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Original poster

What is this behaviour called?

41 replies

Fladdermus · 09/12/2022 07:59

I have a friend who takes other peoples trauma and turns it into a massive OTT dramal about herself. Most of the time I've let it wash over me but this time I am connected to the actual victim and I need to tell her to stop, but I don't have the word for what she does.

So an example, a year ago a man was shot and killed in a nearby town to us. The perp was arrested at the scene. Turns out it was a drunken late night biker gang fight that got out of hand. A week later her ex went there shopping with their DS and she went absolutely nuts. Days and days of her raging about how irresponsible he was to endanger her son like that taking him there after what had happened. I pointed out that you don't get many drunken biker fights in Lidl on a Saturday afternoon but it fell on deaf ears.

Another example, she works in a school and they had a meeting with social services who went through the very specific needs of a child who was joining the school who had quite serious difficulties around personal hygeine because of the abuse they had suffered. Cue endless stressing about how she (friend) would cope, what if she got sick as a result, how stressed she was over it, on and on about how it may impact her with seemingly no thought at all for this very vulnerable child.

Is there a name for this? How would you describe it?

OP posts:

KangarooKenny · 09/12/2022 08:01

Paranoia ?

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 09/12/2022 08:02

Self-obsessed?

mrstea301 · 09/12/2022 08:03

Main character syndrome!

Original poster

Fladdermus · 09/12/2022 08:04

DH suggested 'ghoulish' as she's feeding off other people's tragedy, but I thought that meant something else.

OP posts:

PopTartsAreLife · 09/12/2022 08:05

My mum is like this. I think it's to do with narcissism but I'm not sure of the exact name. She will turn literally anything back round to herself and make it a huge drama that she is in the centre of. It's exhausting listening to her about these hypothetical situations. It's like their ego can't bear something happening without them being involved.

Original poster

Fladdermus · 09/12/2022 08:06

Definitely some paranoia and sefl obsession.

Off to google Main Character Syndrome.

OP posts:

DinosWillGetYou · 09/12/2022 08:10

Definitely sounds like narcissism. Everything has to come back to them, everything has to be related to them.

GreyCarpet · 09/12/2022 08:11

Why do you need a name for it? Is it not enough that you find it distasteful and irritating? What difference would it make if you could 'name' it?

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 09/12/2022 08:17

Being a dick?

Original poster

Fladdermus · 09/12/2022 08:17

GreyCarpet · 09/12/2022 08:11

Why do you need a name for it? Is it not enough that you find it distasteful and irritating? What difference would it make if you could 'name' it?

I have autism and am not very good with words in a face to face social situation. I thought having a word for it would help me tell her that I find it distasteful. Writing here is fine as I can think and rewrite and order my thoughts. Face to face I get tied up in knots and end up blathering nonsense, especially when it's someone who will push back hard against anything critical.

OP posts:

Shemovesshemoves21 · 09/12/2022 08:17

GreyCarpet · 09/12/2022 08:11

Why do you need a name for it? Is it not enough that you find it distasteful and irritating? What difference would it make if you could 'name' it?

Agree. You don't need to name or diagnose her - just tell her upfront she's being insensitive and needs to have more self awareness. You no longer want to the discuss the subject with her. Job done (and if she starts behaving like a drama lama on the back of this, drop her like a hot potato). I wouldn't have the energy to be friends with her.

stealthninjamum · 09/12/2022 08:21

Op that sounds like a difficult conversation and if she pushes back rather than self reflects is it worthwhile you even having it? is it possible to distance yourself from the friendship?

Season0fTheWitch · 09/12/2022 08:28

You can't tell her she's a narcissist without expecting a fall out. She obviously won't take that well. It's annoying but she's not doing any harm so does she need to be told?

"Jane that's very insensitive, you sound like a narcissist" isn't going to go down well.

Watchkeys · 09/12/2022 08:35

What it's called isn't the important thing. You're not trying to accuse her of having an illness, are you: you're trying to tell her that what she does is hurting your feelings, and may be hurtful to others. What's wrong with questioning her on why she feels it's appropriate to make this issue about herself, given that the victim is someone you know and it's them you're worried about? What's wrong with naming it yourself, and calling it 'Making things all about yourself syndrome'? Why does it have to be externally verified?

Fairislefandango · 09/12/2022 08:36

Emotional vampire

SummerWillow · 09/12/2022 08:40

Agree this sounds like narcissism but you can't say that to her face! Awkward but maybe just distance yourself a bit if possible?

peridito · 09/12/2022 08:40

Watchkeys it doesn't have to be externally verified .The OP has explained very clearly why she feels having a term to hand to refer to the behaviour would help her .

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 09/12/2022 08:42

I don’t think anyone could “diagnose” what up with this person on the basis of
minimal information and on an online forum.

Her behaviour is obviously self involved, maybe due to anxiety maybe she has narcissistic traits….who know.

I can see why it’s annoying though. I think I’d just move away from the conversation as quickly as possible or constantly move it back to the person/people involved. “Oh your worries about doing personal care? We’ll let’s hope this child can settle well into the school, it sounds like she’s had a tough time and will need lots of love and care”.

or just bluntly tell her what’s she’s doing?

ThatshallotBaby · 09/12/2022 08:43

My aunt is exactly like this. Main character syndrome is right. We are all the bit players and she is the star. I try and limit contact, as it’s difficult to deal with and invalidating.

baileys6904 · 09/12/2022 08:56

Perhaps she has extreme anxiety and has mental health issues herself? Nobody knows based off 2 examples that are written from one person's perspective. OP, If it upsets you, just tell her. It doesn't need to be a label

lifeinthehills · 09/12/2022 09:09

I call it inappropriate ownership of someone else's experience or pain.

Herejustforthisone · 09/12/2022 10:29

Irritating-as-fuck-all-about-me syndrome.

Nativity827456 · 09/12/2022 10:41

I know someone exactly like this.
It doesn't matter if some major event (good or bad) has happened to one of their friends or relatives, it is barely acknowledged before they start talking about themselves; how hard they worked in those days, how hard it was raising children and working in those days, all the things they did for everyone in those days. Gets boring and I assumed it's NPD.

layladomino · 09/12/2022 10:49

I think lots of people can be like this to an extent. 'That plane that came down - just to think, I was on that same flight only 2 years earlier, it could have been me'.

But most of those people aren't nearly as bad as your friend sounds. She sounds self-centred, possibly attention-seeking, likes to write herself in to the drama.

Not sure there's a definitive name whichever it is. I had a friend who was very similar. In her case it was about enjoying drama and being the centre of attention. On occasion it was really distasteful and offensive to people who were in genuine crisis.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 09/12/2022 10:51

I work with someone a bit like this. I told her I'm on a small dose of antidepressant so she then asked me about it as she is also on them and wanted advice. Also Ive become allergic to milk and she keeps talking about how she can't eat anything with fat in it. Anything happening she brings it back to herself.

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