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Relationships

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Original poster

Pregnant and partner has told me he loves me but isn’t in love with me anymore

21 replies

Aud1988 · 08/12/2022 10:25

I’ve been with my partner for almost 5 years. He’s never wanted to get married and commit to me. I’ve gotten over nagging about it.
I am 34 and he is 29. We’ve had a rocky relationship. Always having its ups and downs. We’ve been in couples therapy for a few months now and it’s been going well. We hadn’t fought in a long time.
Recently I just found out I am pregnant. He seemed to be excited. A couple of days later we had a stupid fight which escalated with him telling me he loves me but wasn’t in love with me anymore, that he didn’t want to be with me and he just didn’t care about our relationship.
He spoke to me when he had calmed down and unleashed that he resented my family because we live so close to each other. Which I found such a stupid excuse. He told me that he could never fully commit to me.
I know in a few days he will take what he said back but his words are damaging me. I feel so insecure in this relationship and very unsupported by him.
I never wanted to be a single mum but at this stage I can no longer deal with the heart ache he causes me. One minute he loves me and a few months later he’s telling me he isn’t in love with me anymore.
I’d love some advice? Has anyone had a similar experience? Thanks

OP posts:

category12 · 08/12/2022 10:35

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

I think the fact he's never wanted to commit to you is what you should have heeded.

Unfortunately you've always accepted less than you wanted or needed from the relationship - and now you're pregnant it's coming to a head. You actually need more stability and not to have an on off turbulent relationship if you're going to raise a child.

I think you deserve more than he's ever been prepared to offer you.

While you stay with him, you're closing the door to other opportunities. You're also not doing your own self-esteem any good.

I'd aim to co-parent amicably and maintain higher expectations of future partners rather than dropping your hopes to be with anyone.

VisaGeezer · 08/12/2022 10:36

I'm really sorry to say this but it sounds like his constant has been lack of commitment, lack of "love", lack of enthusiasm etc.

I can't see that changing

There's a theme behind your entire relationship by the sound of it

Babies and young children put tremendous strain on the strongest of relationships.

I would honestly prep yourself as best you possibly can for single motherhood.

I hope if/when you split, you can meet someone better, who cares about you abd wants to commit to you. It's perfectly possible.

This guy doesn't sound like he ever has truly and still doesn't. He seems to have just "gone along". He's saying it out loud, repeatedly ... Yet you seem to think it's meaningless. I think it has meaning.

I'm sorry to say this.

VisaGeezer · 08/12/2022 10:37

It's a v good thing that your family are near by and close to you.

Hoppinggreen · 08/12/2022 10:43

I agree, it’s good you have a close family as you will need them.
Did you hope he would suddenly change when you got pg?
He hasn’t committed to you before and he’s not now so accept the idea of doing this on your own, it will sake a lot of heartache later

2bazookas · 08/12/2022 10:52

It's over. You're going to be a single woman again.

If you don't want to be a single parent you still have the option of termination.

Billslills · 08/12/2022 10:54

"One minute he loves me and a few months later he’s telling me he isn’t in love with me anymore"

Read your own words over and over again. You deserve better than this. I hope you believe it and take action soon! It isn't going to improve.

Taxistaxing · 08/12/2022 10:57

I am assuming that realistically you have 4 choices. 1. Don't continue the pregnancy and end the relationship 2. Don't continue the pregnancy but continue the relationship 3. Continue the pregnancy but end the relationship 4. Continue the pregnancy and the relationship.

If it were me, I would consider what is fair for a potential child. Is it fair for them to be brought into the world into an environment that has never been stable? A child is for life not just for Xmas and deserves two parents that appreciate that, and for me, if I thought that that was genuinely going to be the case (and not wishful thinking that things will improve/change) then that would influence the biggest decision for me, regardless of the outcome of what happens to the relationship.

Sorry if my views are not the most popular, they are not meant to offend.

fruitbrewhaha · 08/12/2022 10:57

If you already argue and need couples therapy where is this relationship heading?

I’d terminate the pregnancy and the relationship if it were me.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/12/2022 10:58

Do you want to be a single mum now you know it’s highly likely to happen? Do you want a baby at this point in your life? You’ve got options if you don’t. People always say a baby is a big commitment between a couple but it’s not true. It’s a commitment from whomever wants the baby to the baby. He could walk tomorrow and you’d never see him again. It wasn’t planned, you know after 5 years he’s never wanted to commit to you, tbh you knew the deal with him and have accepted it but a baby is always going to change things and with a bloke that it wasn’t ever going to be for the better.

