Partner doesn't want a girl

Sarah1205 · 2022-12-08T14:45:20+00:00

I'm 20 weeks pregnant with our second child. We lost our first little boy in May this year due to being born prematurely- he only survived a week. By partner has being saying he hopes this baby is a girl from when we found out we were pregnant. But last night he told me after he had a few pints that he wishes this baby is a boy because his other daughter (from a previous relationship) would be jealous. I didn't responsd when he said this. Today I feel so angry with this comment. I feel like his other kids are being out before my kids with him. I started progestrone a few days ago and wonder is this just the mood swings my Dr discussed but I feel angry and jealous.

TheDishElopedwiththeSpoon · 08/12/2022 14:59

Tell him some thoughts ate best not shared. Or not shared with the people they are likely to hurt the most.

cheshirecatssmile · 08/12/2022 15:02

Just remind him that it's his sperm that determines the sex
On repeat

ChessieDarling · 08/12/2022 15:05

Some thoughts don’t really need vocalising, shame he doesn’t seem to realise that. I wouldn’t lose much sleep over this to be honest, people often have a preference one way or the other. He’s a bit daft if he thinks his daughter would be jealous of a sister but not of a brother tho. He’s not putting them before your unborn baby, he’s (rightly imo) conscious of their thoughts and feelings.
I’m sorry for your loss 💐

CousinKrispy · 08/12/2022 15:07

Unless it's a repeated pattern, I'd try to put it aside as not that big of a deal. Many people have a passing preference that then they put aside. But nothing wrong with you telling him you found it hurtful--people should think before they speak.

So sorry about your little boy I hope everything goes well this time.

bjrce · 08/12/2022 15:11

It does sound like you've both been through a lot- honestly I wouldn't go too hard on him - his comment smacks of someone still in grief over the loss of your baby.
He is probably feeling guilty wanting a boy and his comment was completely irrational.

Try not to get angry, some men say the stupidest things sometimes, completely misguided. He is probably anxious about the pregnancy but doesn't want to be worrying you.

Be kind to yourselves.

Sprouttreesareamazing · 08/12/2022 15:12

Imo men who have further dc after a split have rushes of guilt - that their newborn will have their df full time-and the existing dc won't... He is blaming his dd's feelings when really his own are worrying him.

dworky · 08/12/2022 15:21

This would be a dealbreaker for me.
I wouldn't want to have any children at all with this man.

Itsoktogiveup · 08/12/2022 15:52

Men are idiots sometimes

Tell him to keep his dumb thoughts to himself

Progresterone messes with your emotions for sure, I cried over a Friends episode when I was on it 👀

Congratulations I hope you’re feeling well xx

Original poster

Sarah1205 · 08/12/2022 16:13

Thanks everyone, much appreciate your takes on this x

OP posts:

Nightynightnight · 08/12/2022 16:16

I can see where he's coming from but he shouldn't have said it out loud. He didn't say he wouldn't love the child if it was a girl. Just that it might be easier for his existing child. He might be right. Of course he has concerns about her feelings. That protective instinct is what will make him a great dad to your child too.

RunLolaRun102 · 08/12/2022 16:18

Just try and talk it out with him. It’s possible he’s still carrying a lot of unresolved grief.

ShesThunderstorms · 08/12/2022 16:18

Well lots of people have a preference, nothing wrong with that, but there's not much you can actually do about it when it comes down to it is there.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your little boy

NoAlexa · 09/12/2022 23:20

cheshirecatssmile · 08/12/2022 15:02

Just remind him that it's his sperm that determines the sex
On repeat

Even though that's true, op can't choose the sex...

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 09/12/2022 23:24

He maybe has conflicted feelings about if he does want a boy, because your first son was a boy and he may not want to feel like he is trying to replace him, so he's trying to justify it by saying it's because his daughter will be upset? or he is genuinely going through some worry about how his children are going to react?

I wouldn't let it bother you unless he keeps saying it. It sounds like you have both been through the mill emotionally and it might be throwing up feelings that are unexpected.

PingPongMerrilyWithPie · 09/12/2022 23:42

I'm sorry for your loss of your little boy.

From the outside it sounds like he just needs reassurance that you can both handle the jealousy if it does arise. He's not saying he wouldn't love a girl just as much. Worst case he'd have to do a little more talking about feelings with his older daughter. He might as well say he'd prefer a girl so they can bond better. Equally meaningless and would not mean for a second that he would love, want and bond with a boy any less.

