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Relationships

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Original poster

CoParenting young DC long distance

20 replies

singleandwingingit · 07/12/2022 20:11

Hi
NC as I'm a frequent poster on here and other posts are outing.

DH and I split in the Summer. We share twins who were 8 months when we split. We had been trying for years to have them and they were a miracle. DH was cheating and messing around online before deciding he wasn't happy and left the family home (lots more to it than that but that's the simplest way of putting it!)

He moved 1.5 hours away to be closer to his family (parents, siblings).

Twins are now just over 1 year old and still not old enough (I feel) to be away from home overnight. We have never Co slept as it's logistically difficult with twins so they would simply roll off the bed!

Besides all the hurt and upset I hold towards ex-DH I do want him to have a relationship with them. However he works long days, again over an hour away, meaning by the time he finishes work the twins are in bed. Leaving weekends.

Thus far since the Summer he's only seen them maximum 10 times for a few hours on a Saturday or Sunday. He complains about his fuel costs and states I should meet him half away or that he should deduct what he pays towards child maintenance to offset his fuel.

He's reckless with money and since leaving the family home has run up debts and got a new sports car.

The last payment he made (towards bills and CM) he left me £400 short. Given he doesn't do any actual parenting for the DCs I was angry and cancelled his planned visit to see them.

He's become very annoyed and is saying I am unreasonable.

Divorce is underway (all at my expense) and conditional order relating to finances will make the financial agreement legally binding, though I still expect he'll default as the money to me will be the first he'll cut when he's running short...

Does this/ will this get easier? Any words of advice. This is just awful.....

OP posts:

crackofdoom · 07/12/2022 20:14

That doesn't sound like co parenting to me. Sounds like his children come very low down on his list of priorities. Sadly, you can't force him to care.

What a cock.

Original poster

singleandwingingit · 07/12/2022 20:18

@crackofdoom I agree. Though he says he's heartbroken over not seeing the twins and blames me for the fact he doesn't have a relationship with them, despite him never asking to see them during the week and generally leaving me to do all the parenting.

OP posts:

SunflowerTed · 07/12/2022 23:14

Just a different viewpoint. You say you want him to have a relationship with them and then say they’re not old enough to stay over and then cancel planned visit to get
back at him. Would love
to hear his side

Undecidedandtorn · 07/12/2022 23:17

You shouldn't cancel a vist because your annoyed with him - that isn't in anyone's best interests.

Original poster

singleandwingingit · 08/12/2022 04:49

I understand cancelling the visit doesn't achieve anything- least of all for me who desperately needs the break!

However I have no income at present (still on mat leave) and so when he doesn't pay (not the first time he's done this) I'm reliant on my savings to ensure our mortgage is paid etc, which seems unfair given he walked out on us.

OP posts:

Wallywobbles · 08/12/2022 05:23

Can he come and stay at yours every other weekend and be the primary parent. You both need for him to put the hours in. Then once the twins know who the fuck he is he can take them to his families every other weekend. I'd aim for some kind of timeline. So that by the time they are 2 they are staying Sat am to Sun pm.

He moved so the cost of getting to you is his problem alone.

Go to CSM now. Don't wait for the divorce.

HowVeryBizarre · 08/12/2022 05:49

Your ex has basically put himself in a situation where it is impossible to properly co-parent your twins. The only way it would work would be for him to live much closer so contact could be built up gradually. Most mums who have the children mainly in their care (we don’t use the phrase primary parent in Australia) would not agree to overnights for children that age. The most intransigent dad I ever worked with who was pushing for overnights with three month old twins didn’t get overnights until they were over two and this is in a country where the presumption of shared care is the starting point for the courts.

Untimately yours ex needs to put in the hard work to build a relationship with his children, your responsibility is to make the children available for reasonable contact. Stopping a contact visit because you are pissed off at his behaviour, no matter how annoying, is not a good idea. I would be thinking of a contact schedule that you think is in your children’s best interests - at this stage regularity rather than number of hours is key. Google post separation arrangements for young children and you will be able to back up your stance with research about what is developmentally appropriate for children of different ages and stages. You have no obligation to bring them to him, if you were the one who had moved it would be different. I would send him the proposed schedule and it is then up to him to make an alternative proposal or stick to yours. The key for you is to look reasonable and document everything so he can’t accuse you of withholding. If you offer and he refuses that is on him. Good luck.

alasangne · 08/12/2022 05:55

NEVER use contact with the children as a weapon when it comes to maintenance payments. It's not on and will just lead to more aggro. They are two seperate issues. The only way they should be related is for adjustments to the amount when he comes to have them overnights and yes, he can apply for an adjustment based on his travelling costs.

