I need to leave but.....

[Ohjustboreoff]

My H, no D atm. He has just told me he is refusing to stay Christmas night at my parents house as he believes they are dirty. It stems from years ago when they said that they had put the bedding on new before washing it and they have a golden retriever.
So not to drip feed he has always been strange. I have made posts about his actions before.
We have 2 DC's and we've both come from divorced parents. But he is so critical of everyone. Everything needs to be done his way, his way is the best. If he doesn't like something he'll say so and hang anyone else's feelings.
We've been married for 10 years and have 9 DD and 6 DS and a dog!
I can't see myself married to this mood hoover of a man too much longer but I don't want my DC's to have the parent split I did.
FYI my parents house is not dirty or stinky. I'd say it's actually cleaner than my own as but of us work and it's hard to keep on top on things.
I need to tell him to fuck off don't I?

Great, so you and the children stay at your parents, you can drink and he drives home. Do not tolerate his silliness

"I can't see myself married to this mood hoover of a man too much longer but I don't want my DC's to have the parent split I did."
If the alternative to having their parents split up is to spend their childhood with a 'mood hoover' who is critical of them and does not consider their feelings (I'm including your children in 'anyone' and 'everyone') - then having your parents split up seems the better option for the children.

Do you really want them to grow up

Yes I've just said for him to drive home by himself and the children and I will stay.
Yes he is the type of man who only does what he likes and if it benefits anyone else he becomes less than enthusiastic. But that's most men isn't it?

Hi OP. No, that's really not most men at all, certainly not my experience anyway.

I think you've struck the right note in your response. Let him crack on and you and the kids stay and have Christmas evening with your folks. He sounds joyless and very rude

No not most men.

Yes he is very rude about other people. We had a big talk a few weeks ago and I've told him that he is rude and mean about people. It like who slags off his partners parents? I can do it they're my parents but on the whole they are good people.

I think he sounds more like he is Ona spectrum of sorts.
For now, before you make big decisions - can’t you just work around is peculiarities?
He can drive home, you stay at your parents.
Not a big deal really.

@MMmomDD yes I've been thinking of late that he is on the spectrum but when I've bough up the subject with him and other I've been shouted down and told just because he like things a certain way doesn't automatically mean he's on the spectrum.

This sounds just like my STBEXH. I also believe he is on the spectrum - one of our kids is and I see many many similarities. He says what he thinks whether it offends or not or says nothing at all. He also believes his way is the right way and will not compromise. Its exhausting isn't it?

No it isnt. It is controlling arseholes. Who women start to diagnose despite absolutely zero training and qualifications, rather than admit they married and now need to leave controlling arseholes.

100% agree! Neurodiverse is thrown around so much on here for abusive behaviour. Frankly, it's insulting.

I am in the process of leaving H who can be a controlling arsehole.

it is not an easy path at all and at the moment I constantly feel sick about it, whether I’m doing the right thing for the dc, etc. He is making it as hard as possible every step of the way and is unable to put the dc’s needs first.

nevertheless I know it is what I had to do.
so not a decision to be taken lightly but not an easy path either.

im sure it will be better in the end but at the moment I feel overwhelmed by it and wonder if I’d been better just putting up with it and doing my own thing wjth the Dc as much as possible.

@Ohjustboreoff

Thing is - not sure what brining it up with him can achieve. We are all different - and there is a ‘normal’ range of emotions, empathy, etc. Where the edges are drawn is arbitrary, obviously.
But to him - he is the way he is. And knowing that more ‘normal’ people don’t feel the same about, say, cleanliness of your parents house - doesn’t change how HE feels.

That is why I am saying - can you at least for now, instead of trying to change him, or tell him he is as weird as you describe him -
can you live with recognising and working around his peculiarities?

