Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

At the end of my tether....

27 replies

asofttouch · 11/12/2022 20:23

My husband...... is a 41-year-old child and I hate him.

Our 8-year-old is actually better behaved.

He is a heavy drinker and drinking is the main root of the problems we have.

He drinks a 10-pack of Carling within a few hours, to me, 10 cans of beer should last at least a night and maybe some left over for the next night?

I am not a drinker, I am almost tea total because I do not see the point in alcohol. Never have, never will.

Anyway, my reason for my post.

2 hours after we got home from shopping he had nearly finished his 10 pack and asked me to go out and get 4 more cans. I said no.

Its cold, icey and we have left over snow all over our estate and I didn't fancy driving down to the shops. I told him to walk himself. He got all huffy and explained how it would be much quicker for me to drive, plus he would get cold walking.

Then the pleases started. Please, Please, Please.......to the point our 8 year old turn to me and said, can you just go mummy to keep him quiet (we were trying to watch a film). Realising our little one was getting upset I gave in and went.

14 cans drank in total and at 6.30pm he went to bed. He wanted me and our son to go to bed at the same time too (because he can not go alone) - stood my ground on this and said no I want to watch Strictly (Thankyou football!). He sulked but took himself off to bed.

See, I have a 41 year old child.

This happens about 2-3 times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. The drinking is just one of our problems, we have many but 14 cans is alot isnt it?

OP posts:
LaLuz7 · 11/12/2022 20:26

It's very very damaging to a kid to grow up around a addict patent. You husband is an alcoholic.

I would issue an ultimatum. Give up drinking completely or you divorce him.

Cherrysherbet · 11/12/2022 20:27

Yep that’s a hell of a lot.

He shouldn’t be treating you like that, but you know that already.

I feel for you.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/12/2022 20:29

Leave. Leave. Leave. Your child is living in a home with an alcoholic, that’s so incredibly damaging. At 8 years old he’s learning to pander to an addict to ease the obvious tension in his family.

Whatever reasons you currently have for staying you need to work around them and protect your child from further damage.

It’s one thing to choose to tolerate this for yourself but you’re enabling this to affect a child. Not okay.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/12/2022 20:29

Your child's entire life will be damaged because you are choosing to stay with, and enable, an alcoholic. You must leave him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/12/2022 20:32

Why are you and he still together?. What are you still getting out of this relationship?. You are likely to be codependent and this state is doing you no favours at all. Apart from that you’re enabling this alcoholic and that is only giving you a false sense of control.

This sounds miserable for you and the effects all this dysfunctional relationship is having on your 8 year old is incalculable. He is the one I feel the most for in all this, the two adults in his life are letting him down. Is this really the role model of a relationship you want to be showing him?

You have a choice re this man and your child does not. What is he going to remember primarily about his childhood..

Would you say your husband is an alcoholic?. What is your definition of an alcoholic?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/12/2022 20:35

What has and or is actively preventing you from leaving this man?. Do not stay with him for the supposed sake of your son because he will not say “thanks mum” to you for doing so.

magicscares · 11/12/2022 20:37

His behaviour sounds insufferable.
unless he’s got some major redeeming features & is committed to quitting alcohol & sticking with AA, I’d say leave. There is much more to life than this. Issue would be joint custody of your DC which I get is so complex with a man child.

magicscares · 11/12/2022 20:39

Al Anon meetings are for families & friends of alcoholics. It’s worth going to meeting as soon as you can x

Zanatdy · 11/12/2022 20:40

I’d be giving him an ultimatum. He stops drinking. Or you go. Don’t let your child grow up like this

Jellycatspyjamas · 11/12/2022 20:42

That’s over the weekly maximum recommended alcohol intake for a man, in one day. That’s a huge amount of alcohol for anyone to be drinking regularly - how often is he drinking 10 cans? That level of drinking will affect his mood, his health, your finances and could have legal consequences if he drives the next morning cos it’s not likely to be out of his system.

Does he recognise his drinking is problematic? If he won’t see it and take active steps to stop, I’d be planing to leave I’m afraid. Your child is already impacted by seeing his dad beg you to go out and get more alcohol for him, and it’s clearly impacting you. No matter what else is going on for better or worse, the drinking alone would end things for me.

