Dead bedroom for 2 years - can I save it?

[koalabearboombox]

I had my DS almost two years ago, during the second lockdown. For the most part it was a positive pregnancy and birth experience (being alone in hospital for 5 days with a baby that wouldn't let me put him down was another story 🥴), 4th trimester was mostly lovely then from 3+ months he slept horrendously.

I became utterly exhausted, my DH thought he was also exhausted BUT he slept in the spare room every night since DS arrived (he wouldn't be put in his Next 2 Me so had to co-sleep for a while and decided it was safer just me in bed) and therefore was not. A bit tired from work perhaps, exhausted to my level, just no.

We argued a LOT - I was utterly sleep deprived and miserable, sometimes to the point I couldn't think straight or put a sentence together. He slowly ran out of patience and didn't really get why I couldn't talk about anything else other than being tired, or why I didn't have the energy to share cooking dinner - and our relationship really fell apart. There was a good six months where we just ignored each other all week, then we'd argue all weekend long.

Since DS started sleeping through, around 17 months, we have mostly stopped arguing and get along, perhaps with the occasional bicker. However we still sleep separately and have not yet reached the point where we are close enough again to have any kind of intimacy. It feels like he's just my housemate / co-parent / mate. In the evenings we eat dinner in front of the TV then go to bed about 9pm.

Whilst things were really bad I swore I would leave him once I was back at work, but now we're back on track (ish) I wonder if it could work again. We're in this sort of limbo land where we get on fine, but we don't have any romance, and aren't entirely sure what to do about it. In a perfect world I would like us to get that romance back over the next 6-12 months, then try for another baby when DS is 3.

Has anyone's relationship (and sex life) ever fallen into a similar state of disrepair and has managed to get it back to a good place? Perhaps had a second child?

I want nothing more than a happy family (mine as a child was very unhappy) but I do wonder if we are flogging a dead horse and that the romance perhaps would have returned by now if we really were going to work.

I would worry that as you want another baby by the time you little one is 3, your husband is going to think that's why you want him back in your bed. This is not, currently, a strong relationship so why would you want to bring another child into that environment?

I'd recommend some counselling to try and help you both decide if this relationship is what you want. I certainly wouldn't want another child given the experience you've had with your first one. You need some honest conversations about what you both want, which is probably best done in a secure environment (such as a counselling session), given your argumentative history.

I would not mix sex and intimacy with the desire to have another child.
Work on the lack of intimacy first. You don't want to be in a shit marriage with 2 small kids or a single mum to a baby and toddler.
FWIW exh and I didnt have sex/intimacy for 2 years. We grew apart. It was like siblings but we argued horribly. Split after our only child turned 1. I was just a mother to his child.
If im honest...unless you really work at it and you both want proper intimacy and sex, and you both make a solid effort to rekindle, it's dead in the water...

You don't really need romance for the thing that you really want, though, just a sperm donor. Seems a long-winded way to go about it.

I would worry that as you want another baby by the time you little one is 3, your husband is going to think that's why you want him back in your bed

Unfortunately I tend to agree with this ^^ , if I was in your DH’s shoes and thought the main reason you wanted to rekindle the romance was for him to father another child - I would be serious rethinking the relationship

You've just been through sleep deprived hell with your latest baby, you have just summed up in a post how unhelpful he was how he didn't understand how tired and exhausted you were. And you want that to happen again?

Some women really do me making life ALOT harder for themselves.