in reverse if you found out he was telling others that you were kind, considerate and he loved your company but didn’t especially fancy you? Would you want to continue the relationship?


By all means give it some time to see whether chemistry develops; but don’t settle for a nice, kind man just because he’s a breath of fresh air after a history of poor relationships and you don’t believe that you’ll find anyone as nice as he is who you also desperately fancy and desire. You can have both.