Marrying for the second time- societal pressure and whether it's all that it is cracked up to be

[piddocktrumperiness]

Hi all, I've been with my DP for over two years and have frequent thoughts, intrusive somewhat that marrying again in my position is a bad idea, regardless to whom. We both early on in our dating stated that we both believe in marriage and hope to get a second chance so to speak . Both are divorced. I was in a 20 yr arranged marriage, and have adult children. I come from a very conservative background where relationships, not leading to marriage are frowned upon. I love the idea of being in a relationship but truthfully feel so torn between the want of trying again and getting marriage right, with a person I actually like this time and finally being happy and between the idea that marriage will tie me down and trap me like it did the first time.

I have, since my divorce bought my own home and have cleared my debts and am happy in my own little home and when in my thoughts I fear that I'll lose that.

I'll have a thought where I might imagine a happy family occasion, with my new husband, and our children and families around us, in a home that we have together, that I get a say in how it looks and all that romanticised stuff. Then a second or so after I'll get feel feelings of anxiety where I lose my home, where I live with someone, compromise alot, as I did in my marriage and ultimately feel trapped. That I'd need to bend to their needs, their house guests, family, children etc.

I was a young bride, at nearly 18 and my day was miserable and I sometimes feel I'd like a redo- on my terms but those worries above get to me.

I find I am battling the conservative "you can't just be in a relationship and not marry", "if it's not marriage he's not that committed to you", with the thoughts of "why can't you just stay in this relationship as it is?", "marriage is not necessary as you are now older, and already have a home and job etc", "marriage is over romanticised", "you're not doing anything wrong", "make your own rules"

I don't have many female fiends who are unmarried, or divorced- I don't have many family members in the same boat either, and so I am hoping someone here can lend me their view on this so that I don't drive myself crazy with guilt, or shame or insecurity.

I think it just shows that you are thinking about all aspects of a relationship or marriage and that is a good thing. It is no surprise after your first marriage. If it is the financial aspect of getting married then you can do a pre nup ( as I have done to protect my assets). People will say they are not legal and they are not in the law book but they are in practice. Does he want to get married? Do you feel as if you want to be married to him? To me - if you know then you know.

It sounds to me like your gut is telling you not to. I would listen to your gut.

You can still be happy together and keep your own home, space etc.

You might change your mind in the future when you are certain you can trust the relationship. I would be honest with him.

Honestly you don't have to do anything you don't want to anymore.

You’re sensible to listen to the thoughts and feelings coming up when you consider marrying again.

I was talking about this with my dp (one year together, both divorced), that we would need a prenup given the circumstances. I will not be leaving things to chance as I did in my first marriage. If you don’t move in/ share assets, you don’t need an agreement, though I will probably want something’official’ like a civil marriage and prenup, in case one of us dies prematurely or gets ill.

Also, as you suggest, your preconditioning may leave you feeling guilty at enjoying a relationship where you aren’t married; but that may be other people’s opinions that you’ve taken on, and you are actually happy as is, without a ring on your finger. It’s a perfectly valid choice to remain unmarried.

I think it is a really bad idea to marry again if you have children. It makes everything so complicated. If you have anything at all that you would like to leave to your children you have to make sure you make a new will and hope that you have had good legal advice and appointed competent executors. Then you have to consider Power of Attorney and next of kin status wrt your children and your husband. I suppose I am wary because I have heard so many awful experiences. My own included.

@WillMellorsHips I wish I knew. I have been treated so badly in my last marriage ( which was my only relationship) that I don't know or could trust myself to know. I thought I knew what I was doing at 18 and so my self trust is not as fine tuned as I would like it. I love my partner, and I know he has the attributes to make a good life long partner, but I worry still. People change, life throws things at us and I get anxious thoughts over the possibility of reliving my past marriage. So on one hand not marrying anyone is giving me the space or distance for me to try and wait and figure things out but at the same time, the longer I am in the relationship, the louder those intrusive, conservative voices get as I'll hear "you should be married by now, why has he not asked you? what you are doing is wrong, what will people think?" even though I try and snap it back with "why the timeline?"

Op I watched a really good programme on bbc3 today called planet sex
one if the episodes was called monogamish

it helped me realise that what I feel and what you feel is totally ok ! It saying how much the world and society’s changed
but we still assume only one model

we’ve been brainwashed into thinking there is only one way to be happy

do some reading around , make your own mind up

and stay happy !!! Life is hard and if you are happy now that’s an amazing thing

@Thisisworsethananticpated Thank you I will check it out

You areway younger than me but my children are also grown, I am financially well off and have my own house/assets (with DH - happily married). If, god forbid, anything happened to DH I might eventually meet someone and have a relationship but I would never marry again - would not merge my assets with someone other than dh. I wouldn't have considered having children or forming a life with DH without marriage.

If I were you, I would just slow down on the decision. You can still deepen the relationship with your DP without planning a wedding. If anyone asks say"We are having a lovely time right now and have no need to rush into anything." or "none of your business"

You are pushing yourself into a commitment/wedding/decision that really doesn't need to be made right now. I knew DH for 4 years before we married (admittedly I knew almost immediately that I would marry him). Don't pressure yourself. Just enjoy this lovely relationship and when the time comes and you know you want to marry, you can.