I need to end my relationship but I’m afraid of being lonely and sad

[Waterducks]

My ex husband and I divorced 2 years ago and and I’ve been in a new realrionship for 5 months. It’s not going to work long term because of different values/ beliefs as well as differing wishes about children. I really enjoy being with him though but these issues we just can’t resolve.
Im so worried about being on my own and feeling the loneliness I felt before. I have children but they go to their dads and I remember feeling so sad and lonely sitting on my own.

What about friends?

Have you any other interests? I'm splitting from my husband and am looking at women's walking groups and the local run club, but there are often reading groups/knitting/photography/anything else groups so might be a way of getting out and meeting people. All my friends have young kids, so when I don't have mine I make sure I have something to do that I couldn't do when I have them, if that makes sense. X

You need to find things to do with your child free time, not sit there wallowing in self pity !
What do you like to do ?
You really need to learn to be alone and ok, not to need a man.

Do you think you are grieving the end of your marriage? Would it not be better to work through those feelings of loss, sadness and loneliness before entering another relationship?

I agree.

You need hobbies and friends and to be comfortable spending time on your own. Not a fake boyfriend.

i do have friends but all with young children too. I think I’m frightened to experience another break up, although I know this will be much easier than the end of my marriage but it took me so long to get over that.
I just worry il miss having that person there for me, my friends are very good to me but it’s not quite the same

@Waterducks have you recovered from your marriage break up? Is the divorce finalised?

Often people fear the pain of a breakup and avoid it by getting into a new relationship. The new relationship masks the underlying emotions that have to be processed. Once the high of the new relationship passes you're back to the underlying emotions.

When you were single what emotions did you fear? Being alone isn't an issue only if you associate it with loneliness. Do you avoid negative feelings? Often we have to acknowledge the feelings and know they are temporary and will pass. Prolonged feelings of sadness could be depression however.

For example when single did you fear not being able to cope on your own? Do you fear being bored? Do you judge yourself if you are single?

I think it would benefit you to spend some time being single and learning to love your own company - and to build up a social life that doesn't have to include a man. That way if you do go into another relationship, it will be as someone who is strong, not needy. I don't know what ages your DC are, but mine are grown up and out of the house. I've been single for coming up to 5 years now and I don't see myself ever being in a relationship again. I can do what I want when I want, cook only the food I like, have total control of the television, completely hog the bed and have cats. It's epic. I am not advocating lifelong singledom for you, but a little alone time learning how nice it can be would probably help you, and allow you to grieve properly for the end of your marriage.

You've recognised there is no future in this relationship so there are reasons why you need to get on and end it...

The longer you leave it, the worse it will be. It certainly won't get any easier.

You're wasting your time and his time.

Staying in a relationship you know has no future because you don't want to be lonely is unfair on him.

Of course a boyfriend is not the same as spending time with friends, I don’t know why people say that, it’s like comparing apples and oranges.

Line up another fake boyfriend before dumping this one or before it ends, be selfish and do what you have to…..like men do. Why should women be all moral coded at their own detriment. If you are comfortable with it and it doesn’t feel wrong to you, get a back up boyfriend.

This is something you really need to address in general. Your kids won't be with you forever and it would be unfair for you to rely on them fill that hole in your life.

I'm really glad to hear that you are friends, although appreciate that they sound busy.

Do you just crave being around people or are you missing hugs and affection on those days?

In a similar situation op and it's harder when you have a nice time day to day with them but know that ultimately long term it won't work out.

I wasn't even looking for anything serious either when we got together so it worked well for the first few months but longer down the line and now that feelings are involved I know it has to come to an end or I am going to end up more hurt the longer I drag this situation out.

I roll my eyes at the you have to love and enjoy spending time with yourself advice before another relationship. I do like myself and will happily have a cosy evening in alone or a day out shopping and lunch on my own but I overwhelmingly like being with people more and having that 'person' whose closest to you, the sex, the affection, being able to share experiences with. Everything you just physically can't do on your own.

When this ends I know I'll be straight back on the apps as I know out there is someone who is more right for me.