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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What have I done?

15 replies

Lisa501 · 07/12/2022 18:57

Ive been seeing someone for a couple of months and they’ve been my absolute rock , my best friend and we spoke every single day. Yesterday I decided to break things off as for the last 8 months I’ve been going through a messy breakup - still living together etc. Even though I’ve been single I’ve been reliving the situation everyday as my ex has been less than nice. My anxiety has been at an all time high and I currently can’t deal with more than one thing at once without getting overwhelmed. The house is up for sale but I can’t afford to move out without the house selling.
I felt that due to this I couldn’t give 100% of my best self to the guy I’ve been seeing. When I say he’s a good egg I mean he’s the best …. Perfect in every way. I’ve got so many self confidence issues from the previous relationship that I felt I needed to sort myself out first. Part of me also felt guilty because the relationship was being kept on the low to keep things amicable at home and the pressure was too much.
I thought I was doing the right thing so I could get my head straight but I miss him so much already and I have no idea how I’m going to do this without him. Is this because I need to adjust and give it a couple of weeks? I’m terrified I’m going to lose him completely and deep down I think I might love him. I’ve told him I miss him and he’s backed off which I understand. I really need some advice as I have no idea what to do for the best.

OP posts:

Sadbeigechildren · 07/12/2022 19:03

It's hard to know without knowing you both. I don't think you've necessarily done the wrong thing but it doesn't seem likely that this will feel loads better quickly. On paper you haven't treated him brilliantly but if you're not in a position to do better there's no point calling him back to you. If you think you have a future together, on the other hand, you're not playing your cards very well as he may not wait or like getting asked to wait.

But he probably shouldn't have been your rock in this context and at such an early stage. You were right about that.

category12 · 07/12/2022 19:09

It's a LOT that you're saying this person was your rock/best friend etc after only 2 months! And you're still in the process of coming out of a messy relationship.

It's probably for the best that you have called it off.

You should probably have some time on your own to figure things out, maybe speak to a counselling service and sort your head out.

Do not mess this guy about by ending it, then trying to get back together or trying to keep him hanging on, it's not fair on him and it's not good for you either.

yellowsmileyface · 07/12/2022 20:11

It sounds like you did the right thing.

Your relationship with this guy sounds rather intense for only a couple of months. It sounds like you're in a vulnerable place, and I don't think it's a healthy foundation for a relationship for someone you've only known a couple of months to be your rock, that kind of foundation leads to codependency. It sounds like you were really leaning on him, which is a lot of pressure for early on.

With that in mind, it's understandable you'd be struggling now with your decision and questioning whether you made the right choice. To be blunt, I don't think you're struggling because you love him, I think you miss the support. I definitely think you'd benefit from focusing on yourself right now.

GreyCarpet · 08/12/2022 01:54

This.

It's a red flag thar you see him in the way you do.

It's a red flag that he was happy to be all those things to you.

You are very vulnerable. It screams from every word of your post. A truly good man would have recognised this and not got so involved too soon, tbh. A decent man would have been put off by it all because he would have recognised you weren't in the place for a relationship.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/12/2022 02:01

GreyCarpet · 08/12/2022 01:54

This.

It's a red flag thar you see him in the way you do.

It's a red flag that he was happy to be all those things to you.

Aaaaaaalllllllll of this.

x100

Sort your shit out before you think about another relationship.

AgentJohnson · 08/12/2022 04:25

@category12 talks a lot of sense. Op you need to be single for a while, emotionally and physically. I suspect the “he’s my rock” sunglasses you were wearing for the last eight weeks was pure escapism from your stressful home life.

Spend time working out who you are without a man muddying the waters.

dancingqueen123 · 08/12/2022 05:45

Ive been seeing someone for a couple of months and they’ve been my absolute rock , my best friend and we spoke every single day
You sound very intense op. Give yourself some time. Maybe get some counselling?

pinkfondu · 08/12/2022 05:57

I bet he feels very used

Original poster

Lisa501 · 08/12/2022 08:47

@pinkfondu I feel that comment isn't very helpful - that isn't the case at all. My feelings haven't changed towards him and I most definitely haven't used him. Unfortunately I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship that has left me with some issues. I did what I did because it wasn't fair on him to deal with my snowballing anxiety and panic attacks. I miss him and I care about him a lot but I'm trying to do what's best for my mental health at the same time

OP posts:

GAH3 · 08/12/2022 08:53

Sounds like you've done exactly the right thing.

category12 · 08/12/2022 09:01

Lisa501 · 08/12/2022 08:47

Coming out of an emotionally abusive relationship is exactly why you've done the right thing here.

You need time to reset your boundaries, recover from the abuse, get yourself right - going into a new very intense relationship so soon was likely to end up very badly. (A lot of people end up in further abusive relationships, even if it doesn't seem like it initially).

Are you getting any support with what happened in the abusive relationship? You could look at the Freedom Programme or seeing what groups/counselling are available through domestic abuse services/charities in your area.

Original poster

Lisa501 · 08/12/2022 09:36

@category12 Thank you, I was a seeing a psychotherapist but unfortunately she wasn't a match for me. I found that rather than looking at ways to help/move forward she focused a lot on going over the same ground - this in turn made my anxiety worse. I'm in the process of trying to find another one but it's unknown territory for me.

OP posts:

BloodAndFire · 08/12/2022 09:41

You have no idea that someone is 'perfect in every way' after a few weeks. It's not fair to put him in this position.

category12 · 08/12/2022 09:51

EMDR is supposed to be good for PTSD if that's appropriate for you.

Maybe someone specialised in trauma would be a better fit?

But doing work on your boundaries specifically and around the domestic abuse you suffered is important too, to help you avoid a pattern in relationships. So it might be worth doing that alongside therapy/counselling.

knittingaddict · 08/12/2022 10:00

Have you only known him for 2 months or is he an old friend?

If you've only known him for 2 months then the words you use are far too intense for the length of the relationship and red flags are flying everywhere. The split with your ex is too recent and you are still living together. Get the previous relationship done and dusted, spend some time alone, get therapy and then look at finding a man to date.

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