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Original poster

Husband and porn/nudes

11 replies

MrsdSmith · 11/12/2022 19:00

I told my husband from the start how I feel about porn in my marriage he claims he doesn't do it but I found it on his phone sooomany times I was attacked as a teen and this man tried raping me luckily I got away (but not before he touched me in places) either way my husband knows this and knows how anxious I am now.) I told him no lies in the marriage if u look at porn be honest about it.

Long story short he lied and continues to lie so clearly he doesn't care about my feelings now I'm just left feeling unloved and unattractive. Been together nearly 17 years and have 6 kids together but I don't want to tear the family apart but I feel as though I deserve better

Any advice/similar stories ladies

OP posts:
PraiseTheSunshine · 11/12/2022 21:50

Some people don't mind if their partner watches porn and for others it's a deal breaker, if you've said that this is a line for you and he continues to cross that line then what would you like to happen?

I understand that you don't want to end your marriage but if he doesn't respect your boundaries and repeatedly breaks your trust then it's hard to give any advice other than for you to walk away.

Maybe some relationship counselling would help you to both openly communicate and for him to see things from your perspective. Other than that, my only advice would be to sit down with him and have an open and honest conversation and say that if it happens again that you'll end the relationship but that really depends on how much of a deal breaker this is for you and whether you would walk away because of this.

Mugwumper · 22/12/2022 01:24

MrsdSmith · 11/12/2022 19:00

I told my husband from the start how I feel about porn in my marriage he claims he doesn't do it but I found it on his phone sooomany times I was attacked as a teen and this man tried raping me luckily I got away (but not before he touched me in places) either way my husband knows this and knows how anxious I am now.) I told him no lies in the marriage if u look at porn be honest about it.

Long story short he lied and continues to lie so clearly he doesn't care about my feelings now I'm just left feeling unloved and unattractive. Been together nearly 17 years and have 6 kids together but I don't want to tear the family apart but I feel as though I deserve better

Any advice/similar stories ladies

Firstly, I’m very sorry to hear how you were attacked, that must have been very scary and upsetting.

However, your DH is not a potential rapist for watching porn. Many men and women do so just as a visual turn on.

He doesn’t want to tell you he watches porn as he is probably worried it will cause a massive argument.

IMHO, women who essentially ban their men from porn are being unreasonable.

Happyhappy39soon40 · 22/12/2022 01:41

Mugwumper · 22/12/2022 01:24

Firstly, I’m very sorry to hear how you were attacked, that must have been very scary and upsetting.

However, your DH is not a potential rapist for watching porn. Many men and women do so just as a visual turn on.

He doesn’t want to tell you he watches porn as he is probably worried it will cause a massive argument.

IMHO, women who essentially ban their men from porn are being unreasonable.

Show quote history

I agree with your comment.

Just to add my two cents (maybe I am wrong).

  1. What about his feelings and his boundaries?

He probably doesn't tell you because he doesn't want to upset you. Try and find a middle ground.

MMmomDD · 22/12/2022 01:55

I am guessing there is a lot more going on than his looking at nude pictures that is making you unhappy.
You have 6 kids. Even without your anxiety about what his does on his phone, it must not be easy to have time for you two as a couple.
Feeling loved and desired (for both of you) needs both of you to dedicate time to your ‘adult’ relationship, that is separate to your ‘parenting’ relationship. And I am sure this hasn’t been easy or even possible during a large part of your marriage.

I am sorry about your sexual assault. It seems that you haven’t really dealt / healed over what happened. However - your H isn’t the one who hurt you, and it’s not really fair to bring this into this situation. Do you think you can try to access some counselling for it now?

Generally - I think you need to have some couples counselling to work on your relationship. And I am guessing you both would need to make more effort to resurrect it. I don’t think it an issue about nudes on his phone. I am guessing it’s more about lack of intimacy and connection in your relationship.
I think you owe it to your kids.
You two have decided to bring a lot of children to this world. And you need to raise these children together.

stevalnamechanger · 22/12/2022 02:03

PraiseTheSunshine · 11/12/2022 21:50

Some people don't mind if their partner watches porn and for others it's a deal breaker, if you've said that this is a line for you and he continues to cross that line then what would you like to happen?

I understand that you don't want to end your marriage but if he doesn't respect your boundaries and repeatedly breaks your trust then it's hard to give any advice other than for you to walk away.

Maybe some relationship counselling would help you to both openly communicate and for him to see things from your perspective. Other than that, my only advice would be to sit down with him and have an open and honest conversation and say that if it happens again that you'll end the relationship but that really depends on how much of a deal breaker this is for you and whether you would walk away because of this.

Totally agree .

Anothernick · 22/12/2022 17:29

You shouldn't set out red lines if you dont intend to do anything if your DP crosses them. As others have said, a lot of people turn a blind eye to porn use - this is not related in any way to your past experience and I think you should try to decouple the thoughts in your mind. You are indirectly blaming your DP for keeping the issue in the front of your mind and this is not fair to him. Counselling sounds a good way forward.

