We (early and mid forties) met just before covid on a dating site. Man of my dreams and waited so long for him. We had the most amazing time together that first year, even in lockdown.
We fell pregnant (unplanned) 18 months in and now have a beautiful baby boy.
I lived in rented accommodation with others until I moved in with boyfriend last September when six months pregnant.
In the past 18 months we have dealt with:
- A flood in his flat preventing me from moving in when I got pregnant and the stress of fixing that flood over a period of many months
- Moving in with someone for the first time in my life, pregnant
- Moving to a brand new area (me)
- Making brand new friends (me)
- Putting his flat on the market a year ago and having our onward purchase fall through TWICE since March 22 at the point of exchange
- Still being in a one bed flat now
- A traumatic birth
- Living together in a confined space since January
- Being on maternity leave and losing a sense of identity
- Increasing arguments and many many melt downs
When I first met my partner I fell head over heels and still was up until I had our son. I saw the good in everything he did - he is attentive, practical, fun, helpful, affectionate and so much more. Everything changed then, everything. Since then, I have become an angry and resentful person and I actually hate myself a lot of the time. I treat him badly :( I react ALL the time and lose my temper, I blame him for everything, I resent him a lot and see all his faults - not quick enough with bottles, not doing it right, not saying it right. I feel contempt towards him. Im so utterly bored of our relationship as we never do anything together anymore. We have no family around us. And If I was me, I would have dumped me way before now.
Last night our boy was crying every hour which rarely happens while bf slept in the living room (to get a good sleep) and being woken up every hour is horrendous - I got angry and shouted at him for not bringing the bottle quick enough and the calpol syringe was wrong. I feel like such a POS today. He doesn't deserve my behaviour, it is abusive and wrong. He can do no right.
I resent that our relationship as I knew it in the beginning is gone forever and I think I am taking it out on him. I grieve the old us and cant seem to find a way to a better place. We start couples counselling on Sunday, but I just dont know. I dont know if I even love him anymore and feel like something has died inside. I dont know what happened. :(
Can anyone relate? Please dont be too harsh on me. I am aware I sound like an awful person but Im a great Mum and adore and do everything for our little boy. Im just a shitty partner. :(
Please help me.