Arguements

[Lastpinkblanket]

My relationship with DH has always been pretty volatile, but today something really petty was said that has brought back memories of school bullying and made me feel my I can't go on.

Really stupid, I was complaining that his coat smelt of smoke when he was supposed to have given up and I had had his coat cleaned for him. His retort was 'well you smell' - probably an absolutely stupid throwaway comment. However this was something I had endured at school with, with other kids telling me I smelt so it is something I am really conscious of and have been for years.

I'm probably over zealous with washing, and clothes washing and general hygiene. DH has taken his things and says he's staying away but I am left with this horrifying feeling that I really must smell.

I've scrubbed myself in the shower and put on all clean clothes yet again but I can't get away from the feeling there must have been some truth in what he said. We've only moved recently so I don't have any RL friends I can talk to (and I would be too scared to ask anyone if I did smell).

Don't know what I'm even asking on here for

Did your husband know this was the main taunt your school bullies used against you?

No, he doesn't have any idea. I've never talked about it.

That's good then, that he's not deliberately invoking something he knew would trigger you.

It just seems like a childish retort to you complaining about his coat smelling- he was feeling defensive because he was in the wrong and it's of the same sort of level as "takes one to know one".

I really don't think there will be any truth to it.

It sounds like the childhood bullying has really affected you and he managed to hit a very vulnerable spot. Maybe you should consider talking to a counsellor about it? It can be so damaging growing up.

Whether your marriage has a future, I don't know - if it's always been volatile, perhaps you're not suited to each other.

It all seems so childish - I'm in my 50's for fucks sake

I agree with PP, he was chucking back a defensive insult to take the heat off himself. I doubt if there's any truth to it.

When the heat of the moment is gone, you could ask him if he does really think you smell as he's now made you paranoid (I wouldn't mention the school bully stuff) and hopefully he will reassure you that of course he didn't mean it.

Things can be said in anger without engaging the brain, that doesn't excuse him of course. Plus IME 'some men' will go much lower with their retaliating insult than we ever would.

Sending you hugs 💐

I'm interested to know more about the volatility in the relationship; this sort of throw away comment wouldn't bother someone in a healthy relationship. Does he often say things and you come away wondering if/feeling that he was being horrible to you/bullying you?

This one thing he said isn't necessarily a problem in itself (quite possibly just a joke) but if it's bothered you, that suggests a deeper background, and you're blaming yourself ('I was bullied, that's why it bothered me') rather than recognising that he's actually being unpleasant to you, then maybe there's more behind this than just the one remark.

I might be miles off the mark, but usually things that make us feel like hurt kids hurt us because our 'hurt kid' on the inside has never been reassured/listened to/nurtured.

@Anothernamechange1010 I feel as if I wouldn't believe him if he said I didn't smell, its brought so much back from years ago.

@Watchkeys the volatility is difficult to describe but over 25 years things have changed from a loving comforting relationship to one where there are continual undertones of dislike between us, that result in horrendous arguments every month or so which usually end in him storming out for a few days.

The times I am happiest are when he's not here, then I feel I can be myself, play music, sing along to it, chat to the cats.

He was my support when my life came crashing down just after I met him, but somehow that person, and us as a couple, have disappeared.

continual undertones of dislike between us, that result in horrendous arguments every month or so which usually end in him storming out for a few days

Why are you staying with him? Can you not create a life when he's out and you can sing and talk to the cats on a permanent basis?

I guess I keep hoping the person who he was 25 years ago will reappear.

The times I am happiest are when he's not here, then I feel I can be myself, play music, sing along to it, chat to the cats.

This says everything. Please don't waste any more of your life waiting for him to change back into the person he was for a short time 25 years ago.

You're at an age where you really have to look ahead and think about how you want your life to be. Next thing you know that man will fall ill and you'll have to be his carer - get out while you can.

But even if he did, you have this unpleasant history now of undertones, horrendous arguments, and his vanishing acts. It wouldn't be the same as it was at the start, would it?

You are both telling me what I probably already know deep down, this is so sad , but I can't waste any more of my life like this.

I know I am probably to blame too, which is another reason I am reluctant to accept the inevitable, but you are both right, I don't want to spend the rest of my life in this miserable cycle.

Thank you for giving me clarity.

Take 'blame' out of your decision making process. Anything that's happened between you is down to you both. You are both responsible for the condition of your relationship. This would be true even if one person was behaving really badly, because the other would be responsible for staying and allowing it to continue. So trying to apportion blame is really unhelpful. Think in terms of 'The Relationship' rather than 'you v him'. It's not 'he did this and then I said that and then I was hurt and he said xyz', it's 'we had trouble discussing something he did and the relationship suffered'.

What you are responsible for, ultimately, is your own happiness. If you're not happy in your relationship, you're not a compatible pair. Nobody has to be at fault, but you can't stay together, unless you want to stay unhappy.