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Original poster

Getting over a break in trust.

20 replies

rosewithrhubarb · 08/12/2022 00:02

Something happened recently where my DP was allegedly kissing another female behind my back.

He denies it. I am still not sure.

That above isn't really relevant. The point of my post is for some hope that a good strong relationship can be rebuilt after a break in trust or a doubt in trust. I don't want to give up on the relationship whatever, I am a strong woman who can make my own choice and am happy to stand by choosing to stay with him. Not because I can't do better or because I am weak, just simply because I get a great deal of enjoyment from the relationship. We don't live together or have kids together.

Any helpful stories from anyone who has been through it would be good to hear

OP posts:
pedanticromantic · 08/12/2022 00:19

You said it:
'I am a strong woman who can make my own choice and am happy to stand by choosing to stay with him. Not because I can't do better or because I am weak, just simply because I get a great deal of enjoyment from the relationship.'

That is the crux of the matter. You are free to choose to spend your time with the person whose company you clearly enjoy. It is a grown-up way of looking at things - that you can move past this hurt simply because this is the man you enjoy spending time with. You can change your mind at any time, but as long as it is your choice, there is power in that knowledge. The old-fashioned term would be - don't cut off your nose to spite your face. Work out what you really want, and do it. If you continue the relationship you'll have to really try to put this out of your mind. If you find yourself dwelling on it over time, then it might be best to end it.

OldFan · 08/12/2022 01:10

As long as you enjoy it you can stay with a cheat I suppose.

The only downside is there's an increased risk of future unhappiness coming from the relationship if you find out he's cheated again.

GreyCarpet · 08/12/2022 01:36

He denies it. I am still not sure.

I think this is the part that will come back to bite you on the ass.

At the moment, you're saying this bit isn't relevant. As time goes by, I think this bit will become increasingly relevant and grow in magnitude until its all you can see.

Trust can only be rebuilt, once damaged, if you believe you are in possession of all the facts and move forward on that basis.

If you aren't in possession of the facts or don't believe you are, what exactly are you basing the rebuilt trust on? Because ura not their honesty and integrity, is it?

Without that, all you've got is burying your head in the sand and sticking your fingers in your hears until the voice in your head is screaming too loudly to ignore. And, at that point, you'll feel its too late to walk

I'm not suggesting it's not possible for some couples to rebuild the trust, just that you need to be rebuilding on solid foundations and you're not sure he's being honest with you.

In a relationship, I start from a point of trust (because I wouldn't date someone I had cause to think was untrustworthy) but I wouldn't spend any time at all trying to fix something someone else has broken.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/12/2022 01:39

He denies it. I am still not sure.

I think this is the part that will come back to bite you on the ass.

This. You can forgive and move forward with honestly and regret. Him denying it and you thinking he did it? There's no forward motion.

Original poster
rosewithrhubarb · 08/12/2022 02:07

I have been friends with this person for over 15 years and only in the last year has it moved on to more.

If I felt that shit about it I would end the relationship. The trouble is I am not sure it would be that easy to return to being just friends when you have a different chemistry going on.

It would be good to hear stories of successfully getting over a break in trust. It doesn't even have to be cheating, my ex lied about money and losing loads of it because he was careless. I forgave him and moved on (it wasn't the reason behind our relationship ending)

As I write this I realise how relaxed I am in life and perhaps I should have been around in the 60's Grin

Happiness is key to my life and being healthy. I focus on those elements and I feel like strength to move on is positive. Obviously if it happened again that would be a different feeling (I think)

OP posts:
Original poster
rosewithrhubarb · 08/12/2022 02:08

@MrsTerryPratchett

I am not sure if he did it or not to be honest.

OP posts:
Crazypaving22 · 08/12/2022 06:54

You've already made your decision. It's quite clear you want to stay and see no reason to split.

That's ok.

If you go to worse case scenario that kissing another woman is not a deal breaker for you that's fine.

Happiness is great, but feeling safe is also key, you may find that the huge elephant in the room could raise its head on his next night out etc.

