Should i break up with him

[Captnip500]

Sorry this is going to be long.

I have been seeing my boyfriend for over 3 years, it’s quite long distance (about an hour and a half drive). It’s been a weird 3 years to say the least. Both of my parents have passed away in that time, covid came along which meant we didn’t see each other for months, my whole life has been turned upside down when I lost my mum, who I had been caring for full time for around 5 years. I have been grieving and have now returned to full time work after all of those years out caring. I have inherited my childhood home from my mum.

The thing is when I met him, my life was so different. I knew living with a partner was out of the question as I had my mum to think of, I had very limited time to spend with him (which he was very understanding of) but I loved going over and seeing him, it was my time out from my very heavy caring role.

But now, things are so different and I just don’t know if we want the same things in the future. I feel very lonely living alone, i am nearly 40, and I want to find someone to share my life with. I don’t have kids ( I don’t want them now and neither does he) I don’t have any immediate family anymore. As things stand I see him every other weekend and some annual leave days.

I asked him today if he would
consider living with me and he said ‘ye probably one day’ when I pushed a bit more
he said he can’t see himself living in my house or home town and that his whole career and family are in his home town, so he wants to stay there. When I told him I wasn’t happy with it as it stood and felt very lonely he had a very nonchalant ‘let’s see what happens’ vibe.

I just can’t see what can be done here. I don’t want to leave my family home, and it
needs a lot of work doing on it even if I did, he doesn’t want to move closer or
love in with me. I think he is quite content to leave things as they are but it’s just not enough for me. I want a life partner not part
time boyfriend. But at the same time, I love him, and I cant bare the thought of starting again on line dating. It feels unfair too as when we first got together It suited me and
my situation But juts doesn’t anymore.

Just to add, he is a very laid back guy in general, his attitude to most things is ‘wait and see if it works itself out’. I am
more anxious and need a plan when it comes to the big things.

I had a few thoughts reading your post.

I wondered if how you’re feeling can be ‘fixed’ by a physically closer romantic relationship… it reads like you have had a lot of loss in your life, this feeling could be more about the loss than wanting him closer. If it is, him moving in may not ‘fix’ this feeling.

I also wondered why you wouldn’t move to him, I appreciate you’ve covered this in your post however if this is someone you really want to be with maybe you would overcome the selling/renting out your home bit… if you’re both not willing to move, maybe you’re not that in love with each other (it’s more just convenient and you get on quite well… which isn’t a bad thing! but also, it does sound like you’re probably not the love of each other’s lives)

Life Ganges, and yours has changed significantly in the past few years so it’s reasonable that what suited you then might not suit you now. It sounds like he was happy with your relationship in the way you describe and hasn’t considered you might want something different now.

In terms of being lonely, what do you do in your time away from him? I’m guessing your caring responsibilities didn’t leave much time for friends and socialising - I wonder if you’re trying to fill the gaps left by your mum?

Its not unreasonable for you to want more from your relationship but you may need to give him time to consider what he wants now the landscape has changed. Where you live isn’t insurmountable if you do want something more full time - keep talking about what you both want from your relationship and in the meantime look for opportunities to meet friends and fill your time.

You have been through a lot and I think you need to take some time away from this man, and think through what you genuinely want out of life.

Condolences.

Dippydonky, I always wanted a life partner, before I started caring I had a serious boyfriend for many year who I thought I would be with for my whole life, but that’s another story, I juts out that part of my life on hold while I was caring and my ex partner left me anyway (that’s another story). But I do think it’s possible that I am clinging to the idea of a closer romantic relationship because I miss my mum.

I just can’t imagine moving out of this house that I grew up in right now. It’s not completely off the agender forever but I can’t face it now. I agree that maybe we don’t feel strongly enough about each other but I do love him.

I think that, regardless of details, if you're posting a thread with that title, you should leave, yes. Nobody in a healthy relationship would post a thread like that, and you're asking us and not him, which suggests communication issues, which are fatal to the relationship when dealing with that question.

@Jellycatspyjamas whilst I was caring, I had no time to socialise and make friends, I drifted away from nearly everyone. I had to move back home to my home town after years away and it turned my life upside down. Also I am an introvert and find making friends pretty difficult and exhausting.

In my spare time away from him, I go to work, look after my two cats, sometimes see family and lounge about at home. I know that’s not enough but I never really have the energy for anything else. Starting full time work again and sorting out my mums estate has been exhausting for me.

He is a great guy and I love so much about him and find him attractive but I just don’t know if I can see a future here and that scares me. He also hates talking about serious things (so do I) so it’s tough.

@Watchkeys we did have a conversational about it today. Not really about breaking up but about the future. It was like getting blood out of a stone with him though, he just thought everything will ‘work out fine’. I am Not so sure.

It sounds like you're fundamentally different. Does it affect everyday life? Can you go to Sainsburys together harmoniously? Or do you have to stick to a list whilst he's wandering about plonking whatevers in the trolley? Can you go out for an evening together harmoniously, or do you need to know where you're going, whilst he wants a random 'see where we end up' pub crawl?

I just can’t imagine moving out of this house that I grew up in right now. It’s not completely off the agender forever but I can’t face it now. I agree that maybe we don’t feel strongly enough about each other but I do love him.

You’ve not long lost your mum, give yourself some time to grieve and recover. I’m guessing you don’t even know who you are now after caring for so long. I really understand the desire to know where your relationship stands and to plan out some kind of future after life being on hold for so long but making big decisions on the back of such a significant loss isn’t ideal.

I wonder if counselling might give you space to grieve and to really unpick who you are now and what life might look like for you.

@Watchkeys We certainly can go to sainsburys together harmoniously, we can also cook dinner together, have an evening out together, watch films and get drunk on the sofa together. We get along well the majority of the time. I can’t say we have never had a a disagreement or a cross word but it’s not often.

@Jellycatspyjamas you are right, I don’t know who I am now. It’s like part of me
died with my mum. To be fair, my boyfriend was a tower of strength at that time. I don’t know how I would have got through it without him.

I did have bereavement counselling for 6 weeks after my mum passed and it really helped. I could do with some more but the waiting list is probably long.