How to dea with 8 year olds antagonistic behaviour?

[Chocolatesprinklies]

I was going to post this in parenting but posters in that forum tend to be even less understanding than in AIBU!

My 8 year old has bouts of very antagonistic behaviour which is absolutely draining. I don't know what to do about it. If it's just me, her and her little brother, she is absolutely fine! However, when we spend the day with my parents or my have a family day out with exH (her Dad as we are still friends post-divorce) her behaviour becomes extremely difficult to deal with.

If I try to speak to the other adult who is with us, she will start singing loudly, purposely so that we can't have a conversation, she will cry and stamp for dessert, treats, toys in shops and cafés. She will stomp off in a huff and cross her arms, she will make silly noises, be loud when I ask for a little quiet in the car because the music is on, just really draining, hyperactive behaviour.

She is as good as gold when it's the three of us, like my little helper and so caring! What on earth is going on when we're with other people? Why is she behaving like this when someone else is present?

And what can I do about it?

She seems jealous that she isn't the centre of attention!
I would deal with it by telling her 8 year olds do not stamp about and make a fuss by generally behaving like a toddler.
There was a girl in my children's primary school that behaved like this, it didn't take long before other children noticed her spoiled behaviour and she ended up quite lonely at school as they simply couldn't put up with her tantrums when she didn't get exactly her own way (many times throughout the day).
Her mum made it worse (in my opinion) by giving in to her every demand, she even went to the school to complain about children 'bullying' her daughter, the head had to gently explain that she wasn't being bullied, it was just a case of other children not tolerating her ridiculous behaviour!
Please, please tell me that when she tantrums for a toy or desert you don't get her one?

Could she be jealous of sharing you with others? Or others with you and her siblings? Does she have one on one time with her dad or grandparents? Have you asked her why she behaves like this? Maybe have a gentle heart to heart and see if she will open up, perhaps she is worried about something?

Does she like to show off in front of other people? What is she like if you had adult friends over?

Suggest some younger aimed gifts Santa may be bringing her if she continues to act like a small dc..

Has the behaviour started or worsened after a significant event - you and her dad splitting, changing school, moving house, you or dad having new partner, etc? It sounds driven by insecurity - as if she's afraid subconsciously that you'll forget her if she's not constantly reminding you of her presence.

Have you spoken to school - is she doing similar there?

She's not being antagonistic, she is having tantrums.

You need to come down like a ton of bricks on that sort of behaviour.

She sounds like the type of child nobody tells off. You don’t tell her off because she is your ‘“little helper” (whatever that means…) and others don’t tell her off either because in today’s society it is not permitted to tell off other people’s offsprings.

Absolutely not.
She doesn't get anything when she's behaving like a spoiled madam.

That's interesting.
No significant events that I can think of other than me and her Dad splitting 18 months ago. I've often thought she can be a little attention seeking and have questioned ADHD when she was younger. She really doesn't like it when me and her Dad are having a conversation that she's not part of. She gets very little 1:1 time but when she does its worse, she behaves as if the adult she's spent more time with belongs to her.

Shes definitely a bit of a show off @MissyB1 at times. Other times, she can be very mature and gentle.

I can't figure it out.

Hmm... I'd be cautious with some of this advice! It's clearly attention seeking behaviour and remember that in the eyes of a child, negative attention is still attention! I'd say absolutely set boundaries but try not to react/rise to it. Although easier said than done! Then when it's the 2 of you, try to have the quality time & chats to see what's causing the drama. Maybe schedule in some more down time too if she's not coping well with social gatherings.

No she's not behaving like this at school at all. She often gets certificates for exemplary behaviour, although she does bicker with her friends about trivial things at times. We often talk through the issues and I try to gage if she's being irritating around them too without actually asking outright.

We've had a little chat and she says that she doesn't like it when she doesn't feel "involved."

So she wants to be included in adult conversation and plays up if she isn't.

She can see other people buying toys and other people eating dessert anf thinks, why can't she have any?

FOMO seems to be a lot to do with all of this behaviour and so she's attention seeking! She can't be involved in everything can she! How do I handle it/stop this behaviour?

You said she gets very little 1 on 1 time. Why is that?

Well it's quite simple really, we co-parent so the children are mostly together @emptythelitterbox if one has the children, the other doesn't.

It's very difficult to offer regular 1:1 time when parents are separated and there is more than one child. Now and then, I take her swimming just the two of us, he takes her for a 1 hour walk on a Sunday morning whilst her sibling does an activity, but we find it doesn't help at all as she then becomes more possessive of the parent she's spent the 1:1 tim with.

I think you could try more 1:1 time, and also have a conversation and tell her straight that her behaviour in front of other adults is not acceptable. If she wants to attract your attention mid conversation can she put a hand in your arm, you can cover her hand to show you know she's waiting. If she acts up I'd be telling her off in front of the other person and hoping a bit of embarrassment might kick in, rightly or wrongly. 8 is quite a hard age imo, a few hormones kicking in.

1 on 1 time ideas can be simple, like I have a mindfulness colouring book that I do with Dd when her brothers gone to bed.

She really doesn't like it when me and her Dad are having a conversation that she's not part of and she behaves as if the adult she's spent more time with belongs to her. I’d read those sentences as 1) adults had conversations without children then mum and dad stopped living together and 2) keep the adults close so they don’t go away.

id say she’s involving herself in all adult conversations so she knows what’s going on etc and she’s keeping the parent close so they don’t leave. She won’t know why she’s doing it and the behaviour will “leak” into other aspects of life but I’d say that’s what’s going on.

It sounds like she feels insecure. What I appreciate it must be frustrating and the temptation is to punish the behaviour. It's important to remember that behaviour is communication, she's struggling in certain situations. I agree trying to talk to her at a quiet time when it's not happening may help. Does she need to know what's happening/ what to expect? She may feel more settled if she feels more in control. With regards to interrupting I'd give her a time she has to wait. Start low like 20 seconds, use a watch/phone so she has a visual. Then gradually build up the time to wait. Also a fidget toy or similar may help her when she's waiting.

Lots of praise/attention if she does with to speak.