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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Well, I was confused, then happy and now I am bloody livid!

27 replies

MesaLoca · 01/02/2008 19:28

Found out last week that DP was going to propose. This was a complete surprise as we are so happy as we are and we have religious differences so have always thought that a wedding would be a bit of a minefield.

After much thought though I had come round to the idea and had started thinking up all these lovely soft-focus kind of romantic scenarios of a wedding and was really looking forward to it.

He proposed and I said yes and all was lovely . He said he was happy to have a civil wedding (he is a catholic but does not believe in any of it and I am an Atheist, his family are vigorous Catholics).

However, the last few days I have had the following comments from him:

"We are not getting married in a hotel it wont seem proper."

"It will have to be a small wedding, I don't want my extended family all there, they wont like it anyway"

"Is it really illegal to have religious readings or songs at a civil wedding? Hmmm, I am not sure that will seem right"

"Will it feel like a real wedding I wonder?"

"My mum and dad aren't very enthusiastic are they"

"Do you think it will feel a bit Micky Mouse?"

So I told him tonight that i am not happy with these comments and they are hurting me and I wonder why he had bothered asking me to marry him if he hadn't thought through the actual wedding. He said he had only thought about the being married bit, and had thought it best not to think too much about how we would actually marry

So what do i do? I can't get married in a Catholic church, I would be so embarassed telling everyone the engagement is off, I desperately don't want to pay for a wedding that he is not happy with as we are not rolling in free cash... so I guess it will have to be the world's longest engagement and I will have to think up excuses when people ask

Am I being a selfish cow for feeling like this?

OP posts:

sophiewd · 01/02/2008 19:33

We are a very catholic family and I couldn't get married in church as my DH has been divorced (although protestant) we had a lovely civil service in a very special place. When we got married you couldn't have readings in with any religious conotations but that hs changed now. I also have the problem of a big extended family and just had Aunts/Uncles, brothers/sisters nieces and nephews and close friends to the service. We then had a reception and a big meal in the evening for others and cousins and had a great time. Yes my family were disapointed that it wasn't going to be a church wedding, but my parents still cried and enjoyed themselves.

Minum · 01/02/2008 19:35

The service/ceremony is not what matters, its being married. Keep it as simple and small as possible, its crazy to get stressed about the ceremony, when the real thing is the life you are going to share afterwards.

Dropdeadfred · 01/02/2008 19:35

I am getting married in a civil ceremony this year and you are still definitely not allowed any mention of anything religious in the readings or vows.

monkeytrousers · 01/02/2008 19:36

Well both of you are getting married so both will have to make compromises - you included.

clam · 01/02/2008 19:37

Well, isn't it good that he's thinking about the 'being married' rather than the 'getting married?' Obviously 'how' you do it is something that has to be resolved, but there will be a solution to that if you both focus hard on what you both want (i.e. you two, not his family).

TotalChaos · 01/02/2008 19:38

calm down and discuss this, so you find a format that you are both happy with for the ceremony.

clur79 · 01/02/2008 19:38

I am going through a similar thing. I am a Catholic and my DP is an Atheist. He refused to get married in a church, and this did upset me as I couldn't imagine getting married in a hotel.

We have come to a comprimise and are getting married in Knebworth house, which is stunning.

I was so happy to get engaged and then had a real stress when I realised about the actual wedding. We had a good chat and think we have sorted most things out.

My family are happy that we are getting married, so are not too fussed about the church as we have been living in sin for sooooo long!!!!

WowOoo · 01/02/2008 19:38

We ahd a civil wedding and then a kind of blessing thing weeks later in a church...for DH's family really.
Thought of just going away, just the family and tying the not in private? Then, have a big party?

TheFallenMadonna · 01/02/2008 19:40

Well, yes. I agree with clam. He wants to be married. The wedding isn't the main issue - although admittedly it doesn't always seem like that after the question is popped .

yummylittlelapin · 01/02/2008 19:40

I was going to say "the service doesn't matter, it's the marriage that counts", but do you thinks he feels the need for a religious affirmation of his vows? Even though he is a lapsed Catholic?