So it’s up to you what you do next. But being messed around by this sort of stupid pronouncement isn’t going to help you so I’d accept what he’s said as being the truth of how he really feels and put an end to the farce of trying to make someone commit when he’s clearly said he won’t. If you’re going to be a mum it’s time to stop fighting who he is and face your reality.

SomeBeings · 08/12/2022 10:59

If he is such an uncaring and uncommitted partner then he may well be an uncaring and uncommitted father. Do you really want to deal with the implications of that for you and a child for years and years? If it's early days and you are ok with abortion then I'd have an abortion and leave him. There's nothing wrong with being a single parent but it's rough to inflict a guy like that on someone else. Having a shite father really messes with some people.

NippyWoowoo · 08/12/2022 11:01

I’ve been with my partner for almost 5 years. He’s never wanted to get married and commit to me.

I mean. What else is there to say? He won't commit to you pregnant either

FlowerArranger · 08/12/2022 11:02

He’s never wanted to get married and commit

He told you loud and clearly, repeatedly, verbally and through his actions, that you are not 'the one', but you chose not to listen.

You badgering him to come to couple's counselling but he never really engaged with this. He was just using it as a means of keeping you on board

Very sorry, but his is the truth, and there is absolutely nothing you can do to change this.💐

Your options are to have a termination (if there's still time), or prepare for life as a single mother.

Aikko · 08/12/2022 11:32

It's almost a dead cert that he will eventually give up and run off, leaving you as the single mother.

He'll probably find someone else younger, get them pregnant as well- and repeat the same process all over.

He never wanted to commit to you after 5 YEARS. That should have been enough of a warning, but you are where you are. Some of the above posters have laid out your options. All the best.

CosmopolitanPlease · 08/12/2022 11:46

fruitbrewhaha · 08/12/2022 10:57

If you already argue and need couples therapy where is this relationship heading?

I’d terminate the pregnancy and the relationship if it were me.

I agree. Sorry OP but I would draw a line and move onwards and upwards.

Usernameisunavailable · 08/12/2022 11:58

It looks like your relationship has run its course. If it doesn’t end now, then it will very soon, realistically. Probably better for you to take control now and work out how you are going to co-parent as two individuals rather than a couple. Better to get your single parent support network in place from the start, whether that be support from family, nursery place or childminder, rather than start off with him and then have to pull something together at short notice if you split after the baby is born. It’s a crappy situation, but the writing is on the wall. A baby won’t magically fix the cracks in your relationship, it’s more likely to get worse unfortunately.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 08/12/2022 12:08

This was me once about 17 years ago

I terminated the pregnancy

Best decision I ever made

I know have an amazing partner, have gone on to have 2 kids and although they are challenging I'm in a much better place than I would have been

Think carefully about it would be my best advice

tunthebloodyalarmoff · 08/12/2022 12:13

Sorry but this is classic cheaters script. I think his got someone else

MillyMollyManky · 08/12/2022 12:15

It sounds as if this relationship is over and unfortunately was never going to be what you hoped- he has shown you through his actions (and now his words) that he will not commit.

I think your choice is between single motherhood or a termination (although I note you haven't said how far along you are). This is such a personal decision and I wouldn't let anyone influence you as to the right way ahead. It may be that you know what you want to do- if not can you talk to a trusted friend or family member, or else a counsellor, to help you get your thoughts straight?

Good luck.

girlmom21 · 08/12/2022 12:20

OP you knew he didn't want to commit. You can't accept that someone won't commit to you and then expect that to change because you're pregnant.

You need stability and security for yours and babies sakes. Don't let him decide how this plays out.

gaf · 08/12/2022 12:28

Your relationship should have ended a long time ago, it’s been five years of plodding on, you both should have moved on. He’s been telling you loud and clear he doesn’t want to commit.

You need to decide to do this as a single parent or end the pregnancy because you aren’t going to be doing this together.

poetryandwine · 08/12/2022 18:12

I also don’t think he is ever going to give you the commitment you want. You deserve better. Even if you decide to continue this pregnancy, it will ultimately be easier to do so as a single woman with self esteem than within this relationship that will cost you a bit of self confidence and self esteem every day.

If you do have the baby, by all means claim all the financial support you are entitled to

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