Alcoholism and relationships

[Janeale]

I’ve been friends with someone for 4 years now. We’re both attracted to each other, and understand each other. But he doesn’t want a relationship. He has been divorced 15 years and has lived a bachelor lifestyle pretty much set in his ways (work, pub, football). We do enjoy each other’s company, but there are times when he drinks too much and he becomes arrogant which is hurtful. I have had to put him in a taxi once, he was unable to take public transport and rather than say thanks, his first comment was “you’re not coming over to mine”. I ignored his comment, put him in a taxi and took the train home. He has been over to my house for my birthday with friends and we occasionally meet to catch up over a coffee or a drink, there’s nothing formally planned. Recently, we were invited to the same after work drinks, we chatted with colleagues. I may have been tactile with another friend, who I hadn’t seen ages, so hugged a few times. It was quite late, we ended up at another wine bar, just the two of us and that’s when he let it rip: got a telling off about throwing myself at someone, that it was inappropriate behaviour, followed by “I don’t want a relationship”. I already know this, so why was he telling me this again? He asked if we were still friends, if things were good between us as I had stepped back from our friendship because of his arrogant behaviour. My silence made him even more mean, saying that he could have anyone he wanted, followed by a backhanded compliment that the only people who really understood him was his ex-wife and me. He said that I needed to get him a taxi, which I did. In getting the taxi, he stumbled and hit his head, injuring himself in the process. There was literally blood on my hands, trying to clean the cut to his head and trying to help him up. The whole scenario reminded me of what I did for my grandfather, I was always there helping him after he had a fall when he was drunk, even though he was hurling abuse at me. There are so many red flags, I know I should just walk away, but I don’t want to see my friend destroy himself with his functional alcoholism. I don’t want to rescue or fix him, he needs professional help, but not sure how to broach this with him.

He won't stop until drinking becomes so much worse than staying sober. To reach that point, it can take different levels of destruction. Some stop at health going to pot, some stop at children removed and some stop at relationship breakdowns. Some still drink even when they lose everything, in fact you might say at that point what is there left to say sober for?
Anyway, You can lead the horse to water but can't make him drink. You can suggest he gets professional help as you're worried for his drinking. He can find all the resources if he was serious about stopping.
You can only control what you do and who you choose to spend your time with. Focus on yourself and what you can do for yourself.

The whole jealousy and don't want a relationship is drunk nonsense but some people, men in particular, can be territorial and possessive of 'their' women. It doesn't mean true love. I would focus on his words when he is sober and I would reduce contact with him to only when he isn't so drunk. I don't think he is a good mate to go drinking with as he has no off switch and you end up looking after him rather than having a fun night.

What sort of a childhood did you have, it may well be you’ve been robbed of it.
Where were your parents here?

Why is it you were apparently responsible for cleaning up your grandfather, himself an alcoholic?. Why was that ever your job as a child?. It was never your job at all but you made it so and present day it’s become your job now with this alcoholic. It’s all so very familiar to you this rescuing and or trying to save. Being a rescuer or saviour in a relationship never works. It did not work with grandad and it won’t work with this man.

You are on a hiding to nothing with this man and history indeed has a nasty habit of repeating itself. He has toId you he does not want a relationship yet here you are cleaning up his blood after he’s injured himself because of drink. It is not your job or choice here to say he needs professional help. Only he can make that decision and with people around like you propping him up you could be delaying his recovery. You are not helping him and all you are doing is giving your own self a false sense of control. There are no guarantees here when it comes to alcoholism. He could go onto lose everything and everyone around him and he could still choose to drink afterwards.

For your part you need therapy asap to break this destructive-cycle that started in childhood as well as attending Coda meetings. Do read Codependent no more by Melodie Beattie

Stop. You're being treated like absolute crap and going back for more.

You're not friends. He's not your responsibility.

You're reenacting something from your childhood, and you need help with that, not trying to "fix" this guy. You can't undo the past with a new alcoholic.

Go to therapy, talk about co-dependence, stop trying to "save" this unpleasant man, who doesn't even want to be saved. The first step for an alcoholic is to want to change, and he's nowhere near that. Sort yourself out instead.

You understand me = You let me treat you badly and walk all over me.

You cannot stop him drinking. If anything, it’s quite arrogant of you to think you can. He clearly doesn’t want your help, isn’t interested in you as anything other than a verbal punchbag, and appears to keep you around to facilitate his drinking and pour him into taxis. Step away from this one. He is not going to stop drinking, he is not going to fall madly in love with you, and he is not going to start being a decent human being.

It is not a kindness to protect an alcoholic from the consequences of their drinking, you can kill an alcoholic with kindness.

You know you should walk away so do it and leave the drama behind. He is not your problem to fix and he treats you like shit.

The best way to do is walk away. Though as a friend, it will kill you inside cos your conscience eating you out but your friend is definitely will not change unless something important is no longer in his life. You were treated badly anyway. I hope he realized what he had done to you. His alcoholism should be treated. I think it's his mechanism to protect himself from falling inlove with you (I know it's cliche but it seems to me).

Alcoholic or not, he is very conceited and arrogant and treating you badly.

I read it somewhere here about hacking drinking habits you might find it helpful https://www.ndsbs.com/blog/hacking-your-drinking-6-practical-ways-help-you-cut-back-now I think there's really something about his mental health... He might be depressed and he should seek help from a professional. Wish you all the best!

Thanks for views everyone, which has given me a lot to think about. I haven't spoken to him since that episode. We were at another work do and I felt a sense of relief when he left early. I was able to enjoy myself. As a friend, I don't want him to lose his job over his drinking. I know his confidence has been knocked over the past year career wise which has resulted in him drinking more and not showing up for work the next day. I don't want to be in a relationship with him. I've since moved on, but I do enjoy his company (when he is sober) and we have been friends for some time now and although it pains me to walk away, walk away I must.

I don’t want to rescue or fix him, he needs professional help, but not sure how to broach this with him

By feeling you should broach it, you are attempting to rescue or fix him. Recognise your own behaviour here, and the potential damage it could do to you. This is about you, not him.

Who did you have to take care of when you were growing up? Your grandfather, clearly, but was it just him? What was your relationship like with your parents? I'm thinking that they either weren't there, or that they weren't being very responsible for you if you were cleaning up after one of their parents and they weren't stepping in.

As a friend, I don't want him to lose his job over his drinking. I know his confidence has been knocked over the past year career wise which has resulted in him drinking more and not showing up for work the next day.

Whatever he tells you I suspect that his drinking is causing his work problems rather than work problems leading to drinking.

Losing jobs is what happens to alcoholics who do not want to address their problems. Maybe being sacked is a necessary wake up call.

For some people it takes the loss of jobs, families, homes, mental health and even liberty before they face the fact that drink is ruining their life. Some people never reach that realisation and they die. It's a shitty disease but you cannot fix it.

Not many people would put up with this sort of tedious behaviour from a friend, looking after him, putting up with his alcohol fueled ramblings and accusations, not to mention the creation of grey areas where he keeps warning you off from wanting more from him (do you?) then throwing you a few crumbs.
I think your feelings for him are unclear and he's a bit of a mess. If I were you I'd cool this friendship. He will drag you down.