We had a preference too but once they are born you just parent the child you get, whatever their gender, personality traits and preferences. We only talk about gender because we know nothing else about them.

Trees6 · 10/12/2022 00:50

I am very sorry for your loss OP.

He sounds like a good man, concerned for his daughter’s feelings. He feels he can talk candidly to you too, which speaks volumes as to the strength of your relationship. There’s lots to feel positive about here.

Herejustforthisone · 10/12/2022 06:23

I don’t understand why people ever say stupid shit like this. All it does is put a whole load of pressure on a woman entirely unable to control the sex of the baby she’s carrying. Why in earth do they do it??

SpecialTowels · 10/12/2022 06:24

Wow, that's disgusting. I'd leave him, he's jot fit to be a parent if he would treat children differently based on their sex. Horrific.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/12/2022 07:20

He’s probably cooing with both the bereavement from last time (I’m so sorry x)
and some
major guilt that he doesn’t see as much of his existing DD

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 10/12/2022 10:37

SpecialTowels · 10/12/2022 06:24

Wow, that's disgusting. I'd leave him, he's jot fit to be a parent if he would treat children differently based on their sex. Horrific.

Where on earth did you get from the OP that he's going to treat children differently based on the sex?

He's not disgusting or not fit to be a parent based on a preference for a boy or a girl, unless a large swathe of parents are also unfit.

He's a potentially still grieving father with concerns about how his daughter is going to react. He's maybe a little insensitive, and as some posters have pointed out it's unfair to put possible pressure on the woman but off this snapshot I think it's a massive over reaction to tell the OP to leave him

PlaitBilledDuckyPuss · 10/12/2022 10:52

Perhaps encourage him to think about what he can do to help his daughter not feel jealous, rather than worrying about something he can't control.

SpecialTowels · 10/12/2022 12:39

If I was pregnant and the father said they "don't want a girl" then yes, I'd leave them. It's an horrendous attitude. Poor little girl if she is one, to be unwanted by her father before she's even been born. I think it's very messed up that you think that's ok.

Heavyraindropsarefallingonmyhead · 10/12/2022 13:23

SpecialTowels · 10/12/2022 12:39

If I was pregnant and the father said they "don't want a girl" then yes, I'd leave them. It's an horrendous attitude. Poor little girl if she is one, to be unwanted by her father before she's even been born. I think it's very messed up that you think that's ok.

He hasn't said he doesn't want a girl, he said he wanted a boy because he was worried about his daughters reaction. Prior to that he even said he wanted a girl.

You have a man who has lost a son, and is now expecting (I use that in the anticipatory use of the word not genuinely expecting as in pregnant) another child.

He probably felt like he couldn't 'want' another boy because it would feel like he was saying he wanted to replace his first son. Having a child after losing one is full of complex emotions, some of which he may not have processed or fully articulated.

So he feels like he can't say he wants a boy. Meanwhile he's legitimately concerned about his daughters reaction to another baby, which is common in families, but particularly in blended families where he is probably concerned around the fact that his current daughter probably only sees him part time and a new baby will see him full time. Rightly or wrongly he may believe that if the new baby is a boy his daughter will feel less replaced.

He seems genuinely concerned about his current daughter and the OP gives no indication he is a bad father to her so I'm not sure why we should jump to the conclusion that he doesn't want girls/he's a bad father to girls.

In fact it's perfectly normal to hear people articulate they want a boy or a girl and not something that normally causes a breakup.

It was a drunken perhaps insensitive comment from a man who has been through a traumatic loss who is probably worried that no matter which sex the baby he is going to be left with feelings of guilt that the new baby is replacing one child or another, whilst worrying about his daughters reaction to a new baby.

What he actually needs (in the absence of the OP telling us he is in fact an arse) is a neutral third party to talk to work through his emotions and concerns. Not for his pregnant partner to leave him because he admits it might be easier for his daughter if they have a son.

5128gap · 10/12/2022 16:08

I wanted my second DC to be a boy for the same reason. Not a huge deal, but a preference. Its not unusual to think of the feelings of a first child who is already here, when having a second. I actually think it makes him a good father to consider his DDs feelings. He's showing empathy. It doesn't mean she will be more important, just that she has equal importance. As she should.
I too am sorry for your loss and wish you all the best.

5128gap · 10/12/2022 16:11