First time and regret (maybe).

FirstTimeConfusion · 2022-12-10T08:12:13+00:00

Or sadness, I don’t know what to call this. So I had sex for the first time almost two weeks ago and ever since I’ve been nothing but sad. I don’t really want to anything and just want to be alone. This isin’t normal, right? It was with a guy I’ve been seeing for awhile, and he’s been calling and texting, but I just don’t feel like talking to him or seeing him.

category12 · 10/12/2022 08:14

Did you want to have sex, or did you feel pressured by him, or perhaps like it was something you were supposed to do?

MichaelFabricantWig · 10/12/2022 08:14

Oh dear x

was it fully consensual? Did you use contraception?

Do you have a good friend you can confide in?

BCBird · 10/12/2022 08:18

Hi. Did you feel pressured into the situation? Did u perhaps not feel.ready? Your feelings are valid. Why are you not in contact with your boyfriend? In my first sexual relationship, in my mid 40s!, the first time we had sex it was very underwhelming, I remember thinking, is that it? Realistically even though I really liked him,and later grew to love him,I was not ready for sex 6 weeks into our relationship. Everyone is different. Take care.

Original poster

FirstTimeConfusion · 10/12/2022 08:23

No, not pressure from him, more from myself.
I’m almost 26 and I just never ’bloomed’ (I don’t know if that’s a right word, I just never became interested) and felt like I was a weirdo, so that is why I ended pushing myself a bit.

We used a condom.

I actually made a thread here, because I’m too embarrassed to talk to anyone.
And there are two women in our friendship group who had made rude comments to me about my lack of experience, so I don’t want to risk them knowing anything.

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Oopsiedaisyy · 10/12/2022 08:27

Did you find him sexually attractive? Or anyone attractive in that way? I wonder if you talked yourself into sleeping with hin because you thought you should, rather than wanted to?

page1of4 · 10/12/2022 08:28

Did you have it built up in your head as going to be romantic and amazing? It's not like it is in the movies, the first time with anyone (even if it's not your first ever) is usually a bit weird and awkward. Once you get to know the person and live grows, sex gets WAY better and the emotional connection develops. That's when it starts to feel amazing.

Try to figure out why you feel how you feel about it. Is it the above? Not into the guy? Not into sex at all?etc then take it from there. Cut yourself some slack

page1of4 · 10/12/2022 08:29

Love grows*

category12 · 10/12/2022 08:44

Oh, sounds like you did it out of social expectation, feeling like an outlier, and internalisation of that, rather than because you wanted/desired sex?

Sorry you're feeling low about it.

category12 · 10/12/2022 08:47

Have you considered whether you might be asexual or perhaps not interested in men, if you haven't yet experienced sexual desire?

Doesn't make you a weirdo btw.

Original poster

FirstTimeConfusion · 10/12/2022 08:53

sounds like you did it out of social expectation, feeling like an outlier, and internalisation of that, rather than because you wanted/desired sex?

Pretty much all of this.

Did you have it built up in your head as going to be romantic and amazing?

No, I wouldn’t say so.
It was more of the everyone hs done it (a long time a go) and it sounds like everyone loves it.
And just listening /reading how great ’everyone’ think it is and how important it is and must have in life almost.

So first it felt like pp said ”that’s it”, but then just came the sadness and it just won’t go away.

Have you considered whether you might be asexual or perhaps not interested in men

I have wondered about all of these things for years, it just came to a point to give it a go.

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OutDamnedSpot · 10/12/2022 09:02

Did you enjoy it at the time and feel regret now, or did you not really enjoy it?

BCBird · 10/12/2022 09:04

Hi
I didn't have sex till.i was 45. I think.everyine is different. I just wasn't interested in having a relationship or sex. I'm.not weird neither are you. What do you want to do about your relationship? He is probably very confused. Take care

Original poster

FirstTimeConfusion · 10/12/2022 09:07

OutDamnedSpot · 10/12/2022 09:02

Did you enjoy it at the time and feel regret now, or did you not really enjoy it?

No, I didn’t really like it tbh.
But I was expecting there could be pain, so that didn’t come as suprise.

It was just after, there was just this empty feeling.

He was nice before and during.
Just after the sex, he seemed bit distant, but then again I was too.
I don’t really know what your supposed to do after sex, I was more worried about things before that.

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MichaelFabricantWig · 10/12/2022 09:10

Did he know that you were a virgin?

Original poster

FirstTimeConfusion · 10/12/2022 09:16

Yes, he knew.

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BEAM123 · 10/12/2022 09:16

Your feelings are completely valid, listen to them

If the guy is kind and respectful, try to talk to him about how you are feeling, he might be good support. He is probably wondering what he did wrong!

I felt like this after sex at 16, all through my teens and into my adult life, through marriage as well. I was into the person but didn't enjoy sex, it just felt like... nothing. And I would be left with this sense of longing and emptiness which would have me repeat the experience to try to get the feeling of emptiness filled. Turned out I was gay 🤦.
Point being that I didn't listen to my feelings because I didn't know how to, or even that I was allowed to have feelings about anything but the norm.

So, listen to your feelings, and listen to your body, it will tell you what is right for you.
Maybe you just aren't attracted to him enough, maybe you aren't attracted to anyone, maybe you are suppressing who you are attracted to. It's all fine and you have the right to feel what you do and not feel socially pressured.

First time sex, even with a new partner can sometimes be clumsy, over very quickly (with men) and not be great.

