Husband and separate finances. Feels unfair

[flono]

Bit of a long one and don’t know if I’m worrying about nothing.
Throughout mine and my partners relationship we’ve always just had our own money and it’s kept separate. We are married and have kids. I earn very little whilst my partner does quite well. The bills get paid through his account and I send £20 a week to go towards these bills. I realise this isn’t a lot but it’s relative to how much I earn.

A lot of the time I struggle to buy petrol and small shops of food or things for the kids. I pay for my own phone bill and car insurance. He pays for the main food shop but I ask for it when I go food shopping and it always makes me feel awkward. Never has he denied money in any way and if I’m struggling he will help me out but I will always pay it back.

He spends money quite a lot on labelled clothes/ buys lunch everyday and has an expensive car which is paid for monthly.

The car started the issues. It wasn’t discussed with me which I understand it’s his money but this has now put a strain on his finances now bills are more.

I’m really frugal with money because I never have much in my account and all his spending is starting to not sit right with me.
I’m looking for a job that would pay more but I still want it to work around the kids for childcare reasons so options and pay are limited. I’ve given up hobbies that I enjoyed this year to help my finances.

I don’t know what I’m trying to say really but I have all sorts of negative feelings and I’m always worrying about money.

It would be nice if the finances were our finances and we could discuss things and make decisions together and it would be a lot less degrading if I didn’t have to ask for money to buy food for our family.
Every time I bring up money the conversation doesn’t go anywhere.

Any advice welcome 🤷‍♀️

Not everyone thinks that when you are married that money is family money. So, people should stop saying that as if it is some universal truth that is carved on the tablets that Moses brought down from the mountain.

Couples make their own financial arrangements. What is the reality for them is what they have agreed upon as a couple to be the plan and practice in their household.

What your husband or my husband would do is not some universal best practice or universal truth.

If one partner contributes his or her agreed upon amount, it is unfair of the other partner to resent the fact that the partner has more discretionary income.

Your spouse or partner did not make your career choices nor decide how much planning and preparation you made as you entered the workforce.

If one party is always falling short, they should look to self to resolve the situation rather than looking to the partner for subsidies. What would happen if your spouse were to become very ill or suddenly die? How would you support and provide for your children? There would be no there to provide the resources that he currently provides nor would there be anyone to top up your shortfall.

This is not meant to be an unkind statement but just a reminder that as a functioning adult, it is your responsibility to manage your resources and to live within your means, particularly if your spouse is managing to live within his means.

If you think that you would have a better lifestyle without his contributions, then you should consider separating. Your lifestyle would then be dependent solely upon your money management skills and you would not have to feel demeaned by having to ask or rely upon the whims or policies of anyone else.

Many will respond by telling you what their husbands would do, but your reality is what you and your husband agreed to do.

But it is 'their money's, if you get married you are literally entering a legal contract to share finances! And if one party has (by agreement) sacrificed earnings to look after joint children, then it would seem odd to not have any financial recognition for that

Some people don’t give a F about their marriage vows. That’s why marriages fail. More people get divorced because they can’t agree about finances than due to infidelity.

It feels unfair because it is incredibly unfair (and a really really bad decision on your part!) to have separate finances when you're the one taking a huge hit to your own financial security for the sake of your family. If you want to stay in this relationship (and you really shouldn't because these are not the actions of someone who actually has your back) then you'd be extremely foolish not to go back to work full time and you should expect your husband to pick up 50% of the burden of all the unpaid work that you no doubt do.

It is hard to see how the husband is not doing his share when he pays all of the household bills with the exception of the 20 a week that the OP provides. What if the husband were to say "ok, I will limit my contribution to 20 a week at home and will live on $200 a month ? He might also say "lets reverse roles , and I will work part time and manage house and home and you can work full-time and cover all expenses." He might gladly give $100 monthly towards expenses. Could the OP provide for the family in the same way?

It is incorrect to say to her that marriage creates a legal obligation that makes his or her earned income ,"family money." That is simply not true. The law and courts do not speak or address how families manage resources within a marriage . Courts only address family income during a separation or divorce.

Why is there such a rush to embrace a position that women should not be capable of providing adequate self and family support? Why is that not considered financial abuse of spouse and children?

That sounds like my marriage was...Get out now before he gets into debt and with your name on as a joint debtor.