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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Are you supposed to forgive and forget?

19 replies

CrankyOnsie · 10/12/2022 08:54

I don't think I can say this to anyone, so I am putting it here for opinions.

There are a couple of people in my life (extended family) who I have gone LC with, as I feel they are not good for my MH. Think 30 years of criticism, bitching about me, and generally treating me like a piece of dirt on their shoe. I hit 50 and just thought, I am not putting up with this anymore. I still see these people, but not very often. When I do, it is fine because I just don't care what they think of me anymore.

So, it now transpires that the main 2 people are having a very bad time in their lives. I can't out myself by saying exactly what. I feel sorry for anyone who has to go through things like this, but I think I am going to find it difficult to be the bigger person, or forgive and forget because once the bad time is over, I'll be the shit on the shoe again.

I am seeing them over Christmas and I am concerned I am going to come across as cold hearted.

When someone has treated you badly, over a long time, are you supposed to forgive and forget? If not, what is the alternative?

OP posts:

category12 · 10/12/2022 09:00

Just because they're going through a bad time doesn't mean you have to start seeing them again.

If they're bad for your mental health, you are NOT duty bound to expose yourself to them whoever they are or whatever is happening to them.

Stay away.

InSummertime · 10/12/2022 09:03

Take that out of it - if they were remorseful and reflective maybe 🤔 but they aren’t

Fairislefandango · 10/12/2022 09:04

There is no 'supposed to'. Everyone is different and everyone's situation is different. Do what works for you and makes you happier.

SnoozyLucy7 · 10/12/2022 09:10

Forgiveness is so overrated. That’s how so much abuse happens in families because of the “blood is thicker than water” bullshit nonsense.

Don’t forgive anything. It’s irrelevant what they are going through. If they have been horrible to you it’s up to them to make it better. You don’t owe them anything.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 10/12/2022 09:12

When someone has treated you badly, over a long time, are you supposed to forgive and forget? If not, what is the alternative?

Why forgive and forget when they haven't changed? It may be possible if they do change but then again the hurt may be too deep.

The alternative is to detach from the relationship as you have done - see them as little as possible, learn to not care what they think and generally dial down your expectations of them. Become a bit clinical - observe without being drawn in.

Bedazzled22 · 10/12/2022 09:13

I also don’t think it means you must make it up with them just because they’re having a hard time. I don’t suppose they were supportive to you when you had a hard time hence that’s why you think they’re bad for your mental health. I would just keep your distance as best you can.

7ftChristmasTree · 10/12/2022 09:13

I've been in that situation. The person has become very ill with terminal cancer. What I do is not forgive and forget, but I look at the person as simply a person, suffering, looking very ill, and I simply treat them as I would any stranger. I ask them if they're ok, if they need anything, ask them about their treatment and how they're feeling. But I pull up the barriers as much as possible if they venture into talking about anything else.

leighqt · 10/12/2022 09:15

No your MH is paramount but you can have empathy which is a natural emotion.

ShandaLear · 10/12/2022 09:16

You put yourself first and do what you need to do to manage your wellbeing. If you were giving advice to a beloved friend in your situation what would you tell her?

Original poster

CrankyOnsie · 10/12/2022 09:18

see them as little as possible, learn to not care what they think and generally dial down your expectations of them

Yes, display. I have done this. I don't really want to go back to my former place.

I don’t suppose they were supportive to you when you had a hard time

No, you are right Bedazzled. In fact, I have had a few very hard times and they offered no support. On one occasion they kicked me when I was down.

7th, I think that is what I need to do.

OP posts:

Windbeneathmybingowings · 10/12/2022 09:56

I agree about forgiveness being overrated. It’s seen as the ultimate goal and many people can’t reach it and don’t need to. It’s not something you owe anybody. Your feelings matter with or without forgiveness. If you want to give it do but there is nothing wrong with not forgiving them, do whatever you need to move forward.

Windbeneathmybingowings · 10/12/2022 09:57

On one occasion they kicked me when I was down.

then I would utterly ignore them.

Dhama · 10/12/2022 10:03

I work on the basis I am not Jesus nor do I have memory loss, therefore no need to forgive and forget.

these are people who have been awful to you, I’d carry on as you are x

GreyCarpet · 10/12/2022 10:06

Of course you don't have to forgive and forget. Their bad time hasn't erased the 30 years of criticism etc has it?

But on forgiveness, people talk about it being something you do for yourself. Recognising that t was a flaw in the other person and nothing to do with you and that helps you to move on from it. It doesn't mean you decide it was ok after all.

Sewwhatmrmagpie · 10/12/2022 10:13

No, you don't have to forgive or forget. People will often put the pressure on to do so though, usually because it makes their lives easier rather than it being the best thing for you.

I learned a really valuable lesson a few years ago while in therapy for a bad childhood. That you don't have to forgive, and it doesn't make you a bad person if you don't. I found life a lot easier after that, and actually over the years have been able to build a very arms length relationship with the people who hurt me.

I work with someone who went out of their way earlier in the year to try and bring me down- it was all very petty and unpleasant and very public. I came out on top fortunately, and months later that person has decided they must be my best friend. I am quite happy to have professional relationships with people so I work very nicely with them. Several people have asked me how I can stand to be near that person, they'd never forgive someone who behaved like they did... well I haven't forgiven then and I certainly shan't forget! But I know what on terms I'm prepared to interact with them and I'm well aware of what they are capable of.

AnyFucker · 10/12/2022 10:15

My father is terminally ill but I don’t forgive and forget

BobSacamono · 10/12/2022 18:17

Hello OP. When you were closer to these people you find yourself trying to please them in order to stay on their right side? If so it might be that hearing about their hard times is triggering that tendency and you’re worried of falling into that same cycle again. Unless they have reached out to you directly for help and support you can’t respond to them in a meaningful way anyway. Keep the grey rock going and remember you are not indebted to them in any way.

Watchkeys · 10/12/2022 18:37

Who do you think decides what adults are 'supposed' to do? What rules/guidance are you trying to follow, and why do you respect it more than simply following your own feelings?

Bestcatmum · 10/12/2022 18:47

Its their tough luck basically. How are you supposed to forgive people who are absolutely not sorry and don't even try to change their behaviour.
Don't feel guilty. They have brought it on themselves.

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