Can't seem to make relationship work or break up

[Heartbreaking101]

We met late 2019, and started dating, both in our 40s neither has or wanted children, both have had adventurous lives in different ways. March 2020 comes around we go into lockdown and I'm not sure we are right for each, but we decide she should move into mine, something I would never have considered under normal circumstances, but big scary end of the world type scenario and will we ever see each other and her housing situation forced the issue.

It was really difficult, she was struggling with work and breaking down and crying almost every day, I was also stressed out, and after a while the intimacy started fading.

If that's not bad enough circumstances forced me to sell the house and move during lockdown. By the time lockdown is over she moves back to hers and we see each other at weekends but everything is still really stressful for both of us. We have a few nice moments between the stress though.

Come mid 2021 I've moved house and she's changed job and things have opened up again. Hopefully time to rekindle what we've started. No, various other incredibly shitty things happen to create more stress and I end up depressed. A health problem occurs, the new house develops a major problem which knocks me for six. By this time the intimacy has totally gone but we've become somewhat used to and dependent on each other. I go into counselling, we see each other less as she's travelling a lot with her new job and this has just kind of rolled on till now. We talk about breaking up every few months, but can't seem to do it.

I think we're both pretty much back on our feet now but there's hardly any intimacy and are seeing each other less and less.

We've tried to rekindle what we started several times but it just hasn't happened and this has been going on for a long time. I've been continually wondering whether I should have just nipped this in the bud a long time ago. But I have really wanted this to work. I'm totally heartbroken that this just can't seem to work. I thought that once things settled it would but it just hasn't. Really lost and sad now.

You sound very passive. What do you want from her? Have you told her? If not, why not? The relationship isn't going wrong because of extraneous things; healthy relationships offer support when things go wrong. It's going wrong because neither of you is offering what the other one wants.

What does she want from you? Has she told you? Have you tried to give it to her?

@Watchkeys

Yes we've told each other and have tried our best to give the other what they want.

Offering support for each other has never been a problem, it's all we've been doing in fact. There's a limit to that in reality though.

Seems like it will stay stuck in this cycle, wanting it to work isn't helping, you both have to want the same outlook for it to work. I think there will come a point when you decide to move on, perhaps come to terms with it and what you'll do as a single person, is this such a bad thing? It can be a point of self discovery, after heart break will come hope and a possibility of meeting someone more compatible for you. You don't need to drag out a relationship of fear of failure, we just outgrow them.

It's not being single I'm concerned about. I was happily single for many years before we met. I'm finding difficult to accept that it can't work with someone when both have tried and been through so much adversity together and no-ones really done anything wrong.

The other thing as well is that I'm typically ruthless in ending relationships that aren't working. This is another reason why it's confusing me so much.