I would talk to him and say for now while we sort out the divorce what is the contact you want. Every other weekend for a day? Then he will have to come and pick them up and take them out. Ideally you should be helping facilitate this if you can. Why he has moved miles away I don't know- seems utterly ridiculous. You could offer to drive say 30 minutes and meet him somewhere to do hand over?

alasangne · 08/12/2022 05:57

And yes as PP said document this in an email or something - you need to make it clear you haven't been witholding contact and are trying to work with him for the good of the children. This doesn't mean caving in and driving them to and from his though.

girlmom21 · 08/12/2022 05:59

3 hours travel for a few hours visiting would be really unfair on DC's. He needs to travel to you.

This is all his doing. He cheated. He left. He moved away.

alasangne · 08/12/2022 06:01

Maybe offer a Weekly Skype call

piedbeauty · 08/12/2022 07:13

That's not co-parenting. That's you doing all the parenting.

Go to CMS, then draw up a plan for access. Stick to it.

Since he moved away, he should drive to see the dc.

Good luck. Sounds very difficult.

Managinggenzoclock · 08/12/2022 07:26

What an awful man. I can’t imagine moving away from my children at that age. He should have moved 15 minutes down the road and seen them multiple times a week (or daily!) and built a strong relationship. Most babies at one could be left with a daddy who is used to caring foe them and knows them really well. But he is not that, you are not at all unreasonable to not let them stay overnight. It would be for his benefit not theirs.

Original poster

singleandwingingit · 08/12/2022 08:07

Thank you all.

Some really good thoughts and suggestions here which I will implement/look into.

I wouldn't feel comfortable him staying in this house overnight he's not physically abusive but doesn't respect my boundaries and I have worked really hard to be strong where he's concerned. I have suggested he might want to consider a hotel nearby but he claims money is a factor.

He has taken the twins back with him once but it was a big day of travelling for them and I didn't like it, (add in a disagreement over him not forward facing the car seats beforehand!) and when he returned the twins they were hysterical where they were uncomfortable in the car seats and he wouldn't pull over to comfort them.

I know restricting access isn't a wise move but I felt it's the only option I had. I have been parenting them for months on my own and ask for nothing from him besides just enough money to cover bills and food shopping.

Before we split he was stating he would look after the boys one day per week when I went back to work, but has since rescinded this offer so he really only ever intends to see them at the weekend.

OP posts:

alasangne · 08/12/2022 08:16

Every other weekend it is then. Ask him to let you know if he wants to come and pick them up on Saturday or Sunday to start with. Just a day max as it sounds like he can't handle overnight at the moment. Agree, he shouldn't be in your house.

If he wants to apply to CMS for a variation due to travel he can but don't tell him that obviously he can do the research if he cares. His travel expenses are not your concern.

girlmom21 · 08/12/2022 08:19

He needs to take them on trips out if he doesn't want to stay in a hotel overnight.

He can take them to soft play, for food and to the park.

FluffingtonMuffington · 08/12/2022 09:00

He moved away, he should be travelling to them. My ex, as much as a dick he is, moved to be as close as possible to our dc so he could build up a relationship with them (they were a very small baby when we split) courts would say short visits and often at first to
Build up to overnights eventually by around 18m-2 years old.

isthistheendtakeabreath · 08/12/2022 09:16

My twins are coming up for 2 - no overnights but he doesn't have suitable accommodation to have them and said himself he wouldn't want them overnight until they are older. He comes here every other weekend for an hour or two. I prefer him to take them to the park rather than sit round my house as I find it awkward watching him play at being worlds greatest father. But depends on the weather - if the weather crap it's not fair on the kids so I do the big shop so I'm out for an hour or two

Original poster

singleandwingingit · 08/12/2022 10:21

@isthistheendtakeabreath I think I remember seeing some of your posts on here previously. How do you feel leaving him in the house? Do you have an agreement re him not going into your room etc?

OP posts:

isthistheendtakeabreath · 08/12/2022 15:36

@singleandwingingit
To be honest I don't really have anything I wouldn't want him to see and a part of me actually hopes he does walk around and see that every last trace of him has been removed and other than a photo in eldests room youd never know he lived there for 10 years - I've started to redecorate and make changes in each room maybe in a subconscious two fingers up at him kind of way that we are doing just fine without him and don't need him and that physically his absence has had no impact at all - the house has never looked so good!

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