But if you aren't feeling a desire to touch them in that way, it isn't attraction. You might like them, even love them, enjoy their company, love their face.....but sexual attraction is when you see a glimpse of skin or see them naked and you have an urge to touch them in that way. I am spelling that out because it was never spelled out to me what it was supposed to feel like, so I carried on doing what society expected.

Good luck, and keep listening!

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 10/12/2022 09:26

Have you had any sexual contact with anyone, even if not full sex? Masturbation? Do you orgasm through other means? Did he make an effort in that department or was it just PIV sex until he was done? If he’s a similar age (especially if he watches a lot of porn) it may be that his moves are not going to do it for you and you need someone who understands how a woman’s body works (I’m assuming you’re a woman here, so sorry if not)

Most women don’t actually think it’s that’s great with a virtual stranger but if can be if the spark is there. More often than not it takes a few times to get into the groove. I’m absolutely not suggesting you do it again to find out btw. Just that the idea that everyone else is loving it is a bit misguided. Most women need oral and an emotional connection too to really enjoy it. Some are lucky enough to orgasm from just sex, or with strangers/new partners. But many women need a few tries with someone to work out how it needs to be so please don’t feel weird.

If you haven’t yet watched it, give Last Chatterley’s Lover a go (on Netflix). Now that is what it’s meant to be like!!

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 10/12/2022 09:28

Lady Chatterley’s Lover. Stupid autocorrect.

ThisWormHasTurned · 10/12/2022 09:49

I was very similar. I thought there was something wrong with me for a long time! I enjoyed kissing, knew I fancied guys but I never really felt turned on by anyone. I was mid 20s when I met someone who did..then suddenly it was difficult to keep my hands off him! I didn’t actually end up losing my virginity til I was 27!

I’ve honestly only been properly sexually attracted a few men in my life. I need both a physical and mental attraction to someone. Intimacy is about more than just sex, if there’s really a spark there you’ll feel it just by looking at someone, holding hands..

Now I’m in my 40s and single again..quite a few dud dates but I’ve just met someone I think I really like 😊 Honestly, our last date he held my hand as we went for a walk and it felt amazing. It sounds like you weren’t really connected with this guy. It’s tricky to wait when there’s peer pressure and yeah, people think it’s strange but so many people have bad sex for the sake of having sex. Trust your instincts and have a think about what you really want, rather than what other people suggest you should want.

Freezingfreda · 10/12/2022 10:17

Perhaps he wasn’t the right guy for you. To be honest I’ve always found sex overrated and that’s probably because I haven’t had the proper connection. I’ve had 2 connections in my life where it was better but even then my desire was low. The others were similar to your experience. All a bit Meh!!

I think in a world where we are bombarded with sex in the media, it’s easy to feel that you are missing out when in my experience, I have enjoyed doing other things that interest me much more. I think I am at the asexual end of the spectrum but not totally against it if the real connection is there.

Original poster

FirstTimeConfusion · 10/12/2022 10:49

Have you had any sexual contact with anyone, even if not full sex? Masturbation? Do you orgasm through other means? Did he make an effort in that department or was it just PIV sex until he was done? If he’s a similar age (especially if he watches a lot of porn) it may be that his moves are not going to do it for you and you need someone who understands how a woman’s body works (I’m assuming you’re a woman here, so sorry if not)

Not with another person, nothing before.
I have masturbated and had orgasms.
He did offer oral, but ai felt way too uncomfortable so we gave that one a pass.
He’s two years older than me, and yes, I’m a woman.

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Original poster

FirstTimeConfusion · 10/12/2022 17:04

If the guy is kind and respectful, try to talk to him about how you are feeling, he might be good support. He is probably wondering what he did wrong!

Oh yeah, we did talk, text mostly - that seemed easier thing to do.
He did ask me if I’m okey, I skirted around, cause I didn’t know what to say.
Hopefully he doesn’t think he’s done something wrong.

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5128gap · 10/12/2022 17:35

I think you feel sad and withdrawn because you've had sex you didn't want. Someone has been intimate with your body and you didn't want them to. You did it because you thought it was about time not because you wanted that experience with that man.
All I can suggest is that you try to distract yourself and get your equilibrium back and know that it's an experience you don't need to repeat unless you genuinely want to.

namechange5575 · 10/12/2022 20:46

The first time I had sex I felt the same way emotionally - so empty and sad inside, for quite a long time afterwards. I still can't quite make sense if it. I was and am quite a sexual person, and I had pursued the entanglement, so it wasn't that I had had it against my will. Quite possibly it wasn't the emotional / sexual connection that I wanted it to be - I wonder if this is true for you?

You give some clues - that you didn't want him to give you oral as it felt too much, and that you haven't been able to talk to him about it - that suggest that the emotional intimacy maybe didn't match the physical intimacy. I learnt eventually that you have to take emotional risks, to expose your emotional vulnerability and build trust, and that makes the sex brilliant. Like sharing what you are experiencing, even if it confusing or disappointing or hard to understand, or if you are scared the other person will feel confused or disappointed or hurt. Because if that can be tolerated and accommodated and treated kindly, then you develop the trust to ask for what you need, and the trust that the other person wants you to have a good experience, that they are excited by your pleasure, and vice versa. And negotiating those shared experiences and boundaries is creative and generative (but hard work and emotionally taxing!) and what makes it good. Really good luck to you! Do you think you could talk to him about his you feel? Do you think he would be supportive?