Need advice - going NC

[redleaves75]

My mother has never really been a 'Mum'. She left my parent's marriage when I was 11, stating that she 'didn't want to be a wife or mother anymore'.
Fast forward a few years, and I'm always trying to get some affection/attention.
A couple of examples

1. when I moved out of home, my Dad lent me 100 to buy a second hand fridge. She got angry at both of us for that
2. When I was 22, I was really sick in hospital and I called her from the hospital to say 'Mum, I'm in CCU'. Her response was 'I'm having my hair done this afternoon'.

There are many, many examples but her messages usually leave me in tears because of her total lack of interest (which I craved and needed since a small child) Anyway, we have decided to have a child, it won't be easy as we are older parents, but I told her before telling anyone else, knowing that her reaction wouldn't make us happy. Her first reaction was 'how are you going to find the time?' (It's our child, of course our lives will be revolved around our new family.) That was on 5 October. Out of the blue, I get a message this week to say she is travelling from 1 Aprill to end of June and it is about time after nearly four years. Not even a question about how the baby plans/IVF/etc are. This is her only shot at being a grandma and she has not even basic curiosity. I've gone LC with her for a while but after this I want to go NC, my husband agrees and is a bit bewildered as to how cold she is.

I want to go NC to avoid getting hurt every time she gets in contact, but not sure if I should tell her why, about how hurt we are at her total disinterest, or block her?
Any thoughts and advice is much appreciated, thank you

Forgive me for being blunt because I’m saying this from a place of love.

You don’t owe her an explanation. She’s never gave a fuck to give you one. Don’t afford luxuries to the people that don’t afford them to you.

Messaging her why is only ever going to hurt you more because there’s room for her to disagree & gaslight. If she hasn’t given a fuck to be a mother and hasn’t given a fuck about your baby then I highly doubt you sending her a message is about to make her.

Enjoy your life with the knowledge you’re already a better mother than she is and let her sleep in the bed she’s made for herself.

Thank you

Don’t bother replying to her. Maybe just set up a system where her messages are hidden, emails are sent directly into a folder, or block them completely. I really wonder if she’d notice, tbh.
I’ve been there. It’s hurtful, but you can’t make people care. Write a list of the people in your life who you know that genuinely do care and remind yourself of that every time you feel down and say to yourself that those people have chosen to have you in their life, so you must be pretty special.

I told my dm why I was going NC. Unbelievably she didn't hear a word I said, it went in one ear and straight out the other.

It sounds like she is someone who did not like/want children and/or disliked parenting, and should have remained childfree. So she is most likely not at all interested in being a grandmother either. Given that, and her callous treatment of you, you don’t owe her an explanation.

you know why she’s not mentioned it, guess it’s not just incase it upsets you by asking? Some people are just like that, only really care about themselves. If she left you at 11, she doesn’t sound like a great parent, so likely she won’t make a great grandparent either

I wouldn't even bother telling her. Just go NC. She clearly hasn't shown you a single shred of humanity, so leave her to it.

The only reason you would tell means you are still seeking the validation that will NEVER come.
Just do it.
Good luck with the baby x

I’m going to go against the grain here and say that i would tell her. I would want to know that I had communicated myself crystal clear and know that I had been the adult who leaves no confusion. Sadly I doubt you would get a response, but at least you wound know that there can be no confusion about how you feel and why you’ve cut her out of your life.

Low contact often leads to no contact in many instances.

You do not need her approval, not that she has ever given you this. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she sure as hell will not be any sort of a grandparent to your child either. She has not changed and you are going to have to let go of any and all hope now she will change.

There does not have to be any sort of announcement from you to she about going no contact. I would write it all down on paper and then immediately shred this afterwards.

You are doing this for the right sort of reason ie not out of revenge but to to protect yourself from being further abused. You will need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Its not your fault either she is like this and you did not make her that way.

My mother is the same OP. I've never had one ounce of love or care from her, never a hug or a kiss, so comfort when I was sad or a loved relative died. Its taken me 60 years to come to terms with the fact that she isn't going to care about me or my DS.
I didn't go NC I went LC. I don't initiate contact at all, if she messages me I will send a very short reply but that's it. I moved hundreds of miles away so there is no danger of having to see her.
Cutting her off completely would mean losing other members of my family who I care about.
I have had extensive therapy though to cope with it all, I needed to tell somebody my story and it turns out I have complex PTSD which I take medication for now which helps a lot.

Bestcatmum

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If this current level of low contact works for you I would continue but review it as and when you feel necessary. If it starts to make you feel more or at all uncomfortable then I would not reply to any of her sent messages and drop the rope entirely. You already have physical distance and its ok to put more mental distance between you and she if you decide that is what you want to do.

re your comment:
"Cutting her off completely would mean losing other members of my family who I care about".

But do they care about you?. How often do you hear from them?. Would these other family members stop speaking to you if you told them what your mother did?. If they did then I would argue they are not worth bothering about. I would also think that some of them have awareness as to what your mother has done.

I'm not sure you need to do anything in this situation @redleaves75 . Your mother is so self absorbed would she even notice if you didn't contact her? Certainly drop the rope trying to get her to be motherly or caring towards you but minimal replies if she contacts you. If she ever does complain about YOUR lack of interest, that would be a good opportunity to put her straight (bearing in mind, these sorts are oblivious and often hostile to criticism).

In my own experience I had a self-absorbed, ignoring mother but it became intolerable because she expected me to dance to her tune when it suited her plus rewrite the past and her narrative as a self sacrificing perfect mother.

She was actually a very selfish, promiscuous, multi adulterous scapegoater who played her children off against each other. She had this idea that 'children should all come together around the grandmother' like royal subjects to the queen on her throne.

My break was more dramatic because I finally called her out on her behaviour after she ran off with one of her previous affair partners and expected us to blindly support her. I'd had enough.

Therapy has been a life-changing help for me and I would recommend it. I no longer crave what I didn't get as a child, feel totally 'meh' towards her and feel not an ounce of guilt at not being the default elder carer for her. It is a grieving process but I do believe you eventually realize you don't miss what you never had. 💐

Thank you to everyone for your thoughts. It was hugely helpful to me, and meant a lot to me.
After a lifetime of heartache I finally blocked her this morning. I have had enough of feeling grateful for a scrap of contact once a year or less.
I'm feeling more settled already.