Is my marriage over? : (

[FrappeGirl]

DH and I have been married for 10 years and have two DS age 9 and 6. Occasionally I have short lasting wobbles where I'm not 'feeling the love' but always get over them and until last year, I hadn't had one for years. However I'm having a MASSIVE wobble at the moment that has lasted since summer and I feel like I've got to a point where I can't get back to how I used to feel.

DH is affectionate enough in terms of cuddles and short kisses but we haven't had sex since we conceived DS2 6 years ago. I have always had a higher sex drive than him but since conceiving DS2 he has had some difficulty in that department and isn't remotely interested in me sexually anymore. I yearn to feel wanted. I have spoken to him about it several times and he always says he will make more effort but then nothing happens. I didn't used to be too bothered by the lack of sex because we did other stuff but that has petered out and I feel like we live like siblings. When we do kiss (short pecks...sadly DH has never been one for snogging) I don't really feel anything anymore.

At the end of the summer I kissed a male friend who I have known since I was a teenager and have a lot of unresolved feelings for. It wasn't planned, it just happened, but it only served to highlight how completely devoid of any sort of passion my marriage is. I was feeling this way before the kiss, but obviously this hasn't helped.

I now can't stop thinking about male friend, even though he is happily married (the kiss was about our unresolved feelings for each other).

More than anything I want my 'in love with DH' filter to come back on but it seems to be refusing. I am honestly starting to think about separation but can't bear the thought of doing that to DH, to our two DS and of having a failed marriage. I know DH loves me and would be utterly devastated by separation/divorce...and I am the kind of person who hates to hurt other people.

On paper he is almost the perfect husband. He is kind, provides for us, great dad (if a little impatient with them sometimes) but I can't imagine spending the rest of my life feeling the way I do now. I don't even know if I want to have sex with him anymore.

It's the middle of the night and I want to be asleep but my head is too full of thoughts and I'm on the verge of tears. I can't talk to any of my friends about this as their husbands know my DH.

What would you do? Has anyone been through anything similar? Any advice would be appreciated but please don't be too hard on me as I am a sensitive soul. I am very aware that male friend and I shouldn't have kissed.

It sounds as if you two need to have a proper talk about this and see what you both want going forward as this is continuing to be a problem. I know it is difficult to talk about this. Perhaps some relationship counselling might help. Do you ever get out on your own? Sometimes couples become just too absorbed by the kids. The kiss - well you are right it shouldn't have happened but you know there is no future in that so forget it. How old are you? This is very common. I was there in a similar marriage but eventually it did break down.

Thank you WillMellorsHips (great name!). I'm 39. We rarely do anything by ourselves but are planning a night away in January just us for the first time since DS2 was a baby. I'm not holding out hope for a naughty weekend, it will most likely be very tame! Will think about relationship counselling...DH hates that kind of thing and I'm not keen, but maybe it would help.

@FrappeGirl if you don't address it , it will only get worse and it eventually gets too embarrassing to even talk about but then maybe that tells me that I was with the wrong person.... Mine was many years without. I have no issues talking with my now H about anything.Best of luck!

The thing about lack of intimacy in a marriage is that it leaves you vulnerable to the attentions of other men, and sooner or later something happens that shouldn’t - a kiss, a ONS, an affair, a too close friendship which highlights just how lonely and rejected you feel. Once you get to that point I don’t know how possible it is to salvage the marriage - maybe with determined commitment from both parties?

In my case I ended the marriage - there was no one else involved but I was very aware of the potential because I felt so rejected in my marriage. We too have young children and all the feelings of not wanting to hurt him, or them, were there but I was very hurt too. We’re trying to navigate an amicable separation which is tricky for all kinds of reasons but I feel so much better on my own.

You seem to have the foundations there, OP, so I would pursue the counselling route. Try and talk him around, it's important to you and an investment in each other.
If things do eventually end up breaking down irretrievably then at least you will know that you tried.

You’ve been celibate since 33???

I’d normally be one to say, forget the kiss. Don’t mention it. But in your case, I’d tell him. Use it as a platform to start the wider discussion of your relationship, the future I’d you both, as a couple. It’s just not on the take sex out of a marriage, with zero discussion. It just isn’t. This can’t go on. Not unless you never want sex or affection again. Ever.

As he's not interested in sex, would he be okay with you seeing other men (not the friend - too close to home) to get your physical needs met, and remaining in a companionate marriage for the sake of your children?

You don't have a marriage. You have a polite housemate. Of course it's not about sex - when sex is good enough. When there's no sex at all (and one side still wants it), sooner or later it will become all about sex.

If a man isn't having sex with you he's having it with someone else...

Zero intimacy needs to be a joint decision. If it's not then one of you is unfulfilled. Don't waste your life or time feeling negative. You're too young to waste years of your life. Plan B time 💐

You should use this opportunity on this weekend away and lay it on the line, just as you have described here, but be absolutely brutal. Don't be kind, don't be nasty but don't worry, he is either not hearing you or he has checked out himself, bring it to the point that this weekend brings all this horrible feeling for you to an end one way or another. He could be lost to you already or he could be sleepwalking along but living like this is not fair to anyone.

Not always true.😃

Difficult, I know how it feels to be rejected intimately and be told it’s your fault, which, like somebody has already said is 50% your fault. However you can reduce your percentage half by making an effort, then if there’s no reciprocal effort ,despite repeated attempts from yourself ,from the other party then IMO your are entitled to a sex life from whom you decide and I would tell him so.

Of course this is hindsight advice I didn’t follow the above but wished I had

PM me if you wish
Good luck x

The lack of sex I couldn’t cope with. Just because for me sex is how I feel close on a deeper level to my partner / boyfriend etc. I guess short term if there’s some health issues going on / pregnancy / post baby it’s ok, but this appears to be a long term thing. Not even snogging either, you’re just housemates not lovers. The fact he’s not discussed it or sought help (or maybe he has and hasn’t discussed it) is not ok. He’s just decided that your relationship is now sex less and that shouldn’t be the decision of one person. I’d use the weekend away to really discuss your future, see what he’s prepared to do to save the marriage. If he’s not I’d walk away, as you’re only going to end up having an affair / ONS which will destroy the marriage anyway. Better to leave amicably now than ruin lives further down the line

Does he get his satisfaction elsewhere? Porn? Someone else? Is he gay? Asexual?

You need to have an honest conversation. Would he consider going to the gp to query his lack of libido. Does he have a very high stress job.

You are right, you can't go on like this. See what happens on the weekend away. If no interest then talk to him again. Saying he'll make more effort won't wash any more. Time to be honest.

I feel awful - when I said DH was having difficulty, I literally meant he can't get it up, but can totally see how my comment was minterpretated. Apologies!

We had a big chat before Christmas. He says he isn't asexual and is invested in our marriage. Since then he has been making lots more effort - cuddles, kisses, more affection. Sex is obviously an issue at the moment but he is going to get some viagra - in the meantime he's been making an effort to make sure I'm satisfied in other ways.

So all is good for now. I am so much happier than I was when I originally posted and am finally getting to a place where I can see that I will eventually be able to put kiss with Male Friend in a metaphorical box.

Just want to say thank you to everyone who offered advice and opinions - you're an amazing bunch!

Just be aware that viagra is not a magic bullet for all men, if he has chronic ED the daily low dose versions might be an alternative/ better option

OP, I hope your DH has been screened for heart disease, hypertension and diabetes, rather than just been given a viagra prescription.
Erectile dysfunction is often the presenting symptom for these conditions, and needs investigated. If the small single artery in the penis is getting clogged with plaques, then arteries elsewhere in the body may be similarly affected.