Should I be concerned

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My bf of 4 months is in the end stages of a fairly acrimonious divorce, 2 years separated. His ex wife cheated and behaves fairly appallingly, I know he was absolutely devastated and as a result hates her for ruining their family so he would never take her back but she definitely takes up a lot of his headspace. It's like he's a bit obsessed (and I don't mean full on obsessed but she's just too prominent in his mind for my liking) with her but not in a lustful way. He found out today that she has a new bf and he did admit he found it a bit hurtful. Is this a normal reaction at this stage? They were married about 15 years so I kind of get it, it's her first relationship since they split. He's very open with me about his feelings which is really good and healthy in lots of ways, long term I see this as an absolute perk. I can't decide if he's almost over sharing some of this or if it's better I'm in the picture about how he feels.

I don't doubt his feelings for me, we are otherwise in a great position and both talking about the future etc. just every now and again I get a bit confused about his position in terms of moving on mentally and getting to that magic point of indifference.

Part of me thinks it's normal when he's so embroiled in the divorce, part of me thinks right guy wrong time. He does reassure me he has zero feelings for her at all and I do believe that, so I'm not jealous of her as much as just eyerolling every time she's mentioned. It's never anything positive. Should I stick this out and see if it settles once the divorce is done and she's not as prominent in his life? That's happening early in the NY so not long to go. My ex also causes his fair share of drama and features in more conversations than I'd like so I'm maybe a bit pot kettle black!

He's with you, but hurt that she has also now met someone? Odd. I understand she ended it but demonstrating this double standard could be a sign that he hasn't really moved on.

Doesn’t sound like he’s ready to be dating. She’s already had an affair, why’s he rattled by her dating when he’s doing the same? He obviously has plenty of feelings for her, if he hates her he’s giving her a huge amount of his energy. The opposite of love isn’t hate it’s indifference.

I’d walk away and tell him to come back if and when he’s sorted his shit out and if you’re still single. It must be taking up a lot of your headspace too when you’re meant to be in the fun sexy honeymoon part.

To be fair though we are in the fun sexy honeymoon part, never felt this way about anyone and tbh I'm not in any doubt he feels the same. Everything is perfect, other than the fact she's in his head so much. She's constantly up to something so I do kind of get it but can't make up my mind if it's normal given his situation and will settle down once they're divorced and agreed on finances etc and I should be supportive. (I'll be going through all this next year too!) Or if he's still struggling too much with it all and I need to pull back and give him space 🤔

Sounds far from perfect to me
You shouldn't be having to hear about his ex at all

@page1of4 hes definitely still got feelings for her. Why would he find it hurtful she’s got a new BF otherwise? If he is consumed by her after 2 years split up, then I think you know the answer. You are starting a relationship with a man still emotionally involved with someone else. And who knows how long it will take him to detach if he still isn’t?

I don’t think it’s particularly that he’s got feelings for her, he sounds like he’s just still reeling/hurt from everything that happened. It took a long time for me to get over the bombshell that my ex threw into my life when he cheated and left. I guess I was a bit fixated on him for a while. I didn’t want him back, I was just jealous that his life had moved on so easily. I wasn’t ready for another relationship at that stage…

Yeah I think I think what you do. He doesn't understand it and was massively traumatised. I think he's nearly there but not quite. Probably won't be able to properly move on until divorce all finalised but do I throw away what we have or hold on a few more weeks and see what the fallout is? I can support him through it no problem, I just sometimes feel like a bit of a consolation prize, despite his feelings for me being enough in their own right at this stage. It's a weird feeling

I'd disengage.

He's clearly not over things and being involved with a man like that will result in upset when he realises he's not ready to be in a relationship.

To be fair though we are in the fun sexy honeymoon part

Listening to your boyfriend go on about his wife doesn’t sound like much fun.

Sorry, but you are the rebound.

He is definitely not over her and not ready for another relationship, as much as you might want him to be.

He's behaving as expected for a person who was long term married and is going through a difficult divorce with betrayal.
So be warned, most people in his situation would get consumed with it, which is why it's wise to stay away from dating people who are separated but not divorced. You've chosen this path despite his current situation, so he's going to lean on you lots and his issues will become yours - kinda takes the romance out of things?
Your decision now is to expect more of the same and put up with it, or save yourself the grief as it's early days.
I've dated a couple of separated men, no way would I ever attempt it again given what I've learnt, they come with a shit tonne of emotional baggage. Better to wait until divorce is final and can talk dispassionately about their ex. Hate is as strong an emotion as love, someone who is still hating on their ex is far from over it unfortunately.

Yeah this is depressing