Working when married DH accusation

[tusername45]

During an argument DH accused me of not working (apart from a short period of time which he acknowledged me working) since our child started school (which was a long time ago now).
The reality is that I was WFH (self-employed) since DC was born. For the first few years it was only about 8 hours a week, then increased to 16 hours a week. On top of this, when DC had started secondary school, I also did full-time work out of the home for other people for 5 years as well as self-employed work.
DH obviously knew about all of this at the time.
To say I was shocked he threw this at me was an understatement. It took me two days to recover enough to remember my entire work history to argue my case back at him.
What's gone on here?

He’s trying to rewrite history. What did he say when you remembered your work history and argued back?

Is he rewriting history? This is what they do when they've had their head turned.

I was distraught. I laid it all out to him and all he could say was 'sorry'.
I wanted to know why he thought I had only worked for a tiny fraction of that time. He had no answer. The period of time he quoted me as having worked had no relevance to anything. I stupidly suggested to him, was he thinking of the time I had worked for (X) and he replied 'maybe, yes' like he didn't even know himself. When I pointed out all the other work he said he 'must have forgotten'.

The feeling I experienced - beyond terror - was that he had made up a narrative or had had a narrative presented to him and he had somehow gone into that narrative completely as the truth.

The way you describe your feelings over this suggests to me something else is going on? Sorry if I’m wrong but are there other issues or other things going on in the relationship?

When I pointed out all the other work he said he 'must have forgotten'.

Were you also doing all the housework/childcare? Did he forget that too?

There was literally nothing going on up to the point of that argument.
I can't explain what it feels like when your spouse says something that is so false it would be laughable if it wasn't so scary. There's literally the 'evidence' that I work in our home.
Good point about the housework/childcare.

There was literally nothing going on up to the point of that argument.

There is something going on in his head.

You need to find out what it is.

OP why did you feel terror? What's happening here?

Does he often scare you?

Is he rewriting history in other ways too or do you think he just wanted to hurt you with his words?

Either he was having a bad day and looking for someone to blame, which might be forgiveable if he is normally OK, or he has a completely distorted picture of you in his head and it is time to leaving the lying bastard.

Agree this is scary. Keep alert for any other ways he might be rewriting history. I am so sorry, OP.

Turn this on him but saying you're going to make a doctor's appointment as you are worried about his memory. Say it's not normal to forget such a huge part of your wife's life and that you think he needs a really good check up.

"During an argument ".

What was the argument about?

He's up to something.

^^ this. It's when they complain to their new love about how awful you are. Luckily for me I could prove in Family Court I had contributed significantly financially and otherwise. But they dont want to believe that narrative any more.

Is that the version he tells people?

I'm wondering the same. If it was an argument about OP going back to work he might have felt in the moment like he was always carrying the financial burden, even if the reality was that it was actually a few years.

Whenever anyone was due at our home exh would be answering the door holding a dc. Passing off that clean, fed, happy dc was a result of his getting off his arse and parenting. Nobody fell for it.
Your dh is painting you similarly lazy..
He slipped up and told the tale to you.

March him up to the GP suggesting early onset dementia.

If he says no turn the terror around on him saying you need to to know beforehand what you might be facing in future.

Unless he can give you an exact reason for his original comments.

Say "aren't you concerned you forgot about all the paid, not to mention unpaid work I did? Doesn't it bother you? It can indicate your brain failing? I'm concerned even if you aren't. Would be good to know if your amnesia is medical or you were just being a "praise my mighty paid working penis" arsehole. Because there has to be an answer."

I know the feeling that you talk about. A rush of shock that they are saying what they are saying, with a mix of desperately needing to put it right instantly. Also with hurt that they are saying it in the first place for no good reason. It is akin to terror.
I would wonder why he is sprouting this nonsense now? What is he looking to achieve?
He's changing the narrative so you look bad/lazy and he's the long suffering working man.
He bloody knows what you did, he was there!

I suspect it’s a narrative that he believes (in his own echo chamber) where it was never challenged. I bet that despite his ‘apologies’ and evidence to the contrary, he still believes it.

Facts have nothing to do with his assertion, it was pure emotion, he believes him to be the only ‘worthy’ contributor to the family pot. Now you know.

I’m struggling, it took you two days to remember you worked and you felt something which was “beyond terror” because he accused you of not working, and all was fine to this point?

It does sound like he’s created a negative narrative of you. He’s either telling it other people or telling it himself, to justify something he’d otherwise be at risk of feeling guilty over.

My exh did the same! Apparently I 'never worked' and spent all his money. I went back to work when eldest DC was 7 months, took 3 months off when I had 2nd DC and regularly worked more hours than him! But as I was 'only' part time (working massive amounts of overtime, hence often working more than him) I was a lazy, money grabbing bitch. He used this narrative to justify us splitting up (I left due to him being financially/emotionally abusive) but then he started to rewrite most of our marriage.

Sounds to me like your 'D'H is engineering something (split??).

Wow, that is terrifying. When you're feeling calmer I would sit him down and explain that it made you feel afraid to hear him say something so divorced from reality, and you want to ask him what made him say that. I wonder if he's slipped up and revealed that he doesn't actually value your work at all, so in his head it's like you're not working?

I completely understand that feeling though, there is nothing like it. During an argument my DP said that years ago during another fight I had physically assaulting him with a knife. This categorically has never happened, I have never raised a hand on him or anyone for that matter. Him saying it as it were the truth, and sticking to it, is honestly one of the most frightening things that has ever happened to me. I experienced it as if the room were spinning and I could hear this roaring sound in my ears, it's insane to have your history rewritten like that. I managed to keep my cool and through repeated questioning (what house were we in? What room were we in? What knife? Where was I standing, where were you standing?) Got him to back down to "you were so angry I thought you were going to stab me". It was awful. Hearing entire years of your life being erased like that must be terrifying, definitely get to the bottom of it!