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Relationships

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Original poster

Would you still claim maintenance?

10 replies

Hurrress · 09/12/2022 14:35

In a nutshell I had an awful pregnancy as ex dp turned quite nasty. I have never felt so horrendous and low in my life. I begged him to be there at the birth (Yes I know I’m an idiot), I begged him to be a decent parent even when we separated. He’s never been in touch even when the due date passed. We are both relatively good earners, him much more so. I don’t want to speak to him again as now I’ve moved forward I’m shocked by what he was capable of putting me through when pregnant. I see it all so differently now and I feel huge anxiety looking back to that time in my life. But… I don’t know how I will pay for nursery and work. I need some help. I am terrified of going to claim maintenance as I really really don’t want to provoke communication. It’s really affecting me going over this and I just don’t know what to do. Does anyone have experience of this, what to expect etc.

OP posts:

TiAmoTiAmo · 09/12/2022 14:49

If you are in the UK, let Child Maintenance Service communicate with him and collect your child's maintenance on your behalf.

Pinkjacket22 · 09/12/2022 14:52

Congratulations on your new baby and sorry to hear what you went through. You've probably already realised that your love for your baby vastly outweighs any love you've felt for anyone before. Get what you are entitled to so that you can provide the best life possible for your baby. If you can go through a solicitor then this is what you pay them for. To deal with facts and figures and you not have to plead with a grown man but they deal with it on your behalf. Otherwise go CSA. I did it through a lovely family lawyer who spoke so kindly to me and had the measure of exh and made sure he was paying what he legally should be. I remember her saying to me I shouldn't be listening to him when he was throwing all his toys out of the pram and it helped so much at a very low point in my life. The more you have it all organised the less you'll need to deal with that arsehole in the future. And you don't know what the future holds so get every penny you are entitled to. Doesn't sound like he'll be providing much practical or emotional support but you can do this.

StickyCricket · 09/12/2022 14:53

Is he named on the birth certificate?

You should probably claim through the CMS but he prepared for him to be an arsehole and demand a DNA test .

TERRRYsnotmine · 09/12/2022 14:55

You can block his number and communicate through email. If he's tye type to grudge paying for his child.... he could fiddle his salary especially as a higher earner he will pay you a decent amount.

Contact CMS but don't rely on any money you MAY get from him.

Pinkjacket22 · 09/12/2022 14:56

Oh and yes I would totally claim maintenance. He should be paying it but he's trained you to keep quiet and accept his shitty behaviour. He thrives by keeping you on the back foot and scared of him. Thankfully the law wants him to provide for his child as he morally should. Just push on and get it done. Hopefully you only have to do this the once so that it's all in place and you can decide on maternity leave duration, nursery etc. you seem to have suffered enough at what should have been a lovely time in your life.

liarliarshortsonfire · 09/12/2022 14:59

Go via cms

Original poster

Hurrress · 09/12/2022 15:09

Thanks for the kind replies @Pinkjacket22 @StickyCricket @TERRRYsnotmine @TiAmoTiAmo ive been shaking even logging into the maintenance system. So pathetic as I have a really intense job with lots of responsibility yet here I am this shell of who I was. The fact he never got in touch after the due date has made me see that he is truly a selfish man and yes I’ve read about making earnings reduced I can imagine him doing that too. I’m exhausted mentally by it all, I only ever wanted him to be decent and for us each to get on with our lives. It’s been horrendously hard emotionally yet I know if I don’t claim I will have less time with dc because I can’t afford it without some help. I feel so sad.

OP posts:

CatLick · 09/12/2022 15:11

He has basically foisted full responsibility onto you. Unfortunately you have no choice but to accept that responsibility. That doesn't mean you have to let him off the hook though. Leaving aside how you go about it, you are totally in the right to insist on his financial support.

Pinkjacket22 · 09/12/2022 17:23

Hurrress · 09/12/2022 15:09

Can you get a friend to sit with you while you get it done? I know i would help you if I knew you and i remember the feelings you are describing like my ex brainwashed me into thinking I was the problem. you clearly think you have to justify claiming money your child is entitled to. Maybe think of a very strong person you admire and ask yourself how they would deal with it? For me my sister is a feminist and has very different views to my ex so she would balk at the idea of not claiming because of some pathetic horrible bully of a man. She helped me get perspective through a lot of this stuff X

Starlightstarbright1 · 09/12/2022 18:16

Yes claim through cms. Block all contacts if he does get through say all correspondence re maintenance is through cms .

My ex doesn't work continues not to work . I don't rely on his £7 a week 🙄. I just take self pleasure he is limiting his income so he doesn't have to pay me.

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