Natty13 · 11/12/2022 20:44

It's absolutely disgusting that you're letting your child grow up in this. I'm stunned that your post is about you and how you feel. You're an adult with adult cooing abilities. Why did you have kids if you aren't going to protect them?

Look up Adult Children of Alcoholics and see what damage you are setting your child up to. 50% of the time in a normal healthy home is infinitely better than 100% in this toxic mess.

Googlecanthelpme · 11/12/2022 20:51

You don’t have a 41 year old child, you have an alcoholic husband.

you need to accept that first, because it doesn’t sound from your OP that you understand he is an addict?

IToldYouAmillionTimesAlready · 11/12/2022 20:54

Your husband is an alcoholic. You can either try to persuade him to get help (I doubt he will, he doesn't think he's got a problem), or you could put up with it and accept that your husband isn't what he should be (a decent partner/husband/father) OR leave him/get him out.

I know which one I'd choose.

Namele · 11/12/2022 21:05

This will not get better, it will however get worse. Your husband is an alcoholic and the alcohol will always win. Unless he's prepared to get the help he needs to stop drinking, you only have one option and that is leave. Actually I would suggest that you leave regardless to give your little boy a chance of a normal alcohol free life.
I was you. My children are younger but even the little one remembers some bits. Thankfully not all of them. I've finally managed to leave him earlier this year and I cannot tell you how much better our lives are. The kids notice too. Yes they struggle with not being able to have daddy at home but they can see that we have a much happier home life. They don't have to watch their dad spending the weekend lying on the sofa either drinking or recovering from a hangover. Thankfully their dad manages to not drink when he has the children now so they actually have a much better relationship with him. I really hope it stays that way.
By you staying, you are enabling him because you'll always be there to pick up the pieces. You can't control his drinking but you can stop enabling him and you can give yourself and your son the life you both deserve.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/12/2022 21:06

It's fucking tragic that your 8 year old child had to ask you to get his father more alcohol so that there could be some peace in the house. Do you really not understand how fucked up and totally dysfunctional this is? Your poor son, he doesn't stand a chance growing up in this disaster.

pocketvenuss · 11/12/2022 21:18

Good God. Another thread where I'm so grateful I gave the dh I have.

gaf · 11/12/2022 21:25

You know your child is going to see this as normal, right? And will grow up doing the same.

TheOinkySplit · 11/12/2022 21:26

As you've said you don't drink much, and might be slightly naive OP, yes, 14 cans of lager three times a week is realy, really bad.

GiantWotsit · 11/12/2022 22:04

Hi op. I was brought up in an environment like this and aged 44 I remain in therapy still dealing with the aftermath. And that's with my mum having left my dad when I was a young teen. Hearing about your son trying to broker the peace is really very sad. He's already learned through observing you how to molify his alcoholic father. Aged 8. I can guess he's seen that scene play out time and time again. The great thing here is that you hold the power to get him away from this. Use your strength to do it for him. You won't look back FlowersFlowers

Regularsizedrudy · 11/12/2022 22:07

That is an insane amount of booze. If my DH was having a boozy night he would have maybe 4 can and he would be very drunk. And that would not be a regular thing.

MamaFirst · 11/12/2022 22:11

No it's not normal, your husband is an alcoholic. I cant see that improving very quickly if at all, I would leave with your child. I'm sorry.

Justcallmebebes · 11/12/2022 23:11

Have you thought for one minute of the damage this is doing to your poor son? Your husband is an alcoholic and you're enabling him which makes you complicit.

Please look into Al anon

Beachsidesunset · 11/12/2022 23:15

I could weep for your child. His chance of happiness in life is diminishing due to the behaviour of both his parents. Get it sorted, OP. Fast.

Chuntypops · 11/12/2022 23:16

OP, are you the child of an alcoholic? I think you probably are, because you have normalised this to a totally dysfunctional level.

He is absolutely 100% an alcoholic AND a bully. And you’re letting your child think all this is ok.

Chuntypops · 11/12/2022 23:18

But I think you know this. And that’s why you call him a “child” but he isn’t. He’s an addict.

And I also think you won’t come back to this thread because it’s too hard to deal with.

How do you think this ends, OP? Play the film of this relationship, to the end. What happens?