No longer guilty over NC Mum

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I just wanted to 'say' out loud really that after a full year of NC with my Mum that I am feeling a lot better. I felt guilty, then I felt guilty about feeling better about not having the stress of dealing with her. Now I feel like I made the right choice.

I have been writing down everything she has done over the years which boils down to emotional abuse and I'm going to burn the paper and let it go. Why should I put up with it just cause she's my mother.

Anyone else have a similar experience?

No advice but kinda going through it.

Me and my mum have a very difficult relationship due to parentification.

We are still in contact however I cannot get past the shit she’s done in the past. Sometimes I get to angry thinking if about it I start ranting to myself inside and wanting to pick up the phone and explode at her.
But I know it’ll be no good as shes incapable of seeing herself for what she truly is.

So I am going low contact. Today is the first day we spoke over text in a month. We used to speak daily.

Since becoming a mother myself it’s even harder to ignore the crazy that she is.

Im going to try and fade her out but it’s hard as there’s so much anger and I feel as though she’s ‘gotten away with it’ without my exploding monologue I want to scream at her.

sigh. I’m sorry. It’s shit.

Thank you for replying.

I was at the point where every conversation was negative then I started thinking back and it all just became too much.

If it was a friend they would be gone, it's amazing what we let our parents do to us.

Take care.

I’m NC as well (such a mumsnet cliche) but I absolutely had to - from my early teens to my late 20s she brought nothing but angst, drama and hostility to my life. She was in an abusive relationship and when I phoned the police to try to protect her she told them I was mad and tried to have me sectioned (I was 15). Eventually she phoned the police herself and had to admit it was all true but never apologised to me or even acknowledged the impact it had on me. She delights in picking fights, threatened to have me sacked from my much loved career and once told my sister she was sending someone round to brick her windows in when she had a small baby. Shes lost almost every friend, neighbour and family member she has ever had through imaginary ‘slights’. She’s an absolute head case and I gave her chance after chance after change. After 15 years of this I could do no more and cut her off. The trigger for me was DD being born, I couldn’t bear for her to live with the constant sick feeling in her stomach waiting for the next drama to erupt.

4 years later, no regrets, I feel better as time goes on and now enjoy my very peaceful and drama-free life. Good luck to you.

Just to report back. I am now at peace with NC. I let it sit in my head for as long as it needed as the guilt waves passed and I had a sudden feeling of 'I am not going back'. There is no positive reason to. I'm free. Her bday just passed and a little bit of me was pleased I totally didn't acknowledge it. I am dealing with that part of me as I want the left over resentment to go and not turn in to spite.

15 years now even the odd rambling letter doesn't bother me.

Good for you!

I really haven't missed anything so far.

My mother has said really awful things she cant take back, people have advised me to go no contact. I remember wishing my life away until I could move out, when I did, it wasn't the same as living with her any more so there was no need, as she doesn't send me abuse over text. But because she isn't all bad, and is my mother, I haven't gone no contact. I don't really have the strength

Yes, it’s been a massive weight off. Actually I’ve never felt guilty, but I have felt very alone. At Christmas time when dh’s family is around and last year BIL and his partner were with us all of Christmas. His partner got a million presents sent to our house from family and was constantly on the phone to family, and it just made me realise I have no one (other than Dh and dc, who are lovely!). But no one around who remembers my childhood, no one to pass on family history or memories to me. And I certainly feel sad and cheated out of a happy family.

But I don’t feel guilty and I 100% made the right choice and I’ve never doubted it. My mum married a man who was convicted of sexually abusing his daughter, and then knowing he was a risk, facilitated contact between him and my children. I don’t believe my children were ever harmed but I do know he has abused other children since they’ve been together (she told me, though doesn’t believe it ‘counts’ as abuse as was indecent exposure, no touching 🙄). And then the cherry on the cake, after I went NC, she told everyone that I stole a large amount of money from her (in the £100ks) and cut her off because I got angry she wouldn’t give me more (all obviously untrue). I even had her friends who I didn’t even know getting in touch to tell me how horrible I was for cutting her off from her grandchildren because I stole this money. You literally can’t make this stuff up. It’s sad to see this is what her life has become. She’s lost her whole family and most friends all for some man (he’s loaded though, so I think she saw the £ signs flashing).

But I feel no regrets about closing that door for good. It’s been the most peaceful 2 years I’ve had in a long time!

I still have contact with my aunt and cousins but we don't keep in touch a lot. I get what you are saying about family time.

I think about Xmas etc. but I also got negative comments about fat/thin, hair clothes. Unprovoked. I just didn't want to make the effort to visit anymore just to be put down all the time.

Yea..6 weeks and I feel free. She's betrayed me at almost every stage of my life.. enough of that. I don't miss her and I find my life becoming peaceful 🙏 thank you for your post..it helps knowing its not just me. All my friends have amazing relationships with their mums. Used to make me sad because I kept trying to get the same, now I don't want to.

I'm glad it helped. The lack of negativity in your life really does go way further than you think in helping!

I went non contact November 2021.
I was umming and aahing about vetting in touch/going to therapy with her to open up the opportunity of a relationship, but sadly something horrifically life altering happened to one of her siblings 6 months and she hasn't been in touch with them minus a card 2 days after the event. That kind of seals the deal. Bumped intonher the other day, was cordial and quickly left but had that happened even 6 m9nths aho I would have avoided or had a severe panic attack.

I am sure you put a lot of energy into this relationship over the years and didn't make your decision easily. The fact you have found peace is all the answer you need OP. When you wish you hadn't seen someone every single time you see them and they always make you feel pain it is definitely time to walk away