Lucy10 · 01/02/2008 19:53

I think if you want to get married in a catholic church you will need to have been christened catholic, had your first communion and confirmation.

TheFallenMadonna · 01/02/2008 19:54

Only one of you has to be Catholic.

TheFallenMadonna · 01/02/2008 19:54

So you can't get out of it that way

Lucy10 · 01/02/2008 19:56

maybe it's just in Ireland then as my sister was confirmed at 27 so she could get married in a catholic church and her fiance already was. Sorry, not very helpful!

potoroo · 01/02/2008 19:59

You don't need to be christened Catholic to get married in a Catholic church - you used to, but not any more.

We had a civil wedding then a convalidation - which is sort of like an official Catholic blessing.

If you decide to get married in a Catholic church, you as an atheist do not have to promise to be Catholic etc, but your DH may need to say he will bring up the children Catholic.

teakettle · 01/02/2008 20:00

If only one of you is Catholic you need permission from the Bishop. I don't think that the Catholic church has different rules for different countries (authority of Rome etc.)

TheFallenMadonna · 01/02/2008 20:01

Don't remember having to get any special permission TBH. But yes, catholic children.

SpookyMadMummy · 01/02/2008 20:02

I am a non Catholic I got married in the Catholic church to my Catholic Dh.

the Vicar (?) was happy to marry us, however it was a standard service as opposed to a Nuptial Mass.

teakettle · 01/02/2008 20:04

but if he no longer considers himself to be Catholic, does he just want to be married in church do please his family or does he have enough faith to need a Catholic wedding? I had a civil wedding as my family and dh are atheist but later (years an children later) had our maraige blessed in church very privatly. I didn't really feel married until then.

yummylittlelapin · 01/02/2008 20:04

We had a nuptial mass, I am atheist, but christened CofE, which was all I needed to prove. Oh, and I had to sign a form saying that DCs would be raised Catholic (but I am fine with that anyway). We didn't have to get any further permissions, but then we were married by 2 bishops so they may have smoothed the way

Twiglett · 01/02/2008 20:08

Right DH and I are different faiths, both atheists

We got married in Florence .. highly recommend it .. had 30 people come out .. far cheaper than a UK wedding .. felt like a real wedding ..

pomp, relaxation, delish food

Original poster

MesaLoca · 01/02/2008 20:16

Thank you for all your replies. The daft thing is, he doesn't want to get married in a Catholic church, but he was raised very strictly, so is still ingrained with the belief that you get married in a church, with a priest and all that and anything else just doesn't seem right. I am sympathetic with this, always have been and have been happy to remain unmarried as we have talked about all of these issues many times. We have been told that the Bishop would not grant permission for us to marry in his family's church as DP doesn't go to church and we have not had our daughter baptised (and will not be doing so). We have known this for ages.

I am not sure that any type of wedding would be the right one for him, I just wish he had thought about that before proposing and announcing to the world that we are going to get married next year.

If we called it off then I think it would feel like our relationship has gone a bit wrong

OP posts:

Original poster

MesaLoca · 01/02/2008 20:17

Twiglett that might be helpful. Thank you

OP posts:

Twiglett · 01/02/2008 20:20

no no

deep breath

what is a wedding?

it is a ceremony to join you both together

look through the weddingsabroad site for different places

now if you're like me you want a bit of circumstance and tradition (we were married by the mayor of florence in a gorgeous ceremonial suit with red sash)

we got to say "I do" .. no really "I do" .. rather than "I will" which are the real words aren't they

I wore a long white wedding gown .. my family were there, some of DH's family came over from Ireland

we had limousine, flowers, photographer

fabulous lunch that went on all afternoon .. 6 courses with flowing wine

great nightlife to go on to

different from a beach wedding

many other locations offer similar gravitas

yummylittlelapin · 01/02/2008 20:50

Where's that thread we had about "Where did you get married?"

Here you are - loads of inspiration

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