Of course trust can be rebuilt, it's MN nonsense that it can't BUT rug sweeping does not do this.

category12 · 08/12/2022 06:57

OK, you don't have significant ties like kids or a shared home now, what of the future? Is it intended you'll just stay dating forever?

YoSofi · 08/12/2022 07:15

It wouldn’t be the kiss, it would be the denial.

How to you rebuild trust with someone who can lie to your face? You’ll never know if he’s telling you the truth about anything so how can there be any trust again?

YoSofi · 08/12/2022 07:15

Do*

Strugglinglikemad · 08/12/2022 07:17

My DH and I had a breach in trust about a year ago. It was bad enough that we lived apart for a few months and I seriously considered our future. The thing that saved us was the fact that he was prepared to talk and answer my questions. We had counselling together which was really helpful and I didn't stop crying/asking/etc until I was satisfied. I still have moments of feeling unsettled but I deal with it and we both know that we are on our final chance so trust has to be maintained. Counselling really made the difference for us.

KangarooKenny · 08/12/2022 07:27

How much do you trust the person that told you ?
I went on a work night out and got VERY drunk, but I do remember going home, I remember the whole journey. Next time I was in work I was told that I had kissed a man that was with our group. Now, I didn’t fancy that man, and I never kissed any men when I was out, I was utterly faithful to my partner. Yet that one person saying that has haunted me ever since, and put doubt in my mind. I didn’t ask anyone else who was out as I was embarrassed. That happened over 20 years ago and I still think about it.
Dont let someone ruin your relationship.

lightand · 08/12/2022 07:30

You can do what you like.

More depends on him doesnt it?

Zanatdy · 08/12/2022 07:35

You can’t rebuild trust when he’s not admitted it. Maybe it didn’t happen, maybe it did. I’d personally like to be told the truth and make my decision based on that. That’s what would worry me the most, that he is potentially lying to me.

GreyCarpet · 08/12/2022 07:47

As I write this I realise how relaxed I am in life and perhaps I should have been around in the 60's

Oh dear...

I know plenty of people who were 'around in the 60s' and they generally only trusted people who were honest with them too.

As someone else said, it's not the kiss that's the issue. It's the denial. Which is why I focused on that in my other post and not the kiss at all.

The kiss might well be meaningless to you and there isn't anything wrong with that. But you can't trust someone who isn't honest either you because dishonesty makes them untrustworthy.

crochetandacuppa · 08/12/2022 07:51

You can only ‘get over it’ if you know what you’re getting over. Your other half needs to tell you the truth about what happened, show remorse and cut off any contact with the other woman before you can even consider reconciling. Rebuilding a relationship after infidelity is hard. It requires a lot of work, honesty and vulnerability on both sides and it can take a long time for the betrayed partner to feel safe in the relationship. If he won’t
tell you what‘s happened then it’s a non-starter.

Autumntimeagain · 08/12/2022 10:09

It's the never 'knowing' for sure what actually happened that will eat away at you over time.

You'll find your mind wondering whether he's being 'truthful' about other evenings he's out without you. Or if he's late home, or goes out more often when he didn't used to etc

You'll find yourself wanting to find out more from whoever told you he kissed someone else too. Because if he's telling the 'truth', then why would someone 'make it up' ? Do they want to sabotage your relationship ? Why ?

You will never, ever be 100% 'certain' about him again...

littleburn · 08/12/2022 21:41

Well if you 'choose to stay' as you say you intend to, is that on the basis that you believe his denials (i.e. the kiss didn't happen), or is it on the basis that you believe it did happen, but are ok with him lying to you about it? If it's the latter then the way you 'get past it' is by not prioritising honesty and trust in your relationship. For me personally those qualities are non-negotiable, regardless of how much fun someone is to be with in the moment, but that's just me.

Idontdoyoga · 09/12/2022 23:25

I believe it’s possible to get over it. It takes work but I believe it can be done. Do whatever it takes, but do it together.

I’m all for a more measured, thoughtful approach. Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water and if you generally enjoy your relationship with him keep it going but keep your antennae up for as long as you feel you need to.

leighqt · 10/12/2022 09:56

In my experience no trust cannot be completely rebuilt from my experience, however hearsay is all together different from fact.

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