Ended marriage but miss him

[horseyhorsey17]

The subject line says it all really. I ended my marriage earlier this year, and now live in a house near my ex husband with our two kids. We still get on and everything in that sense is fine.

However, I find I miss him, which I wasn't really expecting. I've almost been tempted to say something, but I haven't as that wouldn't be fair. The problem was, physically, I just couldn't go near him and that hasn't changed. I definitely don't ever want to have sex with him. I think I have some trauma in that department, because things in that area were pretty dire to the point where I could just no longer bring myself to do it again. So I felt we had to split up as I don't really want to be one of those couples in a sexless marriage - even though ironically I also feel like I never want to have sex again. I put my profile on a dating site, got 50 replies, freaked out, and immediately deleted it. So I am clearly not ready or willing to do THAT.

So I guess I am hoping for some kind of reassurance from you guys that these feelings will pass and I will feel like a sexual human being again instead of an asexual confused blob. Might not get that on Mumsnet but let's see!

Aside from the sex were there other issues in the marriage ?

Is it just your ex husband you don't fancy?
Avoid online dating where anyone can message, that's enough to put anyone off! best to try something like bumble where you have to match and ladies start the conversation, perhaps that way to can get to see who you are choosing and takes your fancy. I don't know if your sex drive will come back but I guess it's something you'll have to try once you feel ready, more likely than not, you will find the desire again.

I thought I didn’t ever want sex again, until 3wks ago when an ex colleague asked me out for a drink. 2 dates later I’m desperate to have sex with him! I think I just didn’t fancy my ex, and haven’t met anyone else I fancied as much as this new guy in the last decade.

Yes, he just stopped talking to me. He became very withdrawn and eventually I realised I was doing all the talking in our relationship, and had got into a habit of asking him a question and just answering it myself. I am not madly controlling or anything like that, but I am a chatty person and he isn't, and I think I just started filling in the gaps. But I couldn't talk to him about any emotional or god forbid sexual problems because he'd just shut off.

I don't know if it's just him I don't fancy. I haven't met anyone I'm attracted to but that's probably because most of the single men my age (47) are frankly a bit weird.

Just to add, I used to LOVE sex. And this is partly my fault because I realised very early on that we weren't sexually compatible (for loads of reasons, but one key one being he finds sex physically uncomfortable due to a medical issue that he's had all his life but refuses to get sorted) but I liked him so much when we first met that I thought it would be OK. But 16 years down the line, it wasn't.

Are you on HRT? It may be loss of libido due to hormones?

I tried HRT but it made no difference to anything, so my doc and I concluded that I am not actually menopausal but was suffering from stress.

It could still be that though (loss of libido due to age/hormones) though I think. God, I hope not. I enjoyed fancying men and having sex! It's weird not wanting to do either.

Did you try testosterone as well as HRT? It’s really misunderstood by GPs - mine asked me to give her links to read. But at 47 with no libido it wouldn’t be odd to think that hormones could be causing it. In fact it would be pretty normal! If you don’t fancy anyone and have no sex drive you may want to do some research and then revisit the GP.

It's encouraging, but also absolutely shock that your GP was so uneducated in the topic of women's hormones that she had to ask you links to read. They have to be careful with how much they give you, it doesn't work for everyone, but it's not rocket science ffs.

Try a low dose for 6 weeks with colsultation with someone more educated than your GP. If you can't get them to prescribe it off-label, insist that you see a gynaecologist. It doesn't work for everyone but it's worth a try if you don't have any health conditions which would make this unwise.

Hello OP, I think that you just do not know what may or may not happen in the future. I have been separated for over a year and am in the process of divorce. I do not miss my ex in any way however. It is almost weird as we spent twenty five years together and he was the love of my life and my best friend, until he was not. I started hating sex while we were together but I think this was because the resentment I felt for all the unresolved issues that we had. He also ad an ED he never wanted to discuss with me. Anyway, I do not miss or want him at all, I also do not want anyone else. I do not think about having a relationship, having sex, dating or god forbid, marring again. But who knows, this all may change if/when I meet someone who will truly love and care for me. There is a hope for us both. Hang in there and please do not go back to your ex. This would be a big mistake.

Thank you. This very much chimes with me - especially the bit about being your best friend until they are not. I am just going to take some time to find myself (cliche but there is is!) for the time being.