Online dating - advice needed/who are you choosing

[Rochellebee]

When you online date - who do you give a chance? I’m wondering if I’m too picky. When I message with someone I really need to click over text to go out with that person. When someone is too pushy to meet I avoid. When someone writes short answers I avoid. Am I doing it right ? Or do you just exchange minimum texts and if he is attractive you go out with him and see if you click in person? Is it possible to click in person with person you didn’t click with over the text?

I've never done online dating but I'd personally go out with someone who seemed articulate enough in their first few messages and who was keen to meet. Where's the harm in that?

The thing is you match and exchange messages with so many people …. Normally in past I would wait for some big connection over messages to actually go out with that person. This time online dating everyone seems to annoy me a bit with grammar mistakes or being too in hurry or not asking enough questions and I’m wondering if I should just go out with some or wait for that connection (in the past that usually led to relationships). Just wondering if people do the same or just pick maybe attractiveness/goals and go straight for a date …

For me, I like to make sure that the messages flow well for a while before i give my number out. However, some people just aren't good with texts and really dislike it! They could be the perfect conversationalist in person. It's a tricky one! But on the whole I need to feel that vibe before meeting for sure.

My DP who I have been seeing for 8 months and was a dry texter. We matched old. Enough to maintain a conversation and find out about each other, but was a bit boring. I matched with him when I had covid and he was a distraction, but also cute in pictures. He asked me out for dinner and I was really wanting to go out after covid, so agreed. He also seemed really nice. Superficially I would have been a bit hesitant as I was worried we would have nothing to talk about.

in person he was really talkative and better than his photos. We spoke for ages before we ordered. Started in a quiet restaurant and ended up leaving hours later and it was full. His texting is rubbish and only for plans or a quick check in. Just accepted he doesn’t do texts.

conversely I went on a date with an amazing texter, lots of witty texts. In person he was so shy and didn’t talk more than 1 word. After date lots more of amazing texts. He wasn’t for me.

I'd weed out obvious creeps, but meet anyone who appeared not to be weird and I liked the look of. The first guy I wasn't able to see for a few weeks so we texted in that time - but when we met up he turned out to be pining over his last ex. The lengthy texting just made it embarrassing to turn down a second date. After that I kept it short and sweet: a bit of texting, then meet up to see if they are worth dating. Meeting in real life tells you so much more about the person. Been with my partner 6 years now. He's dyslexic, not a keen texter, and his sense of humour only comes across in person.

Don't get invested before meeting/ read anything much into text conversations unless they say something offputting. I would meet someone who seemed intelligent, polite and keen, as well as throwing in a few jokes. See the first date as your first impression, not a text chat (although a video or voice call to check you can hold a conversation isn't a bad idea). Honestly, I had so many promising text chats that translated into zero chemistry.

There's no rules. Nobody can answer your question except you. Some people only date those they think are amazing. Some people date anyone who sends them a message. Nobody is doing it right or wrong.

If you date people who have done something that annoys you, then you are getting into something with someone you have found annoying. If you only date people who say amazing things, you'll date less people, but, unless your aim is to 'play the field', just having one date and meeting the perfect partner would be ideal, so 'having loads of date' isn't an imperative.

What are you looking for? If you want lots of dates, meet people who might be a bit below 'dream partner' standard. If you want a long term relationship with a compatible partner, ignore anyone who doesn't seem incredible.

I tend to find that some people who are articulate at writing aren't that great at chatting in person, so you never can tell.
Having said that, short answers would mean the flow stops dead, so that would be a no if no questions asked in return.
Before meeting, it's good to know if they show signs of not being over their last ex.
I weed out any signs of creepiness, extreme right-winged views, objectification of women etc. Also aim to meet about a week from chatting, any more than that is time wasted if it doesn't come to anything , you don't want a pen-pal.

I didn't expect to feel a lot of "spark" at first with people (I prefer to get to know them slowly anyway) but I was very picky and immediately discarded anyone I felt uncomfortable with or just blah about in the chatting stage (or I just swiped left to begin with).

I did meet someone lovely and I managed to avoid any dick pics, creepy stalkers, scary dates, etc. in the process. That might have been more luck than my technique, though. An awful lot of it is sheer luck!

If you want lots of dates, meet people who might be a bit below 'dream partner' standard. If you want a long term relationship with a compatible partner, ignore anyone who doesn't seem incredible.
Or, if you want a long-term relationship with a compatible partner but also have a couple of hours to spare, you can still date people whose online profile doesn't knock you off your feet. Might just give you a few extra "hi and bye" dates, or one of them might turn out to be your dream partner after all. I initially dated my partner as a fun summer fling, thinking we were totally different types - me more organised, him a bit chaotic - but it turned out that I'd misjudged him.

I used to go to a first brief (coffe-type) date with anyone polite and reasonably intelligent.

Theres no point texting for ages and then there’s no spark- what a waste of everyone’s time!

The mind tends to make up what it can’t see, so it’s possible to create a false persona in your head then get confused and disappointed.

I was on OLD for about 3 years, met my lovely husband on there.

I know how you feel, I am quite picky with the effort made in messages when OLD, I think it shows more about someone's actual intentions if they take the time to actually get to know you and show interest.

In the past the pushy messages to immediately meet or exchange numbers, etc put me off thinking they are clearly just looking for a hook up. After all what's the rush? Also the minimal copy and paste messages don't engage me. I'm not OLD for small talk, I'm here for a connection and to get to know someone.

In a way it does wheedle out the timewasters but if someone has actually given the time on their profile I could be swayed to give them a chance because they may just not want to be too full on.

I honestly don’t think you can tell. Helpful I know. When I was dating I was chatting to a guy who id married in my head, we had so much in common, he was a bit of a hippy like me and we even had the same rare breed of dog. When we met it was an instant no. First time I’ve ever been on a date and neither of us even bothered to message to say thanks at the end. 🤣 Just zero chemistry at all.
My DH did the whole short messages, text speak thing that would normally have me running for the hills, but my god am I glad I gave him a chance as he’s the most emotionally intelligent human being I’ve ever met with the heart of a lion. And he no longer text types. 🙈

I think that people that aren't picky must go through so many boring dates. I'd rather be more picky and find out a little about them first before going on a date, quite often then I decide for whatever reason, I don't want to date them which saves me the time of going on a date in the first place that I'm not excited about.

Communication from the start has to work in the same style as you, if they aren't a messager and you are, what happens when you have a relationship, you end up frustrated.

Or for an experiment on a date with someone that doesn't have much to say, see if your pickiness is reasonable or luck.

I wasn't "picky" - I guess, if spending ages chatting, or only meeting super-candidates is what defines that :) - but I never had a boring date. Even if if didn't fancy a second date, I enjoyed going out and meeting a new person and finding out if we would get on. I was excited about what would happen. But otoh, as I hadn't built anything up in my head, I wasn't disappointed if there was no second date - especially if I had another date planned with Man B the week after! I'd have a favourite, but wasn't expecting anything. It was fun :)

In my limited enough experience, texting wasn't a great indication on whether they'd be any chemistry or not. If you like their pics (and they're are enough good quality pics to know) and you get a good feel, meet for a coffee. You can only really tell in person if you're going to click or not