PainfulAnkles · 22/12/2022 20:00

But how do you people just turn on cognitive dissonance when it comes to women’s and girls rights?
It’s no secret the industry is filled with misogyny, violence, lack of human right and trafficking.
So how do you…just not care?
If you care about women of course.

Killjoy124 · 24/10/2024 14:22

I had the same thing with my LG's dad. It put me off before I even gave birth to our child as I had similar reasons for wanting transparency and honesty and his continued lying hurt worse than the porn watching. I left ten days after our daughter was born because he swore on her life there was nothing else to admit (but he can't help but lie). It gave me the ultimate ick that he was willing to bring her name into his lying so I cut the relationship off. Four years later we now coparent amicably but his lying trait hasn't stopped so I'm glad I've dodged that bullet

NeverAgainNelly · 24/10/2024 14:56

Curious but why does he have to tell you if he looks at porn? This almost feels a little controlling. Almost forcing your views onto another person. This isn't about what happened to you as such, people are free to choose and it seems wrong that it should be held over a person that if they look at something you do not like then they have to tell you otherwise you don't want to be with them or it somehow is disrespectful to you. That seems almost manipulative. It's almost like policing another person's thoughts and is probably a little unrealistic in reality. Perhaps the real issue is more about addressing your own insecurities rather than wanting to know what other people look at. I mean he's a man, did you honestly think this was something he would never ever lie about? I couldn't imagine being in a relationship where my partner has to tell me if he looks at porn and I wouldn't expect him to tell me either. I just feel if this is a deal breaker you're probably going to struggle to find anyone who can live up to your expectations. If a man expected his partner to tell him what she looks at online and viewed it as a measure of how much respect she had for his feelings because of his own insecurities, then I think we all know what the replies would be, and they would be far from flattering.

Jessie1259 · 24/10/2024 15:20

NeverAgainNelly · 24/10/2024 14:56

Curious but why does he have to tell you if he looks at porn? This almost feels a little controlling. Almost forcing your views onto another person. This isn't about what happened to you as such, people are free to choose and it seems wrong that it should be held over a person that if they look at something you do not like then they have to tell you otherwise you don't want to be with them or it somehow is disrespectful to you. That seems almost manipulative. It's almost like policing another person's thoughts and is probably a little unrealistic in reality. Perhaps the real issue is more about addressing your own insecurities rather than wanting to know what other people look at. I mean he's a man, did you honestly think this was something he would never ever lie about? I couldn't imagine being in a relationship where my partner has to tell me if he looks at porn and I wouldn't expect him to tell me either. I just feel if this is a deal breaker you're probably going to struggle to find anyone who can live up to your expectations. If a man expected his partner to tell him what she looks at online and viewed it as a measure of how much respect she had for his feelings because of his own insecurities, then I think we all know what the replies would be, and they would be far from flattering.

Oh stop, the OP is allowed whatever boundaries she would like, if her OH didn't agree with them then he was entirely able to voice that at the time it came up. Instead he pretended he didn't watch porn so he could trick her into staying with him while doing it behind her back.

Not wanting him to watch porn is neither manipulative or a way of controlling his thoughts. She's not saying he's not allowed to fantasize, she's saying I don't want you to watch other women on a screen. A screen and his mind are two completely and utterly different things.

If her boundaries are unrealistic then that is her choice, again he was free to tell her it was unrealistic when the subject came up. Not telling her because it might cause a massive argument isn't an excuse either as a PP suggested, she is not a child to be protected, she should be allowed to make her own informed decisions - and he should have walked away if he couldn't manage to live without porn.

The problem is OP that you've forgiven him countless times so he's not going to stop - but you don't want to leave. In that case the only thing you can do is accept that he is going to watch porn and there's nothing you can do about it.

NeverAgainNelly · 24/10/2024 19:18

Jessie1259 · 24/10/2024 15:20

Oh stop, the OP is allowed whatever boundaries she would like, if her OH didn't agree with them then he was entirely able to voice that at the time it came up. Instead he pretended he didn't watch porn so he could trick her into staying with him while doing it behind her back.

Not wanting him to watch porn is neither manipulative or a way of controlling his thoughts. She's not saying he's not allowed to fantasize, she's saying I don't want you to watch other women on a screen. A screen and his mind are two completely and utterly different things.

If her boundaries are unrealistic then that is her choice, again he was free to tell her it was unrealistic when the subject came up. Not telling her because it might cause a massive argument isn't an excuse either as a PP suggested, she is not a child to be protected, she should be allowed to make her own informed decisions - and he should have walked away if he couldn't manage to live without porn.

The problem is OP that you've forgiven him countless times so he's not going to stop - but you don't want to leave. In that case the only thing you can do is accept that he is going to watch porn and there's nothing you can do about it.

Show quote history

Stop yourself. You know as well as I do what you would be saying right now if OP had just told us her husband expects her to tell him if she looks at porn. LTB. It's nothing to do with so called boundaries. Ultimately we don't get to control what other people choose to look at, as this thread demonstrates.

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