Another friend one (advice needed)

[NoName122]

Hi all,

I met my very close friend at work. She started working same department as me. We just became very close. I was able to share lots of things with her. I couldn’t with others. She shared too. Lots in common.

We spoke / messaged every day. I know I have invested a lot of time in this friendship - I got to know her family, went over to hers etc. anytime I got lunch which was most days I got her too. I celebrated every happy event that happened in her life.

overtime I felt our friendship was really tight.

Few months ago I noticed it didn’t feel the same. Anytime I called she didn’t answer and she wouldn’t reply back quick instead replying back few days later. She only messages now and then when she needed help with projects.

I tried to be patient but realised and felt like we were drifting apart. I did tell her as I was worried that was the case. She said she is just busy. So I gave space etc and waited to her from her (company we work with is so big some days I don’t see her anymore) but she never called or messaged. I messaged to check up on her and would get one word replies. I’ve just tried to put up with it thinking it will get better but when I mentioned it the other day - how we don’t talk often anymore she said she is really really busy. But again she is sharing whatsapp statuses, instagram, facebook. She is replying to other friends from work. She is constantly messaging on group work chat. Like throughout the day. Not just about work but random things.

she felt like family so I really cared about her. I still do. But someone needs to tell me what my heart is telling me. This friendship is over right.

what can I do instead of sitting her feeling hurt, stupid and just silly. Thanks

Firstly it’s not you it get. I’ve had a couple of friends like this and now I realise some people like a string of intense best friends and for no reason they drop the best friend and move onto someone else.
Do you have any older less intense friends you could arrange to see? If not plan some nice things for yourself and don’t check her social media. It’s a. It like a romantic break up, you will get over it in time.

Really feel for you, I'm going through the same thing, it is super painful, ive cried, lost sleep and vented. Checked all the apps looking for when shecwas last active etc. It's confusing and confidence denting.
In my case the friendship has felt one sided for quite some time. After 15 years of being very close friends, she is now ghosting me. Its tempting to keep contacting them, searching for the answer- trying to fix it.
However I've looked back and realised I've been feeling unhappy in this one sided friendship for over a year. Like you, I have approached her with the are you OK? Have I done something? Are we drifting etc.
Time to move on. Get in touch with other friends, make plans to do things. I Feel better for starting to do this. It's Still megs painful, but starting to move on and finding my anger about being treated so badly. You will too x

@NoelNoNoel thank you. You’re right. Was thinking it was so intense at the begining and now it’s like she is looking for someone else.

@jenny38 aww hope I can get over this quick. I think I have been trying but so hard when you care so much. When I look back all I can see is me trying and not that much from her.. I just fee a bit stupid now. Wish I never invested so much. Lesson learnt.

It really hurts doesn't it. I've had it happen to me twice now. Once with a friend of 30 years. It's very difficult to know how to handle it. I ended up backing off and unfortunately never heard from either of them again which gave me my answer.

From my own experience, I have found one-sided friendships can be a symptom of a tendency towards codependency ie one person over-gives whilst the other person over-takes.

In my case a self-absorbed scapegoating mother modelled how I approached female friendships, me the people pleaser who couldn't do enough for my 'best friend' often to ridiculous degrees, friend lapping it up, rarely reciprocating and happy to move on when they didn't 'need' me anymore.

I ended a very long friendship recently because it was clear that she would only see me if I invited, hosted her for the weekend or travelled to see her for the day. Resulting in a huge amount of resentment for me.

Perhaps see this as a learning curve. Don't give your 'all' in friendships, make sure what you do is reciprocal and doesn't become one-sided. You may find some friendships don't develop any further but you will have weeded out the selfish people. Also it's important to maintain other friendships. That 'best' friend thing can make you vulnerable to heartache when they trade you in for a newer model.