Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I protect my daughter?

14 replies

snowpillow · 08/12/2022 23:08

Help me please with some mumsnet wisdom. Thanks in part to here, I left my coercively controlling and emotionally/verbally abusive partner earlier this year. My 14 year old daughter is 50/50 between us and he is now doing to her what he did to me - gaslighting, projecting, bullying, DAVRO, bad mouthing. She comes back crying and messages me while she is there upset. She has not gone as far as to say she won't go yet. He's accusing me of parental alienation (I haven't at all) so I have to tread very carefully. The abuse is insidious and so hard to prove. It wasn't enough to challenge 50/50 initially and I've been told it's not clear cut enough for the courts to limit contact now. But it is so damaging to her. I don't know how to protect her or who can help. Please help me help her.

OP posts:
Rolypolyfishheads · 09/12/2022 02:20

Bump.
This is such an awful situation, I'm so sorry OP. I really hope you and your DD get the help you need. I'm so sorry I can't advise but hopefully there will be someone who will come along who can. Wishing you both all the best.

MolliciousIntent · 09/12/2022 02:25

Have you sat her down and told her clearly that the way he behaves is utterly unacceptable, that it's abuse, that she doesn't deserve it, and that she doesn't have to see him unless she wants to? Make it clear to her that she doesn't need to go if she doesn't want to, and that you'll support her no matter what.

ladycardamom · 09/12/2022 02:26

I would probably suggest to her that she doesn't have to go if she doesn't want to. She is probably thinking that but too scared to say it. Then you're empowering her and being supportive. What would he or the court do about that when she is 14? Surely they'd have to take her wishes into account.

ladycardamom · 09/12/2022 02:28

Sorry, I mean say, "You can say no, if you don't want to go because its upsetting you".

PookieMomma967 · 09/12/2022 03:07

Kill him. Hope this helps 🙏🤗

GlowingBear · 09/12/2022 05:48

Would you be able to get her into counselling OP? Her school might offer it. It might help her form some boundaries and hear things from a third party

wildseas · 09/12/2022 06:05

I would try and encourage her to talk to a trusted adult who isn’t you. Counselling at school as pp suggested is a good idea. Or if she has a tutor or a pastoral lead who she trusts. Ideally you want an impartial adult to have heard how she feels before she reduces contact.

I would also keep a list of what she’s said about him. Eg. Tuesday 1st dec came home in tears. Reported that dad did x y and z. Was very distressed. Still intending on returning next week. I encouraged her to speak to her dad about it.

Finally if you’re worried that he will claim parental alienation i think you need to have some record of having raised her concerns with him before she gets to the point of reducing contact. I appreciate that’s really hard if you’ve been the victim of is abuse too. But could you draft a neutral email together with dd to try and address some of the worst points, asking him to be mindful of changing them. I appreciate that he’s really unlikely to change but the email is proof of trying to work together so keep it, and a copy of any shitty reply he sends.

And then i would say to dd that you would support her if she chooses to reduce contact but that she’s under no pressure to do so.

happiertimes123 · 09/12/2022 06:07

At 14 the courts should take her into account if she doesn't want to go anymore and feels the situation is unsafe.

category12 · 09/12/2022 06:25

She's old enough to stop going if she doesn't want to. I would say this to her in a fairly neutral way.

I'd also get her support or counselling if you can afford it. Maybe speak with domestic abuse charities and see if they can signpost you to specific help for her as an affected child.

MeJane · 09/12/2022 06:31

www.kaleidoscopic.uk/freedom-programme/

You could look into the Freedom Programme for children.

Herejustforthisone · 09/12/2022 06:55

What a filthy waste of organs he is.

W0tnow · 09/12/2022 07:13

Get her into counselling. She can offload to a counsellor without guilt. If it’s the right thing to do, for her not to see him, her counsellor will guide her there.

NotReallySure · 09/12/2022 08:00

If she voices concerns/what's happening at her dad's to the school they would have to listen/report. Would she do that? So it's not coming from you? This must be so hard. X

Original poster
snowpillow · 09/12/2022 11:18

Thanks all for your help. It's so helpful to hear your advice. She is seeing a school counsellor and I am encouraging her to tell them everything.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page