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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can this rship ever work?

17 replies

JustTheOpposite · 08/12/2022 00:54

Can a relationship survive without communication?

I been in an on/off relationship with a guy for quite a while. Needless to say things have never been perfect and to a point its quite volatile. The reasons for this stem from a huge lack of communication and emotional input on his part, to the point of a general conversation is, in my views, forced small talk.

He's aware that I want/need verbal and emotional stimulation but says this is something he struggles with. He doesn't communicate about anything, he rarely initiates a conversation and would rather sit and stew or immediately walk away in any form of disagreement. He's obviously not non verbal because he can quite happily text essays and arguments quite freely. He's very physical but at times I feel suffocated by that because the regular couple stuff isn't there. Everything we do together would be no different than if he wasn't here doing it with me, if that makes sense. If I'm honest, it's pretty boring and I'm struggling to find a reason to stay or to fix things He knows all this, we've had countless break ups and he's promised, begged and pleaded that things will change, he will try more, etc. But it never happens.

I want a partner who can support and comfort me without needing to be told what to do. I want to be able to have a conversation without having to constantly think of the topic and how to keep it flowing. I want to be able to feel that I have something to miss when he's not around. I want to feel interesting and special. But none of that is there.

I really dont know what im hanging on to, ive known this guy for years (outside of the relationship), and im wondering if its perhaps a trauma bond sort of thing being the reason why i cant just block and get on with it.

Is this normal? Is there any way this could ever be resolved? I plan to relocate in the new year for work and a fresh start, so do I use that as my motivation to break free from this relationship or give it one last shot?

OP posts:
JustTheOpposite · 08/12/2022 00:54

Wow that was long, sorry but didn't wanted to give a full view of things. Thank you if you managed to read it all.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 08/12/2022 00:55

Why on earth would you want a relationship with someone like that? It sounds horrific. Can you imagine what your life would be like? Seriously, I wouldn't walk away from this, I would run.

Wiloswisp · 08/12/2022 00:57

I’d definitely go with a fresh start and be sure to go nc the minute you leave. Good luck for the future.

OldFan · 08/12/2022 01:17

I think you answered your own question really OP. That's a lot of downsides and nothing really worth saving.

Also you say it might be a trauma bond- has more stuff happened?

JustTheOpposite · 08/12/2022 01:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/12/2022 01:46

The only thing I think is maybe you think any relationship is better than none. Because a relationship without communication isn't really a relationship.

JustTheOpposite · 08/12/2022 01:53

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/12/2022 01:46

The only thing I think is maybe you think any relationship is better than none. Because a relationship without communication isn't really a relationship.

@MrsTerryPratchett I don't think that's true. I am perfectly happy when I'm single and when we've broken up I feel somewhat free, like I can be me. There's honestly not much difference to the relationship than me being single anyways it would seem, apart from there being someone beside me on the sofa.

I think the issue is that we live in the same area so I can't seem to get rid of him. We bump into eachother when I'm going shopping, he turns up at my door regularly either drunk or to post something through my letterbox, will randomly call or send me messages. Its like I can't be free because he won't let me be and for some stupid reason I cave and just open the door back to strangers sitting in a room.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 08/12/2022 01:55

he won't let me be

Then you desperately need to put yourself first.

JustTheOpposite · 08/12/2022 02:03

That's why I've accepted a job that gives me the chance to relocate in the NY. I am fully ready to concentrate on me, my boundaries and my future, so this is my opportunity for a new start. I will be staying NC now.

I just had a question that if it would be possible for things to ever change and actually work? If they could... what would it take for that happen?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 08/12/2022 02:07

No

Nein

Non

Neen

And no in every other language. People rarely change and they don't ever do it because we want them to. Really, really, I know whereof I speak.

SunflowerTed · 08/12/2022 02:07

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/12/2022 01:46

The only thing I think is maybe you think any relationship is better than none. Because a relationship without communication isn't really a relationship.

This.

ZaphodDent · 08/12/2022 02:40

The things you are describing are really fundamental personality traits. He's not going to miraculously suddenly change.

New year, new you, get rid, move on.

Mynoodlesareoodles · 08/12/2022 02:47

You met when you were a teen and he was in his late 20s - that's already a red flag. He turns up at your house drunk. Is 'very physical' but is unable to have a basic conversation. Leave him, don't respond to him, call the police if you feel unsafe.

Smooshface · 08/12/2022 06:18

You feel better when you are not in this relationship, that would tell me all i need to know to be honest.

If he hasn't changed so far he never will, you've given him several chances and it hasn't made a difference. Fool me once etc.

category12 · 08/12/2022 06:43

It seems like he's keeping you in a relationship you don't want, maybe because of the power dynamics of age or what happened before.

With him turning up everywhere you are and being unable to avoid him, give some thought to whether this is deliberate on his part? Is it coincidence or is he actually stalking you?

It's interesting that he turns up drunk and rather than turn him away, you let him in. Are you afraid of a scene, or are you afraid of him?

I feel like maybe there's some element where you're actually afraid of him or what he might do underneath all this, which may be the "Gift of Fear".

I'm glad you're leaving the area and relationship.

But you really need to work on boundaries and why you're not in control of who you're dating. Do you know the shark cage analogy? I think you may need to build a better shark cage.

JustTheOpposite · 08/12/2022 14:24

Thank you everyone, its just as I thought. I will be using this fresh start to finally end things once and for all.

OP posts:
Raveon2000 · 08/12/2022 14:49

Just wondering if you are with my ex??
Regardless, run, this wi never fulfill you.
I did this for years, on again off again, no communication. Big promises, never changed. I'm so much happier with new man now

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