My partner - for example - seems to have hard time with changes. Changing plans definitely puts him to some sort of state. It is on a spectrum - yes - on that particular dimension he is not within what most people consider normal. But so what? Can’t change how he is. Even if he knows many people are a lot more flexible on that dimension.
So - I just try to work around it. And try (not always successful) to not let it annoy me.
He is also not great on empathy. But I just chose to not let it bother me. Have female friends who can emphasise if needed.

I think when it comes to partners - they come as a collections of qualities and bring different things to our lives.
As long as what they bring in total is positive - it’s a relationship worth keeping. But it needs to be continuously reassessed over the years.

You definitely need to tell him to fuck off. What an absolute fucking wanksock.

No, it certainly is not. In fact, I'd say that most men (& women) in lasting happy relationships are considerate and thoughtful. Maybe a lot of them aren't given to huge romantic gestures (looking at DH of 30+ years), they may sometimes opt to do what they want to do, but overall they do consider their families and/or partners and make decisions accordingly.

And everyone can be selfish at times, even the best of us, but we don't begrudge if someone else 'benefits' from our decision.

Your husband is just a plain run of the mill asshole.

Make sure u let him tell your parents that he’s not staying because their home doesn’t meet his exacting standards. Don’t make it easy for him and don’t rush home on Boxing Day either! I don’t know if he’s on the spectrum but he ticks the controlling behaviour box. ✅

Thanks everyone, I'm not sure I'll take the advice of the people who say just put up and shut up as they are his peculiarities, I'm exhausted as I always need to think of something will piss him off or if he'll be grumpy because I haven't done something. I wash up the wrong way, I can't decorate the house or even buy new glasses without his input. Every tiny thing needs to be discussed and weighed up.
He just makes everything so hard, I'm exhausted.
I'm going to ask him if he is happy that I tell my parents exactly why he won't be staying, see what he says.

You've been managing him - including him because he wants to have a say. It's probably become 2nd nature to second guess what would annoy him.
I think start by ignoring his wants, let him be excluded by his behaviour, take your own path and detach. If he's being unreasonable, ignore and carry on with your way. Don't engage with discussion, when he cousins- and he will- grey rock.

You are BTW stimulating discussion and argument - more wearing ?- by saying you are going to tell your parents why he's not there. I think you are hoping saying that will make him change his mind to save face, so maybe not that resolute yet, still trying with him and hoping he will toe the line.
You don't have to run it by him, tell your parents if you want if/when they ask.

No.

'When he complains' 🙄

@Ohjustboreoff
I'm not sure I'll take the advice of the people who say just put up and shut up as they are his peculiarities,

People who are saying that are full of shit. If we don't like someone's behaviour, if that behaviour is painful or damaging to us, then we don't have to put up with it no matter what the reason for that behaviour is!

@Ohjustboreoff

I wasn’t suggesting to shut up and out up.
By ‘working around it’ - I meant ignore his peculiarities and not let his grumpiness bother you. Do things you think you need and if he gets grumpy, so be it.

@MMmomDD but ignoring his peculiarities will only make me hate him then where are we supposed to go from there? Living together but me hating him while he is blissfully unaware or make him totally aware of my feelings. I don't think he would leave me as he doesn't want the DC's to live without both parents, I would have to leave or say that's what I want.

@Ohjustboreoff

I don’t know how to explain better.
There is a difference between living with his peculiarities and trying to pander to them - worry about his reaction, try to avoid his reactions, etc.
Normally this is the kind of ‘putting up with the’ that leads to resentment.

But - I think if you recognised that his is wired differently to you - while NOT pandering and NOT forcing yourself to walk on eggshells around him - that should NOT lead to resentment.
You can’t change how he is built, but you can change whether or not you let it affect how you live your life.

This is why I keep saying - there is no point trying to change him. But you can ignore the bits that irk you, and not let it affect your life. Just ignore the peculiarities, as much as you can.
Take control and don’t let him push you around.
Then it’s up to him to decide - to deal with his discomfort with X, Y, Z - change or leave.