I don’t like my mother. At all.

[ColinRobinsonsfamiliar]

She is a very unpleasant person.
Has no friends. None of the family have anything to do with her.
My siblings see her sometimes.
Every Christmas Day she comes to ours. Feel obliged, don’t want her to be on her own for the day.
None of my siblings ask her to their houses on Christmas Day.
I haven’t mentioned it yet. Not seen her for weeks so bobbed round the other day.
Couldn’t bring myself to talk about it with her.
I have no contact with my siblings go ask them to have her.
WWYD?

I don't know the details of your situation, OP (great username btw) but sometimes a family member may not be a healthy person to keep in your life. I know it's easier said than done, but sometimes cutting off or drastically reducing contact is necessary for your own self-preservation.

Some parents are harmful to their own children. It is a complicated situation and takes many years to process. But you're not alone.

There are a lot of books and websites about "toxic parents" out there you may find helpful, or the "but we took you to stately homes" thread on here.

Best wishes

@ColinRobinsonsfamiliar I sympathise with your overall point but I lost respect for you when you felt it necessary to mention that she has no friends. Many people have no friends for various reasons! It's not a reflection of someone's character.

You're not alone - my DM is deeply unpleasant too.

If she was actively harmful and/or abusive to you during your childhood and you feel negatively affected by it, I would consider just cutting her off completely. It's a huge step to do that with a relationship as socially sacred at the maternal one, but when abuse victims manage it it can be very positive for them.

But if she's just a person you don't like very much but don't feel particularly harmed by, I'm not sure. How old is she? If very old then there might be a case for just putting up with her until the inevitable solves the problem for you. If not, maybe bring it down to a card and phone call at Christmas instead.

Does she negatively affect your own family's christmas?

Cancel her visit to your home this year. Your own family will thank you for doing that. Its hard being the last one left who bothers with her but you have a choice here and you do not have to host her. Its not your fault your mother is the ways she is and you did not make her that way either. She has likely driven people away because of her overtly difficult and otherwise prickly behaviour, these types really do not have friends and for good reason.

If she is too difficult for YOU to deal with, its the SAME deal for your kids and DH as well. Do not potentially further spoil their day by having your awful sounding mother over like a spectre at the feast.

Deal with your FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) through therapy. Read Toxic Parents by Susan Forward as a starting point and have a read of/post on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

May I ask why you do not have contact with your siblings?. Is it because they sided with mother over you and are generally more favoured by her?.

You are not alone. My Mother has isolated herself more and more over the years so now has no friends, and minimal contact with immediate family (me included). She’s just horrible about everyone - I’ve never met a more judgmental person. I used to feel obliged to invite her for Christmas but after some counseling I no longer do. I’m not sure about what you ‘should’ do…. It’s really tricky…. Could you say you are planning on not having any guests on Christmas Day because you are all shattered/equivalent? Or ask her if she’s planning on seeing your siblings this year? (If that’s a possibility). Good luck with whatever you decide 💐

My point of saying she has no friends is that she has no one. No one wants to be around her because of the way she is.
Its down to me.
So to “loose respect” because I said this is a bit…. Daft really.

I’m not sure you were here to try and gain anyones respect in any case but to get support and advice.
The fact that your Mother has no friends may be suggestive of her character but also is relevant because it shows why she will be on her own if not for you.
You are a better person than me OP, if she’s that bad I probably would leave her on her own

This is really difficult. Could you see her for a small part of the day but not the whole day? Maybe say “we would love to see you on Christmas Day but this year we will be spending the day at home just us, no guests. How about we pop over for an hour in the evening/morning for a drink and to open some presents?”

You are not alone, I never see my M, she is vicious and unkind and would sell her children for a fur coat. I've not seen her for 4 years now and have no plans to. She never asks why I haven't been to see her.

It is difficult and for those in a similar boat, thank you for understanding and for your very kind words.
I feel bad that she will be alone on Christmas Day and I know it’s totally her own doing.

She is well enough behaved when with us on this one day of the year she comes to the house.

She has absolutely zero interest in my kids.
They don’t know her nor are they interested, she hasn’t been very nice to them in the past.

So we all tolerate her.
I wish it were different. I can’t cut all contact with her if I’m honest.

I felt I couldn't cut contact with mine too OP for many years because I felt I would end up with no family but then I had a really long hard think about it and realised neither could I be anywhere near her so I moved a long way away. We talk occasionally on messenger but that's it.
Her answer to the man she was living with sexually abusing me was to send me to boarding school at 10 and not have me back for holidays and when school ended I was out with no home and had to fend for myself.
She is still with him so there is no way I can go back there.

I sympathise hugely OP. I am in a similar position. Just before last Christmas my mother and I had a row and I used that as an excuse not to invite her for the 25th year in a row. I pointed out that she had 2 other children she could spend Christmas with and it was definitely their turn.

The fact that my siblings choose not to invite her is not my problem. Tbh I'm looking forward to this Christmas because I now feel no obligation at all to invite her. I've done my bit.

I feel similarly towards mine, and my sister. Because I am an idiot with no boundaries, I'm hosting them both for Christmas. Wish me luck!

What will u regret more-having her there for the day where you say she's usually well behaved, or not and potentially spend the day wondering if everythings OK?

I don't speak to my mum and haven't for 18 years. I often wonder if I should make an effort as it'll be too late soon and I will have to live with that. 🤷‍♀️

Could you call her and say your not able to invite her this year, so just want to give her time to make plans with your siblings. Act as if that’s entirely possible.

Do not bring her into your home. Doing so also sends your kids a poor message. Your fear, obligation and guilt drives your decision making re your mother and it is not the way to be here. Why should you and your own family unit have to at all tolerate her only because of you feeling guilty?.

it is indeed hard to be at all the last one who bothers with her but it’s really doing you no favours to keep on doing this perhaps also expecting a different result.

Your FOG here is something you are really going to have to properly tackle now. You are a sculpt with agency. You do not need her approval, not that would ever give this to you in any case.

You are an adult with agency, not sculpt!

I'm not sure why we all tie our selves up in knots at Christmas trying to accommodate /not offend people who make the day tortuous for everyone else.
Why make a whole family (including children) miserable having to tolerate a relative who won't appreciate it anyway?
I refuse to do this now, I'll ensure they have food for the day and ring them but I will not let them spoil the day anymore. I did for 20 years and had 20 shit Christmas days

Send your siblings and her an email saying
Unable to host Mum this year as we are having a Christmas just us for the first time in 20 years - whatever arrangements you all make - this will be happening for the next few years.

just stop hosting her

Similar situation as me, in fact half wondered if you are my sister. I’m going through this and also no contact with both siblings. I’m really ill and she’s given me nothing but abuse over the years, it’s really hard because we’ll get back in touch or have low contact and she’ll be really friendly but then it’s like I’m reeled in and the abusivd behaviour starts again. I came to a point where I couldn’t take it anymore. My sisters don’t speak to me because of it. It’s hard and I don’t know what to say aside from your not alone with this sort of thing. 😞

I have no contact info for any of my siblings and at 72 my mother doesn’t have the internet or an email address!
I’ll just tell her I think.

In this situation, I would contact siblings to take it in turn each year.
Otherwise I’d host for Xmas day, then make sure I had a lovely day Christmas Eve and Boxing Day doing exactly what I wanted.